Somewhere along the line I got so disappointed, I got to the point where I didn't care anymore. I don't know when or how it happened, but I know I just stopped feeling concerned or even paying attention to any of it. I just stopped caring.
Her: You have changed.
Him: How so?
Her: You seem distant.
Her: What happened?
Him: You did.
Maybe it didn't happen all of a sudden, maybe it was the many little things that made me feel like you didn't care enough, like you wouldn't see me, didn't want to make an effort. Throughout the time we were together, it seemed that as time went by, instead of growing closer, we grew further apart, and I fought so hard, at first. I was still enthusiastic, I was still hopeful, I was still living in the illusion that I mattered enough to you. That I mattered enough for you to stay. That you would see past my masks, and be the one to help me put back together the broken pieces of my soul.
Him: where have you been?
Her: I am sorry, I've been busy.
Him: What are you doing>
Her: can we talk later? I am in the middle of something.
Him: I feel like we don't have time for each other anymore.
Her: Don't say that, I promise I will make it up to you.
Him: I've heard that line before.
Her: Don't be like that.
Him: I am not being like anything. Anyways, I thought you had to go.
Her: I do. can we talk later.
Him: if you find the time.
But, slowly, the fog started to lift, and I started seeing things that took me by surprise. You were no longer so eager to talk to me. You no longer felt the need to be close to me. You were giving up, and I didn't realize you were letting me go.
Him: Hey, I've been calling.
Her: Sorry, I've been busy.
Him: so busy you could not return my calls? Want to go out tonight?
Her: I can't, I'm sorry.
Him: When can I see you.
Her: I will call you.
Him: How long will I have to wait this time?
Her: I have to go. We will talk later.
I thought it was something I did. For days I beat myself up, thinking of how to make it better. I was so doubtful of everything I said, everything I did. Did I give too much? Did I not give enough? Did I say the wrong thing, again? Am I not behaving the way I should? And a million other questions, self doubting questions kept on coming to my head. Until I stopped. I realized that there was no reason to be torturing myself like this, that I should not be having to try so hard to gain your attention.
Her: I've been calling. Is everything ok?
Him: I know. I've been busy.
Her: that is supposed to be my line. Busy with what?
Him: Busy taking care of myself.
Her: I can help you.
Him: No, you can't.
Her: What do you...?
Him: I have to go.
I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so bad. But things don't always work the way we want them to, the way we plan them. I know that. Still today I dream about you coming to me, telling me how sorry you are you never gave me the attention I deserved, you never valued me for who I am. Still today I hope you will realize I would give anything to have you by my side. Still today I sometimes pick up my phone and put in your number, but just the same I take it off, because, what would be the point in calling you? It will only lead me to more suffering, and I believe I have had enough to last me a lifetime.
Though...sigh! If only you would come, one last time, for one more day. If I could just maybe... What would we be then?
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
They were both broken by the past, looking to rebuild the present, to be able to walk on the path of a possible future together. But they kept a lot to themselves. With them, it wasn't so much about what they said, but about what they didn't. Their silences usually speaking louder than their words or even their actions.
They were sitting in the living room, quietly, just looking at each other. She felt there was something that he wanted to say but couldn't, he knew there was a lot that was going on with her, but she would pretend everything was ok. They were both burning, yet, refused to burn together.
Her: Why are you so quiet?
Him: What do you mean?
Her: You are quiet. More than usual.
Him: not really. I am just...distracted I guess.
Her: What's distracting you?
Him: oh, just things, you know.
Her: Well that is specific.
Him: lose the sarcasm.
Her: lose the vagueness.
Him: I thought you were the vague one.
Her: So did I. So?
Him: So what?
Her: You're really not going to tell me?
Him: There is nothing to tell.
Her: except that I get a feeling that there is.
Him: Not really.
Her: Would you like for me to leave?
Him: is that what you want?
Her: Stop doing that please.
Her: turning things around all the time.
Him: it was just a question.
Her: yes, same here.
Him: No, I don't want you to leave.
Her: Good. Because I don't want to leave.
Him: Good.I could say the same thing though.
Her: about what?
Him: about you, holding something back. Is there something you want to tell me?
Her: Not really.
Him: You're sure.
Her: I am going to take a bath.
Him: want me to join you?
Her: I would love that.
Him: Go ahead and set up. I will be right over
She stood up and went past him, caressing his cheek as she did so. He smiled, but made no attempt to stand. They both knew they were holding back, but neither could take that step forward. After she left the room he looked at the stairs she had went up through.
Him: (whispered) I am falling for you. Hard and fast, and I can't do anything about it. Not sure I want to either. There are so many things I would like to say to you, but can never seem to find the words. You keep yourself so hidden, away. Your walls are high, and I want to climb all of them, tear them down. I just wish you would give me a peephole through which I could get a glimpse of your true self.
He sighed aloud and stood up to join her in the bathroom.
She was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, absent-minded, looking into the water. She was thinking about him, she knew he wasn't telling, but then again, neither was she.
Her: (whispered) You weren't wrong when you said you were dangerous for me. Already I know the amount of damage you can do, and still I am here. I am trying so hard to slow this down, but it's hitting me like a tidal wave. I am scared, because I am hopeful. I don't want to make the same mistakes. You are different than what I know, and because of that, you scare me more. And I wonder, would you still want me if you knew me, all of me?
She heard him enter the room and stood up.
Her: The bath is ready.
Him: Come here.
She walked over to him and he embraced her. They stayed holding each other for a long time, breathing in their scent, hearing their slow breathing.
Him: Come on, before the water gets cold.
Monday, March 17, 2014
I chose you. Not because of what you can give me, but because of what we can build together.
I chose you, not because of what you can buy for me, but because of how valuable are to me.
I chose you, not because I can't live without you, but because I don't want to.
I chose you, not because you look good, but because you are a beautiful being.
I chose you, not because you love me, but because there is no one else I love like I love you.
I chose you, not because you are my knight in shinning armor, but because you are so perfectly flawed.
I chose you, not because you can make my life a real fairy tale, but because we can make our life together a real adventure.
I chose you, not because you will always be smiling, but because in your face I can see a million emotions come together.
I chose you, not because of everything you can do, but because of everything you strive for.
I chose you not because of what you are, but because of who you chose to be, and who you chose to become.
I chose you, not because of your religion, but because of your beliefs.
I chose you, not because f your social status, but because of you social awareness.
I chose you, not because of your politics, but because of your hunger and search of the truth.
I chose you not because you fight off my demons, but because you can apace them with your smile.
I chose you because of your convictions.
I chose you because you believe in me, the way I believe in you.
I chose you because there is magic in your eyes, there is strength in your voice, tenderness in your embrace, love in your heart, light in your soul.
In sum, I chose you because you're the one I want to go to sleep with every night, and wake up next to every morning. Because you are the one I want to have silly arguments with and delicious make up sessions after. You are the one I want to grow old next to, you are the one I want to open up to.
You are the one I chose.
No on else.
Posted by Black Widow at 10:37 AM
Friday, March 7, 2014
You will never now how many nights I have cried myself to sleep, whispering your name, hoping you could hear me, praying you would come.
You will never know what I have gone through in the process of trying to rebuild myself, piece my broken spirit back together.
You will never know how many times I have smiled holding the tears back. How many times I have said some sarcastic, witty phrase, just to hide the pain.
You will never know how much I have endured in this short existence, nor how many times I have hidden away pretending to be ill, just so you won't see my sadness.
You will never know how deep my cuts go, how much my wounds bleed, because you can't see inside of me.
In short, you will never see the truth of all my sufferings, all my scars and what it has taken to somewhat heal them, because truth be told...I won't let you, as much as it hurts to keep it all inside, I won't let you.