Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Monday, December 29, 2014
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Friday, June 6, 2014
I never considered or believed I would fall in love with someone again the way I am falling for you. Never have I known the feeling of falling without the insecurities that come with the ecstasy. Each moment of each day that I learn something new about you I become more addicted. It's an addiction to know you on deeper levels than anyone has ever known you. This will take time, and with the unusual calm that I feel, I know time is not our enemy, yet what will allow us to flourish.
In such a small time you have inspired me in so many ways, my only desire is to be the same inspiration to you. I can't ever remember a time I have been so naked and transparent with someone and not feel vulnerable, with you I am me, myself and I.
In our conversations I have found in you someone who I can blurt out my crazy thoughts, and amazingly, you don't judge, you just add fuel to the fire and light up my imagination. Love it.
At first I thought, "How could I have known a person for 10 years and yet not know them?" Again, trust in life and there is no need to question, just be thankful for being blessed for surviving the really low and bad times to appreciate this once in a life time opportunity with you. I am in awe with your passion, intelligence, beauty, kindness, strength, dedication, and above all your love, patient and devotion to that very little special person.
Thank you for allowing me the glimpses of what hides behind your walls, trusting me with feelings that you know could cause pain if mistreated. Never have I believed in people who say you can trust me, so that I will never say, all I ask is for you to continue lowering your walls and to keep growing in confidence that you are safe in my hands.
So my love, here is my first love letter to you.
With all my love, your Charming.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Monday, May 26, 2014
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Have I gone crazy? Am I even making any sense?
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Is not you I am giving up on, is the illusion of you I created, the image of someone I could be with. It's not you I am letting go of, is the thought of you and I becoming something. Is not you I am leaving behind, is the desire of having you by my side. It's not you I am waking away from, is my incessant need to give you what I thought you deserved, my all. In the end, it's not you, it's me understanding that I want, need and deserve more, something real, someone I can count on. It's really not you, it's me believing in, trusting myself.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Monday, April 14, 2014
All I want is for us to be still. To look into your eyes and see myself in them, to get lost in your smile. All I want is not to have to imagine all this.
But right now, is all I can do. To think of you, to imagine you here , next to me, to close my eyes and see your face, smiling at me, loving me. There is nothing more I can do, but miss you endlessly.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Monday, April 7, 2014
But what about me? Where you ask 'what if', I ask 'what then'.
Words can be so appealing, they can express so much, but they can also be used to conceal, and I have known many to use them for that matter and that matter alone. So when daylight came, and the sun shone through my window and onto our bared bodies, 'what then'. What would you say to me? What would you do? What would you want from me? Having satisfied you hunger, your curiosity, your lust for my body, would that be it then? Would a moment be enough, would it do?
When morning, inevitably came, after the moment went away, with so much time expecting it, what then? After you got what you longed for, after you ravished my body, then, would that be the end?
Sometimes I wish it could all be taken away, that it didn't exist as an obstacle between us, because after the moment, I would always wonder, what then? 'would you make an effort this time? or would you just turn away? Like a sailor who has been adrift at sea for so many days, and finally coming to shore to replenish his strength and health, turning away as soon as it is possible in search for another sea to sail? The next great adventure. Would you be the same?
So you see, the problem is not the moment. The problem is that just as you wonder 'what if' I wonder 'what then'. And because of that, things will remain just as they are.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Sometimes I wish, some moments in life could be scripted.
I would write something like:
"The pain was so unbearable to her that she felt the need to run as far away as possible, as fast as she could. And that is exactly what she did. She needed to distance herself from the world she knew in order to see everything from a different perspective, in order to find herself again. She went home and packed a bag with only the essentials. She didn't really have a plan, she just knew that she had to get out. She called a cab and made it to the airport. Standing in front of the airline she asked for the next flight out of Santo Domingo. The customer service rep looked at her as if she was all kinds of crazy, and not really processing what she had been requested, asked for the information once more.
-Yes, you heard right, I just need the next flight out of Santo Domingo.
-Where is the next flight going?
-Yes, I will take that one.
The CS rep frowned, but reminded herself that she was not there to ask any questions, only to book the flights, to make the sales, so she booked the flight and handed over the ticket.
-The flight leaves in an hour, they are boarding now.
She thanked her and made her way to the instructed gate. She had no bags to register, really all she had packed was a handbag. She presented her documents at the gate, followed the process and went to the plane to take her seat. It had been a window seat. She closed her eyes, trying to calm her mind, to shut it down, even if for a minute. It didn't take long for the plane to take off, and as it did, she hoped that this trip would help."
I would write something like that. And then I would see myself being taken away in a plane to that exotic place to the south where I would magically find a solution to my problems and the path of self discovery would be revealed in some kind of divine way by a complete stranger, who's only purpose in this story is to be my support.
How wonderful it would be to be able to do such a thing. I would always have the means, I would always have the time, and like in a movie or a book, I could always expect the climax to arrive at a certain time, and I would always know that in the end, everything would work out.
But as it stands, I am not some character in a book, life is not a movie, and it sure a hell is not scripted. So any crisis has to be dealt in the best way possible, my many responsibilities bind me to this place and I know I will never have the luxury to run away to some far off place.
But if only...
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Her: You have changed.
Him: How so?
Her: You seem distant.
Her: What happened?
Him: You did.
Maybe it didn't happen all of a sudden, maybe it was the many little things that made me feel like you didn't care enough, like you wouldn't see me, didn't want to make an effort. Throughout the time we were together, it seemed that as time went by, instead of growing closer, we grew further apart, and I fought so hard, at first. I was still enthusiastic, I was still hopeful, I was still living in the illusion that I mattered enough to you. That I mattered enough for you to stay. That you would see past my masks, and be the one to help me put back together the broken pieces of my soul.
Him: where have you been?
Her: I am sorry, I've been busy.
Him: What are you doing>
Her: can we talk later? I am in the middle of something.
Him: I feel like we don't have time for each other anymore.
Her: Don't say that, I promise I will make it up to you.
Him: I've heard that line before.
Her: Don't be like that.
Him: I am not being like anything. Anyways, I thought you had to go.
Her: I do. can we talk later.
Him: if you find the time.
But, slowly, the fog started to lift, and I started seeing things that took me by surprise. You were no longer so eager to talk to me. You no longer felt the need to be close to me. You were giving up, and I didn't realize you were letting me go.
Him: Hey, I've been calling.
Her: Sorry, I've been busy.
Him: so busy you could not return my calls? Want to go out tonight?
Her: I can't, I'm sorry.
Him: When can I see you.
Her: I will call you.
Him: How long will I have to wait this time?
Her: I have to go. We will talk later.
I thought it was something I did. For days I beat myself up, thinking of how to make it better. I was so doubtful of everything I said, everything I did. Did I give too much? Did I not give enough? Did I say the wrong thing, again? Am I not behaving the way I should? And a million other questions, self doubting questions kept on coming to my head. Until I stopped. I realized that there was no reason to be torturing myself like this, that I should not be having to try so hard to gain your attention.
Her: I've been calling. Is everything ok?
Him: I know. I've been busy.
Her: that is supposed to be my line. Busy with what?
Him: Busy taking care of myself.
Her: I can help you.
Him: No, you can't.
Her: What do you...?
Him: I have to go.
I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so bad. But things don't always work the way we want them to, the way we plan them. I know that. Still today I dream about you coming to me, telling me how sorry you are you never gave me the attention I deserved, you never valued me for who I am. Still today I hope you will realize I would give anything to have you by my side. Still today I sometimes pick up my phone and put in your number, but just the same I take it off, because, what would be the point in calling you? It will only lead me to more suffering, and I believe I have had enough to last me a lifetime.
Though...sigh! If only you would come, one last time, for one more day. If I could just maybe... What would we be then?
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Monday, March 17, 2014
Friday, March 7, 2014
You will never now how many nights I have cried myself to sleep, whispering your name, hoping you could hear me, praying you would come.
You will never know what I have gone through in the process of trying to rebuild myself, piece my broken spirit back together.
You will never know how many times I have smiled holding the tears back. How many times I have said some sarcastic, witty phrase, just to hide the pain.
You will never know how much I have endured in this short existence, nor how many times I have hidden away pretending to be ill, just so you won't see my sadness.
You will never know how deep my cuts go, how much my wounds bleed, because you can't see inside of me.
In short, you will never see the truth of all my sufferings, all my scars and what it has taken to somewhat heal them, because truth be told...I won't let you, as much as it hurts to keep it all inside, I won't let you.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
Her: So, tell me.
Him: What do you want to know?
Her: How you saw me.
Him: You know better than anyone, why do you want me to tell you?
Her: Because sometimes, I just need to hear you say it.
Him: Well, it wasn't until that night that I really realized how beautiful you were. Not because you weren't noticeable, but because I was walking around with these blinds on. I remember coming up to you and talking to you, Immediately I was captivated by your smile, and then by your walk. I offered to take you to your car, and it was honestly out of concern, a lady should never walk alone in the dark.
That night...that night was the catalyst of what I thought of you. As they say, first impressions count, and you definitely made yours. Everyday you walked in with an immense sense of joy and confidence, wearing that big, beautiful white smile, always walking tall, no matter what you wore, you exemplified the word sexy.
Your strides, flirty and inviting, causing any person, man or woman, to take a close inspection of your figure, to watch every corner of your body work it's mechanics, it truly was a miracle. It's complexity creates such beauty and with a wave of a hand your attention is gained, with a simple gesture of welcome. On to reveal the wonder above your shoulders. Your hair, so complementary, your eyes, peering into ones deepest desires. But with the most gentle and sweet look ever. Such a marvelous contradiction. The structure of your face, like if it was made by a team of the most skilled architects and artists in the world.
And then, that neck, that long, smooth, dark, beautiful neck, just crying to be worshiped, asking to be bitten. It's start and finish are the perfect example of anatomy. Starting from the most slender feminine shoulders and ending at that sensual divide where your hair starts. And if one is lucky enough to explore such an area, one would find a whole other world to explore with one's lips.
When you walk by, you stop time and you bring happiness. I saw you as a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent woman, who knows what she wants. Who is open minded and understanding, mature and adventurous. I saw you as such, and I still see you in the same light.
Her: A thank you is not enough. How you describe me, the words you use, how you construct each sentence... I will never be able to...You make me smile from within. You are an amazing man, and I am glad you took those blinds off. Not because you saw me, but because you let me see you, truly see you, you let me in.
Him: I can never thank you enough for that. You came to my rescue at a very dark time for me.
Her: You weren't the only one that needed saving. With you I learned that it is possible, that I can still go on, that I can still love, with no strings, just give, no expectations. With you I experienced the wonder of being happy because I brought happiness and light to someone else. You are a truly wonderful man.
Him: I love you.
Her: I love you.
It's wonderful. And it is also driving me insane. I can't seem to shake his image out of my head, to stop myself from mentally repeating his name over and over again. I can't stop feeling him all over my body, His hands, his lips. His scent lingering on my skin. It is maddening! Pure torture and complete pleasure. How is this possible? It's like living in a senseless reality, or a logical wonderland.
All I can say is: Have I gone mad?
Sunday, February 16, 2014
It is a good thing that we can only see the exterior, the physical parts of each other. It is a good thing that I can wake up every morning and comb my hair, put on makeup, wear a nice dress, and put on my best smile. I can go out to the world and no one will know. They won't be able to tell that I am broken, damaged, tainted. They won't be able to see that I bleed inside, that I scream in pain. They won't be able to know that I am consumed by my loneliness. It is indeed a good thing, bacause if they knew, how could they still want me? How could they love me still?
Saturday, February 15, 2014
The wild side of me often wonders about certain cravings, certain...practices. why is the thought of being bound while being had so appealing? The thought of being blissfully tormented so inviting?
Why is the idea of being blindfolded so attractive? Why is it that we may find pleasure in certain type of pain? Is it about control? Playing with fire without getting burned? Or is it about pure desire, lust, letting go? do we really enjoy, want, to be tamed, controlled, subjugated?
Do we want our demons silenced by a stronger demon? Or is it that we want to release them to a worthy master?
Either way, the thought of being, just for a brief moment, subdued, is somewhat seductive... and it shouldn't be.
But if you knew you could be that one person to be in control...would you do it? Would you make then kneel, would you make them yours?
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
"As sons and daughters, we should always remember that we owe everything to our parents, but mostly our mothers, without them, we would not be here..."
For the last months of her life, she would always sit on the porch, and you would always hear her say "they are coming today, I know it." But they never came.
She sat and waited. She waited for the children that never came. The same ones who always promised her, who always said they would, soon, visit. The same ones who, in the end, never had the time, never could make it, and always called with an excuse. They never came.
They didn't know she was living her last days. They a;so didn't know that she would always wait, for she finished every call with "it's ok, I understand, tomorrow maybe, or another day." But still, they never came.
Her mind, slowly, slipped into a state of stillness, a state of numbness that made her do the same things over and over. She would wake up, call all three of them to say good morning, though they rarely picked up. You see, they were tired, sleeping, or just didn't have the time to take that one call. She would then leave a message and all she would say is "maybe today? I will be here. I will wait" And still, they never came.
Every afternoon, right at 3 pm, she would put on a dress, a freshly washed and ironed dress, and comb her hair, and put on some makeup, and sit on the porch, to wait for her children. Her little ones. She would wave to the neighbors, and when they asked, she would say "today is the day." But still, they never came.
That last day, the call came earlier, but they didn't pick up. They never did, at least not at that time. That last day, the message said "I know it's earlier than usual, but today may be the day. Please come, I will wait." She did everything else. She bathed, she got ready, she wore her favorite dress, and she sat on the porch to wait. That day, she closed her eyes, with a smile on her face, because in her mind, that day they came. It was the last time she sat there, it was the last day she waited. But her children, in reality, never came.
They got a call at 8 pm, from a number they did not know. That call they picked up. The phones hung from their ears. They didn't really listen past "she's gone." Today they all sit in her house. Today they all shed the tears. Today they all talk to her. Today is the day they came. But today is the day she is not here to wait.
Don't let that day come to you. Go to her, don't make her wait.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
I hope you all love it as much as I did.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
To see myself reflected in your eyes. To feel the warmth of your body while you hold me in your arms.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
I have a long golden dress on, made of silk chiffon. It flows and dances on my skin, it has a beautiful front cleavage that reveals just enough, and a back one that goes all the way to my mid back. I feel as if his hands are already on me.
As I walk in, he does not move, but I see a half, wicked smile drawn on his lips.
I react the same, but adding a wicked look, which says just enough. He knows what I want. I know he can give it to me.
I am wearing my hair up, but as I see the intent reflected clearly on his face, I do the one thing I know drives him insane, no matter what, no matter where. I reach up and remove the two pins holding my hair in place. I do this slowly and allow all of it to flow down freely, wildly to my mid back.
I see the spark in his eyes, while he wets his lips with his tongue, and I am satisfied, for the moment at least.
I start walking to him, not taking my eyes off of him. He holds my gaze, until I stad fully in front of him, about a foot away. He scans me up and down, with only his eyes. He has not moved yet, but the tension in his body is visible, palpable, and I am loving it, knowing I am the cause of it.
I bend down and I make to give him a kiss, only I dont. I straddle him, right there and then. I get on top of him, all he does is smile and in a quick, seemingly rehearsed but expert move, he reaches to my neck, pulls me to him and gives me the most hungry, ravashing, desastrous kiss of all, grabbing me by the hair with his other hand so I don't have a chance to even try and escape from him. But it is not necessary. I am not going anywhere. This, right here, right now, is the only place I want to be.
Hope you enjoy.
Life and all it'ss games have brought me to this conclusion: Where I stand at this right spot, is the place designed for me to occupy. A temporary place that I can change at any time and find myself searching a different happiness.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
I remember. We were passionate, such passionate lovers, we swore never to let go. But we were so in love, or was it in lust? We were ignorant to the truth, the undeniable truth, that we can never truly belong to anyone else, but ourselves.
We used to make love until our bodies gave out, until our minds became numb. We made a thousand promises under the inhibiting effects of lust. Oh! the things we said to each other, the things we made each other feel.
But time is no one's friend, and neither is lust. One ticks away slowly, witness to the gradual decay of our seemingly insatiable thirst. And the other, well, it burns, fast, as a fire through a wide forest, trees screaming in pain under the heat coursing along its veins.
Soon, all the promises were broken, all the passion was spent, no longer did we make each other tremble, burn, no longer did we dance under the full moon's gaze.
There were no more words, there were no more sensations. We were gone. An emptiness that seemed to fill the earth was left in our wake. We were no more.
I remember how, once, it seems a long time ago now, we were the best of lovers, I remember how we longed for each other. I remember all those moments we spent together. I remember you... I remember us.
Friday, January 17, 2014
More often than not they say backwards in time, 10, 15, 20 years before, so they could do it all over again, or do the things they never did. And then they would ask me. For a long time I never knew what to say, I really never knew what I would chose or why. And then, it came to me.
I've had the privilege and the blessing to understand so much in such a short time in my life, to learn to accept all those things that I cannot change, but never stop trying to change those I have the capability to. I have had the opportunity to see and hear so much, to love so fully, to express myself so freely that it seems impossible that I would ever want to go back to a time when I was so ignorant and blind.
I am finally at peace with fact that I am right where I am supposed to be, and I am just the person I am meant to be.
I am finally at peace with myself. And that is all that matters.
It is absurd, I know. You are not here, and still, I know it's you. It invades me, it causes a reaction in my senses, the same reaction it would cause when I would smell your naked skin.
It always come unexpectedly, and it only lasts for a few seconds. Seconds in which I remember all the great times we had.
Something so simple and yet so powerful. A scent, that is all that it takes, your scent, and I am back in your arms.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
I've thought about it so many times. To just pick up the phone and call you, ask you to come to me and stay. But I know I can't...I won't.
Seeing you again has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Hearing you once more made me hope for better things. Knowing you are there for me, fills me with a happiness I thought gone. All great things.
However, it also destroys me. It makes my soul cry out in pain and I slowly become bitter. You are there for me, but you are not mine. I have tried to be as detached as possible. I have kept you at arms lenght for that reason. Because no matter how much time passes, you still hurt.
Our paths no longer run alongside. The roads we walk upon have taken many turns, away from each other, and you and I know that trying to re-build them, to cross paths, is not safe.
I would love nothing more than to have one more night. One last night to feel how you make mad-sweet love to me, to lose myself in your touch, in your kisses. To give free reign to my desire, to let my passions unfold. I would love nothing more than one last breath, one last heartbeat, one last word from you.
But we made our choices long ago. You went your way, I went mine. We must now be true to those choices.
I guess that's what happens when falling in love with someone like you. After all, an angel is not meant to love a demon, for either, one burns in hell with the weight of their sins, or the other burns in heaven with the weight of their guilt. Either way, we burn, for eternity.
And eternally I shall burn with the memory of you.