Love Quotes


It was only a moment, but in that moment I loved you more than I will ever love anyone in a lifetime.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Stop, think, look, be


It's just an instant, just a second, and everything changes. We constantly reinvent ourselves, make choices that dictate the future path to take, and in that moment, we change. We never lie still, we never stay in one place, even in our minds we are creating, shifting, molding the reality around us to fit the imagined life we want.

This is what it is all about. So take a moment today to analyze what you are creating, what you are changing into, and whatever that is, make it the best you can whatever possible. Be whatever you want to be, and be the best at it. But remember also to always be kind to those who are different, because with their invented reality, they will help you build yours.



Monday, December 29, 2014

Lonely lovers night


I hate this war, it has taken from us all that we hold dear.

It has taken it from me. 

I used to enjoy warm nights next to him, warmer than what they were supposed to be, though if you ask me, they were just the right temperature.
 
I miss him so much. Everyday that passes, my heart aches, and my body fills up with a longing that I had never known before.

We would spend our days driving around town; from one adventure to the next.  We would explore every corner of this island, discovering amazing places, truly being together. And when night fell, we would explore our bodies like hungry teenagers experiencing love for the first time. Everything with him was so intense.

And then the war came, and with it took all of our men, took him away from me. Suddenly, too sunden, there were no more adventures, no more drives and no more nights.

I burn while longing for him. My body grows hot, and several places get moist Just thinking of him makes me react. The memory of his hands on my body. His fingers running the length of my arm, the side of my breast, my waist, my thigh. His lips on me, hard and demanding while a moan escaped my throat. 

When he took me, he did so completely, he ravished me and consumed me whole. I, in turn, reacted the same. It was wild, it was passionate, it was like a thousand burning suns; and it was all mine.

But the war came. Dammed war! I have to lie awake at night, wondering if he is ok, if he will ever return to me, and if, when he does, he will be the same.

This is not my war, yet I suffer the same.I am lonely, craving for a lover that no longer belongs to me. He is but the filthy whore of those who command him. He no longer gives himself to me, but to the thousand others who entrust his life to him. He no longer makes me his, now this war holds him captive, keeps him away; this wretched war has become his mistress, and me...I am left to be consumed by an eternal desire that does not seem to find any satisfaction in the comfort of my own hands.

I miss him so much it hurts, it asphyxiates me.

Those dog tags, The sound they made when he moved against me, when he pounded me and took me to the heavens. The shine in them when the moon hit and it's light reflected, it was mesmerizing. And along with them, his voice, the way he spoke, that deep, full sounding voice, that would call out my name in the middle of the night, at the peak of ecstasy and claim my soul all to himself.

How can I not miss him? How can my body be at ease? When I knew real passion in his arms, I knew real love in his company. And now I know real solitude without him.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

My wish for you.



It has been a long while since I last posted. I have been away, not really able to put into words many of the million things I have felt over the past few months.

Life sends us, on occasion, on a whirlwind of emotions, on a success of events, fortunate or otherwise. This has been my case. I have travelled many different paths through the years, this time, I find myself walking down one of the most beautiful roads I've walked, and just simply enjoying my surroundings. 

My reality has shifted, turning into a bizarre world full of adventures, stories, sleepless nights, irrational yet funny arguments, invented words, endless questions, delicate decisions, heightened senses, extra responsibilities, and just wonderful moments that will no doubt turn into the most amazing memories. 

My time is no longer mine, my body no longer belongs to me, my ideas and beliefs are challenged everyday, I am forced to adapt in the blink of an eye, all the while maintaining my sanity, or at least trying to. It is not a smooth road, not is it an easy ride, yet I would not change it for the world. 

As I sit here, today, thinking of the many things that have passed, and all of those that are to come, I smile content with the choices I have made, because they have led me here, with this amazing life that still holds so many secrets to discover. I am, I can say, truly happy. I walk an unknown road, yet I do not walk alone. Those whom I hold dear to me walk next to me, laughing, crying, loving, living.

For this Christmas, and the many others that you may see, I wish you may find the same, and have the joy and blessing to walk with the ones that mean the most to you.

Yours truly.

The Widow. 


Sunday, October 12, 2014

When was the last time you were kissed? Truly Kissed? When was the last time your soul was touched by the lips of your lover? The last time you felt breathless after the softest touch? When was the last time you and him were one?


Sunday, September 7, 2014

One last letter

I was once happy; I remeber it. It was a good year, one where I was inmensely happy, that year that I was with you...

The sun was rising on the east, light starting to come in to the room, slightly illuminating the corner of the bed, a few rays spilling onto the floor; silence reighned. She watched as light grew brighter, and life outside her window began to be heard. She had not slept the whole night, wanting to see how darkness turned to light, how the night became day, how in a few hours, everything changed. She needed to see it, to feel it. She knew time was running out and she wanted to spend her last few moments seeing the world in a way she had seen it so many times before, yet never really taken the time to appreciate every detail of it.

Today though, she saw it. She saw how the sky outside changed from dark blue, full of starts, to a deeper, darker shade, until it bacame black. Still illuminated by the millions of stars, contellations above, shinning and blinking as if a christmas tree. She marvelled as it turned to a dark purple, then as the shades became lighter, blue, orange, red, yellow; lines as the sun came out, and finally a bright blue with a blinding light that could not be looked at direclty; and no more sparkling lights, no more stars. 

It was a perfect, sunny day. How Ironic, considering inside her, everything was turning dark. But it didn't matter, she had made it, she had seen it one last time. She had done it all, and now all that was left was for her to lie down, and finally give into her final rest. 

She got up from her chair by the window, waving one final hello to the gardner and moved to her desk by the door. She had lined up three letter, each with a name written in perfect handwrting, in red ink. One was addressed to her lawyer, with details of her final arrangements and isntructions for the other two letters; one addressed to her daughter, telling her how much she loved her and how much meaning and purpose she had given her. And the last one, addressed ony "to him". There was no name on the cover, just "to him". She carresed each of them, picked up the last one, kissed it before putting it back in place, and went to the mirror. She was satisfied with the reflection. 

The illness hadn't done that much damage to her physically, so she looked ok. No one could tell and yet, here she was, one final look. She had her hair, what was left of it anyways, combed back; she smiled thinking about how much time we spend worrying about how we look, how others will see us, not paying attention to how we feel, not knowing that there may be shadows growing inside of us, eating our health up, and we only realize when it's too late. She ran her hand through her gown, trying to brush off any wrinkle. Again she smiled thinking it didn't matter, they would change her out of it anyways. She was still young, she could have still done so many things, but, her time was up, there was really nothing left for her, but this moment. She started to feel dizzy, felt how the air was leaving her lungs. Funny how she had known this moment was close, and how at ease she felt. She wasn't afraid any more. She had done it everything, well, almost. She hadn't seen him, handn't spoken to him in a long time, she hoped that the letter would sufice, that it would tell him all she was never able to tell him, that once, she had been happy, trully happy, with him; and she hoped that he would forgive her.

She sat in the corner of her bed, and layed down slowly. Her sight grew dim, everything around her was fading. Her heart beat lowered, and each breath came harder and harder. She saw his face, smiling at her, it was the last thing she saw before taking one final breath and leaving this world. 

The funeral was beautiful; a lot of people gathered, they cried, they laughed, they all remembered and honered her. Her daughter felt sad but also relieved, she missed her mother terribly, but knew the time was coming. She would be ok. And the letter addressed "to him" reached it's destination, it was read by the intended person, and he cried; he cried for non stop for weeks for he had lost her. 

Now, every year, on the death of her annyversary, her takes out the letter and reads it with a cup of her favorite red wine in his hands; he cries again, and when the day is over, he puts it away, until the next year comes. It's his way of honoring her, the woman he truly loved, more than his life.

"My dear love, I know it's been a while, but I was hoping I could finally say all this to you. I don't have a choice, as I don't have much time left. I know why you left all those years ago, I always knew, and I forgave you the moment you left. We weren't meant to be, not in this life time anyways, but I wanted you to know that you made me the happiest woman on this earth. The brief time we were togeter, I was whole, I was complete. You gave me a reason to go on, you gave me a new life, one I never thought I could have. When with you I was able to fly. But like all good things, we too had to come to an end, and in our case life got in our way. But it's ok, I had you, and that is all that mattered to me. I always carry those days with me, to me they were the best. You made me smile, because of you I believed again. I am grateful for you, to you. What we had was brief, but I loved you with every fiber of my being. 
I hope you were happy with her, I hope you found what you were looking for. There was never a day when I didn't think of you, there was never a day when I didn't smile because of you. You were my once in a lifetime. 
I never really said the words, did I? Now is as great a time as ever, since I will never say them again. How ironic, no? 

I was once happy; I remeber it. It was a good year, one where I was inmensely happy, that year that I was with you...

I love you"

Thursday, June 26, 2014

It's just another day

I keep telling myself this, "it's just another day", even when the memories come in like waves crashing on rocks, I need to go on, so I say to myself  "it's just another day". The same emotions, as if living them once more for the first time, for that time, and yet, I have to keep thinking "It's just another day". Nothing special, except one more year where your presence is not here, one more year I am reminded of how and when I lost you. "Just one more day" I hear my inner voice tell me, only that this marks the 6th year. And still I have to repeat to myself "it's just another day" I wonder if it will ever stop, me having to say this to myself, not having to feel this, so sad and guilty at the same time. I know it's not fair, but no one ever said it would be. For now I will continue to repeat today's mantra, because it is the only way I can survive it, For now "it's just another day"...

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Become

Just for tonight you can come and stay with me. Just for this night, you can wear your mask and I will wear mine. We will be to each other what we need to be for each other, I won't be me and you won't be you. We will become them.

You will hold him and I will feel his embrace. I will kiss you and it is her lips you will respond to. We will play our parts, we will become what our hearts truly desires. No words are needed, just us.
I will hold your hand like she does, you will look at me like he does. It is not you I am going to bed with, but the one I love, the one that is not here with me. It is not me you are spending the night with, but the one that stole your heart with no intention of returning it.

I know they won't understand, or maybe they will. Maybe in our shared solitude, our shared loneliness, our longing for each other, maybe they too look for another to become us. Maybe we all wear our masks for the one we are with, hoping to see, even if for a split second the one we truly want.

But for tonight, just for tonight, I will wear my mask for you, you will wear yours for me, and for tonight I can be with him, like I long to be. Even if in the morning I shall wake and find you next to me, for a moment, I was complete, and right now, that is all that matters.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

She kept on asking him not to hurt her, to please not hurt her, and every time he would smile, look into her eyes with tender love in his and just say "I love you", that would be all, she would feel at peace just hearing him say it, because she knew he meant it. He understood her pain, her fear, her fragile love, because he was the same. 

See at last they had found each other. 

Friday, June 6, 2014

Love Letters

It would seem that as of late those around me have gotten inspired and have decided to bless us with their thoughts, feelings and emotions. I was lucky to have this sent to me, and because of it's beauty, because of its purity and because of the sentiment in these words, I share it with all of you. I hope it moves you as much as it did me. 



I never considered or believed I would fall in love with someone again the way I am falling for you. Never have I known the feeling of falling without the insecurities that come with the ecstasy.  Each moment of each day that I learn something new about you I become more addicted. It's an addiction to know you on deeper levels than anyone has ever known you. This will take time, and with the unusual calm that I feel, I know time is not our enemy, yet what will allow us to flourish. 

In such a small time you have inspired me in so many ways, my only desire is to be the same inspiration to you. I can't ever remember a time I have been so naked and transparent with someone and not feel vulnerable, with you I am me, myself and I.

In our conversations I have found in you someone who I can blurt out my crazy thoughts, and amazingly, you don't judge, you just add fuel to the fire and light up my imagination. Love it.

At first I thought, "How could I have known a person for 10 years and yet not know them?" Again, trust in life and there is no need to question, just be thankful for being blessed for surviving the really low and bad times to appreciate this once in a life time opportunity with you. I am in awe with your passion, intelligence, beauty, kindness, strength, dedication, and above all your love, patient and devotion to that very little special person.

Thank you for allowing me the glimpses of what hides behind your walls, trusting me with feelings that you know could cause pain if mistreated. Never have I believed in people who say you can trust me, so that I will never say, all I ask is for you to continue lowering your walls and to keep growing in confidence that you are safe in my hands.

So my love, here is my first love letter to you.

With all my love, your Charming.  

Monday, June 2, 2014

Letter

I could think of a million ways to introduce this post to you, since it was not written by me, but it was, however, written for me. But the truth is, that while I sit here thinking of it, thinking of the one who wrote it, all I can say, in the hopes that it sumarizes the million emotions I feel when reading it, is that She is my sister. 


You believe in me in ways no one else has ever believed in me, in your eyes I am truly Wonder Woman, for that I thank you and love you, for that you are more than my sister but my twin soul, I am glad I was able to find you in this lifetime when I need you the most, for this and many other things I'm stuck with you, at the end of the line it's going to be you and me living in a big house... 
these two old biddies with all these cats....
bet we even die the same day.....

Saturday, May 31, 2014

To the one I have never met

We stumble upon life looking for that person that understands the music in our hearts. That person who speaks the same language as we do, that person who's eyes reflect our souls. We travel through the world, we take upon unknown roads, just to find the person who will hold our hearts and treasure it as if it were their own. Unfortunately sometimes it takes more than one lifetime to find that person. Or I would like to think.

Here I leave you with a writing from a person who's soul has been searching, and always will, until he finds her, because he knows that she is out there, somewhere, waiting, wishing and calling for him as much as he does for her.

He will always be The Hopeful Dreamer...



"If I say I love you, I fear it is not enough. You are the piece of my soul that belongs to someone else. You are the moment in which I understood I was not born to be alone. You are God's gift to me, the beginning and the end of my life, my oxygen, my reason for living.

Others wrote the poems before my birth, to guide my existence in this earth, to trace the path that leads to you. And yet, you belong to someone else. How can that be? 

I should have waited, I know. But had I done that I would not be where I am right now, getting ready for you, to appreciate you, all of you. How I wish I could hold you, never let you go, never allow you to part from my arms. But not yet, I must wait, I know. I must grow to the point where I become worthy of you, to the point of understanding you, your desires, your needs, your hopes and dreams. I need to grow and understand the sacrifices that need to be made, the time that I need to give you and the space that needs to be had. I know all this, and I am willing to hold out, because I know that if we do not evolve, we will get stuck, and our frustrations will turn us against each other, make us resentful of one another, because we could not allow ourselves to reach our maximum potential, to see and understand that we came to each other because no one complements us the way we do. In the end, if I don't wait until you are ready for me, and I am in turn ready for you, we would end up destroying one another. 

Why Lord do you allows this to be?! You play with us, as the wind plays with kites. You allow me the freedom that comes with flying, exploring, the freedom to chose my path, only to remind me that there is a string tied to my end, pulling me back, saying, not that way, this way. Why allow her to come to me when I made the choice to live another way.

If we have the privilege to live another life, I would like to believe this is merely my training, and the pain that my soul could feel is eased by the knowledge that another is sowing my grounds, readying me for you, the same, someone else is redying you for me.

God is just, but reigns with tough hand. I want you now, but I don't deserve you yet.

So here, in these few words, in this brief moment of truth, I write the letter that will never reach you, for I don't know if I have you with me or if I am still waiting for you to come. If you are born and I am yet to meet you, or if you are not born yet.

In the meantime, I shall give my life to the one that is next to me right now, thinking that is God's will, and if by chance or fortune you should walk my way, the real you, the one who complements ever inch of my being, I shall erase the past, start from scratch, and I shall feel again like a child, testing, taking as if mine, the toy that has been give, the hope, the perfection, the completeness, the reason I was given this perishable moment everyone else calls life."

Monday, May 26, 2014

The problem with opening a faucet is that when the screws that keep the handle tight are loose, it really takes a lot of effort to close it again. The same happens with emotions, Once you allow them to surface, it takes an immense effort to hold them back. 

Sunday, May 25, 2014

losing myself

Thousands of emotions running through my mind, and I seem to be stuck. Stuck in this senseless moment that robs me of my freedom, of my voice. Slowly asphyxiating me, turning me into nothingness, to the point where I am unable to even think. I have gone into oblivion and settled there, becoming as hollow as an empty bottle. There is nothing inside, and yet, there is everything, an entire universe of feelings, that somehow aren't really there, yet, exist.

Have I gone crazy? Am I even making any sense?

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Time to move on

Is not you I am giving up on,  is the illusion of you I created, the image of someone I could be with.  It's not you I am letting go of,  is the thought of you and I becoming something.  Is not you I am leaving behind,  is the desire of having you by my side.  It's not you I am waking away from, is my incessant need to give you what I thought you deserved,  my all.  In the end,  it's not you,  it's me understanding that I want, need and deserve more,  something real, someone I can count on.  It's really not you,  it's me believing in, trusting myself. 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The thing is... When with you, when in your arms and under your loving gaze, I will always feel like a lost child finally coming back home.

Monday, April 14, 2014

It's all I can do

The problem is that I can't think about anything else. All that occupies my mind these days is you. I want to lie in bed next to you, I want us to be naked under the covers, feeling our bodie's warmth. I Just want to feel your touch, to know that you are real, that you are here, that you are mine and that I am yours.

All I want is for us to be still. To look into your eyes and see myself in them, to get lost in your smile. All I want is not to have to imagine all this.

But right now, is all I can do. To think of you, to imagine you here , next to me, to close my eyes and see your face, smiling at me, loving me. There is nothing more I can do, but miss you endlessly.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

In order to find myself I had to lose everything I was, everythig I had, including you. Ironic, don't you think?

Monday, April 7, 2014

You ask 'what if', I ask 'what then'

The moment has never been the issue. The promise of unrestrained passion, of mutual enjoyment is always there, is always present. I can sense it, I can see it in you, in your body, in your smile, in your words, in your eyes. It is always there. The desire, the anticipation of a night never to be forgotten. All that time wondering 'what if' would finally come to pass. That bothersome feeling of unfinished business would no longer exist. You would not have have the 'what ifs' any more. Your curiosity would be satisfied.

But what about me? Where you ask 'what if', I ask 'what then'.

Words can be so appealing, they can express so much, but they can also be used to conceal, and I have known many to use them for that matter and that matter alone. So when daylight came, and the sun shone through my window and onto our bared bodies, 'what then'. What would you say to me? What would you do? What would you want from me? Having satisfied you hunger, your curiosity, your lust for my body, would that be it then? Would a moment be enough, would it do?

When morning, inevitably came, after the moment went away, with so much time expecting it, what then? After you got what you longed for, after you ravished my body, then, would that be the end?

Sometimes I wish it could all be taken away, that it didn't exist as an obstacle between us, because after the moment, I would always wonder, what then? 'would you make an effort this time? or would you just turn away? Like a sailor who has been adrift at sea for so many days, and finally coming to shore to replenish his strength and health, turning away as soon as it is possible in search for another sea to sail? The next great adventure. Would you be the same?

So you see, the problem is not the moment. The problem is that just as you wonder 'what if' I wonder 'what then'. And because of that, things will remain just as they are.
Sometimes I wonder if I have this all wrong. I wonder if I should give it a go, let you in and try it out, see if it works. Maybe you will surprise me, but then again, maybe you wont.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Freedom

Sometimes I wish I had the luxury and the benefit of jumping  on a plane and flying out whenever I had a crisis, just like the people in the movies do, just like a character in a book. Sometimes I wish, I too, could just distance myself from my surroundings, to breathe a different kind of air, to see different people, to not feel the pressure in my chest and the tears in the back of my eyes burning, weighing me down.

Sometimes I wish, some moments in life could be scripted.

I would write something like:

"The pain was so unbearable to her that she felt the need to run as far away as possible, as fast as she could. And that is exactly what she did. She needed to distance herself from the world she knew in order to see everything from a different perspective, in order to find herself again. She went home and packed a bag with only the essentials. She didn't really have a plan, she just knew that she had to get out. She called a cab and made it to the airport. Standing in front of the airline she asked for the next flight out of Santo Domingo. The customer service rep looked at her as if she was all kinds of crazy, and not really processing what she had been requested, asked for the information once more.
-Yes, you heard right, I just need the next flight out of Santo Domingo.

-Destination?

-Where is the next flight going?

-Brazil.

-Yes, I will take that one.

The CS rep frowned, but reminded herself that she was not there to ask any questions, only to book the flights, to make the sales, so she booked the flight and handed over the ticket.

-The flight leaves in an hour, they are boarding now.

She thanked her and made her way to the instructed gate. She had no bags to register, really all she had packed was a handbag. She presented her documents at the gate, followed the process and went to the plane to take her seat. It had been a window seat. She closed her eyes, trying to calm her mind, to shut it down, even if for a minute. It didn't take long for the plane to take off, and as it did, she hoped that this trip would help."

I would write something like that. And then I would see myself being taken away in a plane to that exotic place to the south where I would magically find a solution to my problems and the path of self discovery would be revealed in some kind of divine way by a complete stranger, who's only purpose in this story is to be my support.

How wonderful it would be to be able to do such a thing. I would always have the means, I would always have the time, and like in a movie or a book, I could always expect the climax to arrive at a certain time, and I would always know that in the end, everything would work out.

But as it stands, I am not some character in a book, life is not a movie, and it sure a hell is not scripted. So any crisis has to be dealt in the best way possible, my many responsibilities bind me to this place and I know I will never have the luxury to run away to some far off place.

But if only...

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Not what I wanted

Somewhere along the line I got so disappointed, I got to the point where I didn't care anymore. I don't know when or how it happened, but I know I just stopped feeling concerned or even paying attention to any of it. I just stopped caring.

Her: You have changed.

Him: How so?

Her: You seem distant.

Him: Maybe.

Her: What happened?

Him: You did.

Maybe it didn't happen all of a sudden, maybe it was the many little things that made me feel like you didn't care enough, like you wouldn't see me, didn't want to make an effort. Throughout the time we were together, it seemed that as time went by, instead of growing closer, we grew further apart, and I fought so hard, at first. I was still enthusiastic, I was still hopeful, I was still living in the illusion that I mattered enough to you. That I mattered enough for you to stay. That you would see past my masks, and be the one to help me put back together the broken pieces of my soul.

Him: where have you been?

Her: I am sorry, I've been busy.

Him: What are you doing>

Her: can we talk later? I am in the middle of something.

Him: I feel like we don't have time for each other anymore.

Her: Don't say that, I promise I will make it up to you.

Him: I've heard that line before.

Her: Don't be like that.

Him: I am not being like anything. Anyways, I thought you had to go.

Her: I do. can we talk later.

Him: if you find the time.

But, slowly, the fog started to lift, and I started seeing things that took me by surprise. You were no longer so eager to talk to me. You no longer felt the need to be close to me. You were giving up, and I didn't realize you were letting me go.

Him: Hey, I've been calling.

Her: Sorry, I've been busy.

Him: so busy you could not return my calls? Want to go out tonight?

Her: I can't, I'm sorry.

Him: When can I see you.

Her: I will call you.

Him: How long will I have to wait this time?

Her: I have to go. We will talk later.

I thought it was something I did. For days I beat myself up, thinking of how to make it better. I was so doubtful of everything I said, everything I did. Did I give too much? Did I not give enough? Did I say the wrong thing, again? Am I not behaving the way I should? And a million other questions, self doubting questions kept on coming to my head. Until I stopped. I realized that there was no reason to be torturing myself like this, that I should not be having to try so hard to gain your attention.

Her: I've been calling. Is everything ok?

Him: I know. I've been busy.

Her: that is supposed to be my line. Busy with what?

Him: Busy taking care of myself.

Her: I can help you.

Him: No, you can't.

Her: What do you...?

Him: I have to go.

Her: but..

Him: bye.

I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so bad. But things don't always work the way we want them to, the way we plan them. I know that. Still today I dream about you coming to me, telling me how sorry you are you never gave me the attention I deserved, you never valued me for who I am. Still today I hope you will realize I would give anything to have you by my side. Still today I sometimes pick up my phone and put in your number, but just the same I take it off, because, what would be the point in calling you? It will only lead me to more suffering, and I believe I have had enough to last me a lifetime.

Though...sigh! If only you would come, one last time, for one more day. If I could just maybe... What would we be then?

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The things we don't say

They were both broken by the past, looking to rebuild the present, to be able to walk on the path of a possible future together. But they kept a lot to themselves. With them, it wasn't so much about what they said, but about what they didn't. Their silences usually speaking louder than their words or even their actions. 


They were sitting in the living room, quietly, just looking at each other. She felt there was something that he wanted to say but couldn't, he knew there was a lot that was going on with her, but she would pretend everything was ok. They were both burning, yet, refused to burn together. 

Her: Why are you so quiet?

Him: What do you mean?

Her: You are quiet. More than usual.

Him: not really. I am just...distracted I guess.

Her: What's distracting you?

Him: oh, just things, you know.

Her: Well that is specific.

Him: lose the sarcasm.

Her: lose the vagueness.

Him: I thought you were the vague one.

Her: So did I. So?

Him: So what?

Her: You're really not going to tell me?

Him: There is nothing to tell.

Her: except that I get a feeling that there is.

Him: Not really.

Her: Would you like for me to leave? 

Him: is that what you want?

Her: Stop doing that please.

Him: What?

Her: turning things around all the time.

Him: it was just a question.

Her: yes, same here.

Him: No, I don't want you to leave.

Her: Good. Because I don't want to leave.

Him: Good.I could say the same thing though.

Her: about what?

Him: about you, holding something back. Is there something you want to tell me?

Her: Not really.

Him: You're sure.

Her: I am going to take a bath.

Him: want me to join you?

Her: I would love that.

Him: Go ahead and set up. I will be right over

Her: ok.

She stood up and went past him, caressing his cheek as she did so. He smiled, but made no attempt to stand. They both knew they were holding back, but neither could take that step forward. After she left the room he looked at the stairs she had went up through.

Him: (whispered) I am falling for you. Hard and fast, and I can't do anything about it. Not sure I want to either. There are so many things I would like to say to you, but can never seem to find the words. You keep yourself so hidden, away. Your walls are high, and I want to climb all of them, tear them down. I just wish you would give me a peephole through which I could get a glimpse of your true self.

He sighed aloud and stood up to join her in the bathroom.

She was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, absent-minded, looking into the water. She was thinking about him, she knew he wasn't telling, but then again, neither was she.

Her: (whispered) You weren't wrong when you said you were dangerous for me. Already I know the amount of damage you can do, and still I am here. I am trying so hard to slow this down, but it's hitting me like a tidal wave. I am scared, because I am hopeful. I don't want to make the same mistakes. You are different than what I know, and because of that, you scare me more. And I wonder, would you still want me if you knew me, all of me?

She heard him enter the room and stood up.

Her: The bath is ready.

Him: Come here. 

She walked over to him and he embraced her. They stayed holding each other for a long time, breathing in their scent, hearing their slow breathing. 

Him: Come on, before the water gets cold. 

Monday, March 17, 2014

The reasons I chose you.

I chose you. Not because of what you can give me, but because of what we can build together.
I chose you, not because of what you can buy for me, but because of how valuable are to me.
I chose you, not because I can't live without you, but because I don't want to.
I chose you, not because you look good, but because you are a beautiful being.
I chose you, not because you love me, but because there is no one else I love like I love you.
I chose you, not because you are my knight in shinning armor, but because you are so perfectly flawed.
I chose you, not because you can make my life a real fairy tale, but because we can make our life together a real adventure.
I chose you, not because you will always be smiling, but because in your face I can see a million emotions come together.
I chose you, not because of everything you can do, but because of everything you strive for.
I chose you not because of what you are, but because of who you chose to be, and who you chose to become.
I chose you, not because of your religion, but because of your beliefs.
I chose you, not because f your social status, but because of you social awareness.
I chose you, not because of your politics, but because of your hunger and search of the truth.
I chose you not because you fight off my demons, but because you can apace them with your smile. 
I chose you because of your convictions.
I chose you because you believe in me, the way I believe in you. 
I chose you because there is magic in your eyes, there is strength in your voice, tenderness in your embrace, love in your heart, light in your soul.
In sum, I chose you because you're the one I want to go to sleep with every night, and wake up next to every morning. Because you are the one I want to have silly arguments with and delicious make up sessions after. You are the one I want to grow old next to, you are the one I want to open up to. 

You are the one I chose. 

No on else.

Friday, March 7, 2014

You will never know

You will never know how many times my heart has been broken. How many people have dug deep and taken a piece for themselves, torn it, not knowing, or maybe knowing, how much it hurt.

You will never now how many nights I have cried myself to sleep, whispering your name, hoping you could hear me, praying you would come.

You will never know what I have gone through in the process of trying to rebuild myself, piece my broken spirit back together.

You will never know how many times I have smiled holding the tears back. How many times I have said some sarcastic, witty phrase, just to hide the pain.

You will never know how much I have endured in this short existence, nor how many times I have hidden away pretending to be ill, just so you won't see my sadness.

You will never know how deep my cuts go, how much my wounds bleed, because you can't see inside of me.

In short, you will never see the truth of all my sufferings, all my scars and what it has taken to somewhat heal them, because truth be told...I won't let you, as much as it hurts to keep it all inside, I won't let you.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Let me in...Please


She won't talk to me. She won't let me in. I have tried every trick I know that would bring a smile to her face, if ever a faint one, but still, it used to be a start, and yet, she won't talk to me. She shuts me out, leaving me alone in this cold world. I keep trying, I keep calling.., she won't answer, she won't speak.

I fear she sits alone in the dark, in the overwhelming silence, in the corner of the room, allowing her demons to taunt her and tell her horrible stories of past, of present, and of possible future, a present and a future that don't really exist. I fear she believes them. 

She is my other half, my life support, my person. She is the one thing in this world that makes everything bearable, different. She is the person that brings light to my life, even though she doesn't believe it, she doesn’t see it. I have tried showing her, explaining it, and nothing has worked. 

I am afraid, terrified, that if I don't find a way to wake her from her endless nightmare, I will lose her. I fear she will let her tortured angels guide her down the path of no return, to the forsaken garden, where the light doesn't reach anymore.

She is one of the most beautiful souls I have ever encountered in this world. She is that person that has known suffering, loss, the person that has cried herself to sleep more often than not. She has known loneliness, has known guilt, regret, she has known all the horrible things in this world, and yet, she is the more beautiful for it. She has survived every situation, won battles unknown to most. But this time, I fear her strength is waning, and because she is fighting her worst enemy, I fear she might be tempted to give up. She is fighting herself.

I want to help, but she won’t let me in. And I fear, I will not be able to break down her walls in time. I fear, she might give in, she might surrender. Even worse, I fear, I won't be able to follow.

I look up to the skies and pray the heavens that she hears my call, my desperate cries. Please, oh please, come back to me. Please, let me help, open the door and let me in. 

If I can't reach her, I hope she remembers, that long ago she made me a promise, one she swore never to break, one that was made under oath. She promised that when the end came, it would be the two of us, old and weary, in this big house, full of old, full of us. If my voice won't reach her, I prey my hope will. 


Friday, February 21, 2014

Conversations: You saved me


Her: So, tell me.

Him: What do you want to know?

Her: How you saw me.

Him: You know better than anyone, why do you want me to tell you?

Her: Because sometimes, I just need to hear you say it.

Him: Well, it wasn't until that night that I really realized how beautiful you were. Not because you weren't noticeable, but because I was walking around with these blinds on. I remember coming up to you and talking to you, Immediately I was captivated by your smile, and then by your walk. I offered to take you to your car, and it was honestly out of concern, a lady should never walk alone in the dark.

   That night...that night was the catalyst of what I thought of you. As they say, first impressions count, and you definitely made yours. Everyday you walked in with an immense sense of joy and confidence, wearing that big, beautiful white smile, always walking tall, no matter what you wore, you exemplified the word sexy.

   Your strides, flirty and inviting, causing any person, man or woman, to take a close inspection of your figure, to watch every corner of your body work it's mechanics, it truly was a miracle. It's complexity creates such beauty and with a wave of a hand your attention is gained, with a simple gesture of welcome. On to reveal the wonder above your shoulders. Your hair, so complementary, your eyes, peering into ones deepest desires. But with the most gentle and sweet look ever. Such a marvelous contradiction. The structure of your face, like if it was made by a team of the most skilled architects and artists in the world.

   And then, that neck, that long, smooth, dark, beautiful neck, just crying to be worshiped, asking to be bitten. It's start and finish are the perfect example of anatomy. Starting from the most slender feminine shoulders and ending at that sensual divide where your hair starts. And if one is lucky enough to explore such an area, one would find a whole other world to explore with one's lips.

   When you walk by, you stop time and you bring happiness. I saw you as a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent woman, who knows what she wants. Who is open minded and understanding, mature and adventurous. I saw you as such, and I still see you in the same light.

Her: A thank you is not enough. How you describe me, the words you use, how you construct each sentence... I will never be able to...You make me smile from within. You are an amazing man, and I am glad you took those blinds off. Not because you saw me, but because you let me see you, truly see you, you let me in.

Him: I can never thank you enough for that. You came to my rescue at a very dark time for me.

Her: You weren't the only one that needed saving. With you I learned that it is possible, that I can still go on, that I can still love, with no strings, just give, no expectations. With you I experienced the wonder of being happy because I brought happiness and light to someone else. You are a truly wonderful man.

Him: I love you.

Her: I love you.


He's my Wonderwall....

I think about him all the time. About his smile, his eyes, about the way they light up when he talks about something that he is passionate about. I think about his practiced walk, that walk that reminds me so much of a hunting panther. I think about the way his hands move when he is trying to make a point. I think about the vulnerability he only lets show when in the darkness of his room. I think about his words, and how he carefully chooses them, as a way, to say exactly what he means. I think about his arms, the way they fit when embracing me. I think about him, all of him, every minute of every hour of every day...

It's wonderful. And it is also driving me insane. I can't seem to shake his image out of my head, to stop myself from mentally repeating his name over and over again. I can't stop feeling him all over my body, His hands, his lips. His scent lingering on my skin. It is maddening! Pure torture and complete pleasure. How is this possible? It's like living in a senseless reality, or a logical wonderland.

All I can say is: Have I gone mad?


Sunday, February 16, 2014

From within

It is a good thing that we can only see the exterior, the physical parts of each other. It is a good thing that I can wake up every morning and comb my hair, put on makeup, wear a nice dress, and put on my best smile. I can go out to the world and no one will know. They won't be able to tell that I am broken,  damaged, tainted. They won't be able to see that I bleed inside, that I scream in pain. They won't be able to know that I am consumed by my loneliness. It is indeed a good thing, bacause if they knew, how could they still want me? How could they love me still?

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Is it so? Tell me?

The wild side of me often wonders about certain cravings, certain...practices. why is the thought of being bound while being had so appealing? The thought of being blissfully tormented so inviting?
Why is the idea of being blindfolded so attractive? Why is it that we may find pleasure in certain type of pain? Is it about control? Playing with fire without getting burned? Or is it about pure desire, lust, letting go? do we really enjoy, want, to be tamed, controlled, subjugated?
Do we want our demons silenced by a stronger demon? Or is it that we want to release them to a worthy master?

Either way, the thought of being, just for a brief moment, subdued, is somewhat seductive... and it shouldn't be.

But if you knew you could be that one person to be in control...would you do it? Would you make then kneel, would you make them yours?

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

The day they came

Not the usual stuff I write, but it was screaming to come out. 



"As sons and daughters, we should always remember that we owe everything to our parents, but mostly our mothers, without them, we would not be here..."


For the last months of her life, she would always sit on the porch, and you would always hear her say "they are coming today, I know it." But they never came.

She sat and waited. She waited for the children that never came. The same ones who always promised her, who always said they would, soon, visit. The same ones who, in the end, never had the time, never could make it, and always called with an excuse. They never came.

They didn't know she was living her last days. They a;so didn't know that she would always wait, for she finished every call with "it's ok, I understand, tomorrow maybe, or another day." But still, they never came.

Her mind, slowly, slipped into a state of stillness, a state of numbness that made her do the same things over and over. She would wake up, call all three of them to say good morning, though they rarely picked up. You see, they were tired, sleeping, or just didn't have the time to take that one call. She would then leave a message and all she would say is "maybe today? I will be here. I will wait" And still, they never came.

Every afternoon, right at 3 pm, she would put on a dress, a freshly washed and ironed dress, and comb her hair, and put on some makeup, and sit on the porch, to wait for her children. Her little ones. She would wave to the neighbors, and when they asked, she would say "today is the day." But still, they never came.

That last day, the call came earlier, but they didn't pick up. They never did, at least not at that time. That last day, the message said "I know it's earlier than usual, but today may be the day. Please come, I will wait." She did everything else. She bathed, she got ready, she wore her favorite dress, and she sat on the porch to wait. That day, she closed her eyes, with a smile on her face, because in her mind, that day they came. It was the last time she sat there, it was the last day she waited. But her children, in reality, never came.

They got a call at 8 pm, from a number they did not know. That call they picked up. The phones hung from their ears. They didn't really listen past "she's gone." Today they all sit in her house. Today they all shed the tears. Today they all talk to her. Today is the day they came. But today is the day she is not here to wait.

Don't let that day come to you. Go to her, don't make her wait.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Stumbling around...

As all of you very well know, most of the content on this blog comes from within me, and is written by me. But every once is a while, stumbling around, I find certain pieces of writing that are just breathtakingly perfect. Like this one.

I hope you all love it as much as I did.

“Be brave. Even if you’re not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference. Don’t allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It’s there for your convenience, not the callers. Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is. Don’t burn bridges. You’ll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river. Don’t forget, a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated. Don’t major in minor things. Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Helen Keller, Leonardo Da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. Don’t spread yourself too thin. Learn to say no politely and quickly. Don’t use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved. Don’t waste time grieving over past mistakes Learn from them and move on. Every person needs to have their moment in the sun, when they raise their arms in victory, knowing that on this day, at his hour, they were at their very best. Get your priorities straight. No one ever said on his death bed, ‘Gee, if I’d only spent more time at the office’. Give people a second chance, but not a third. Judge your success by the degree that you’re enjoying peace, health and love. Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly. Leave everything a little better than you found it. Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation. Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life and death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems. Never cut what can be untied. Never overestimate your power to change others. Never underestimate your power to change yourself. Remember that overnight success usually takes about fifteen years. Remember that winners do what losers don’t want to do. Seek opportunity, not security. A boat in harbor is safe, but in time its bottom will rot out. Spend less time worrying who’s right, more time deciding what’s right. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life. Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get. The importance of winning is not what we get from it, but what we become because of it. When facing a difficult task, act as though it’s impossible to fail.”

— Jackson Brown Jr.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

On days like this

On days like this I wish I had your hand to hold. To hear a word of comfort that would give me the strengh to go on.
To see myself reflected in your eyes. To feel the warmth of your body while you hold me in your arms.
On days like this I wish this silence was shared. That this home felt more alive, less like an abandoned graveyard, a long forgotten tomb.
I wish for your ease of conversation, your silly remarks. Your melodic laughter, your teasing smile. Your shy touch, your tender kisses. Your intriguing mind, and your loving heart.
On days...nights like this... I wish for you.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Hungry eyes

He is there, laying on that couch, waiting for me, that is why his eyes are focused to left, I am coming in through that side of the room, and he awaits, expectant.

I have a long golden dress on, made of silk chiffon. It flows and dances on my skin, it has a beautiful front cleavage that reveals just enough, and a back one that goes all the way to my mid back. I feel as if his hands are already on me.

As I walk in, he does not move, but I see a half, wicked smile drawn on his lips.

I react the same, but adding a wicked look, which says just enough. He knows what I want. I know he can give it to me.

I am wearing my hair up, but as I see the intent reflected clearly on his face, I do the one thing I know drives him insane, no matter what, no matter where. I reach up and remove the two pins holding my hair in place. I do this slowly and allow all of it to flow down freely, wildly to my mid back.

I see the spark in his eyes, while he wets his lips with his tongue, and I am satisfied, for the moment at least.

I start walking to him, not taking my eyes off of him. He holds my gaze, until I stad fully in front of him, about a foot away. He scans me up and down, with only his eyes. He has not moved yet, but the tension in his body is visible, palpable, and I am loving it, knowing I am the cause of it.

I bend down and I make to give him a kiss, only I dont. I straddle him, right there and then. I get on top of him, all he does is smile and in a quick, seemingly rehearsed but expert move, he reaches to my neck, pulls me to him and gives me the most hungry, ravashing, desastrous kiss of all, grabbing me by the hair with his other hand so I don't have a chance to even try and escape from him. But it is not necessary. I am not going anywhere. This, right here, right now, is the only place I want to be.

Seven Minutes

And once more I find that my sisters from around the world and I share a special connection. We seem to be going through the same phases in life and express our deepest feelings/fears through our writings. I am more than blessed to have Salomee in my life, and more than honored to be able to read her. This is a piece of her, and in a way, a piece of me too. 

Hope you enjoy.

Life and all it'ss games have brought me to this conclusion: Where I stand at this right spot, is the place designed for me to occupy. A temporary place that I can change at any time and find myself searching a different happiness.

The big question is: Why change it? Easy answer: Because we can. Then I have another one hitting me hard: What if the perfect place for me was found, decided to change it and suddenly I’m now looking to go back? Not an easy answer there: too bad, because you can’t.

Life, only one shot at it and you have to work hard to make it count. I’ve been  wandering and wondering about the mysteries, about  my confusions, my mistakes, my winnings, my war, my heart, my true love and the end  to  the speech is this: It’s all Vanity, pure incorrigibly and irreverent Vanity. Because what matters isn’t what we lived nor what we will get, what matters is this spot where I am and the desire to stay or to change it. Then I smile and know the answer to this: “I’m staying and you’re going to love me”. Loving me just   like this: wrecked, troubled, complicated and within all of it absolutely perfect. Perfect for you.  And you perfect for me.

Life is what I need right now and it’s all I will need every day, because in the end in seven minutes I will walk on what I lived and the things that made me happy or sad. That short time is the only thing I would need to rest at peace knowing I lived life to the fullest and was happy.

Enjoying this spot and staying.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The men I have known

I've seen so many lost souls out there. I have met so many Prince Charmings that have turned into knights with rusted armors, trapped in a dark forest.

I have seen their faces transform, from hopeful lovers, to hateful animals. Torn by their lover's rejection, their respective others ignorance, being taken for granted over and over again.

I have seen them fall from grace, with hearts wounded and spirits broken. I have witnessed their turning to darkness, searching for the answers they could never find in light.

I have heard their cries in the middle of the night, begging for a release that would never come, only to see the day rise, and ironically enough, their darkness return, grimmer than ever, worse than before.

And I have been blessed with being the one who sees them for who they are, who they were, and who they could become. I have seen these dark angels at their worst, and also at their best. All mixed together in a complication of emotions.

Why they have allowed me inside? I do not know. But I am the one who knows of their secret. I have been allowed past their defenses, into their sacred lives. Their sacred thrones.

Unknowingly they have let me through their defenses, into the space where their innocence lies. And there, I have seen their hope return, the shattered pieces of their hearts be put back together. I have seen their beautiful smiles, with all their lives’ experiences reflected in them. I have seen the wonder in their eyes come once more. I have seen them...free.

These are the souls we look for. We wander to the farthest corners of the earth in search for these amazing beings. These are the ones worth saving, because they have known love, loss, pain, darkness, wonder, hope. They have known life, and they know us. They have travelled to the darkest corners of their souls, and returned wiser, more knowledgeable, more caring.


I have seen them, I have known them, I have fallen in love with them and I have had to let them go. But I know.


We can save them, and through them, we can be saved.

Secrets...

There are things in life that I keep hidden from the world. A secret if you must. There are things that I say to no one, for the sake of keeping it sacred, pure, mine.


Like you. You are the secret I hold back, the one thing I reveal to none. Sometimes not even to myself.

Why? Because, like today, I can inhale and smell the scent of your perfume. The last vestiges of its aroma lingering on my lips, on my body. And in this moment I can remember, revel on the memory of our naked bodies entwined together. Our hands, eager to touch, our flesh burning, aching to be touched, our hearts, craving the union.

In this moment, I can smile to myself, knowing that only I know of you, and only you know of me, as I was with you.

Oh yes! There are things I keep hidden from the world, sometimes even from myself. But when I remember, I can only smile.


My secret is safe with me. You are safe, hidden deep in me, resting in my soul.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I remember...us

We were lovers once. We made each other burn under sheets of satin, adorned with the light of the full moon's glow.

I remember. We were passionate, such passionate lovers, we swore never to let go. But we were so in love, or was it in lust? We were ignorant to the truth, the undeniable truth, that we can never truly belong to anyone else, but ourselves.

We used to make love until our bodies gave out, until our minds became numb. We made a thousand promises under the inhibiting effects of lust. Oh! the things we said to each other, the things we made each other feel.

But time is no one's friend, and neither is lust. One ticks away slowly, witness to the gradual decay of our seemingly insatiable thirst. And the other, well, it burns, fast, as a fire through a wide forest, trees screaming in pain under the heat coursing along its veins.
spreading

Soon, all the promises were broken, all the passion was spent, no longer did we make each other tremble, burn, no longer did we dance under the full moon's gaze.

There were no more words, there were no more sensations. We were gone. An emptiness that seemed to fill the earth was left in our wake. We were no more.

I remember how, once, it seems a long time ago now, we were the best of lovers, I remember how we longed for each other. I remember all those moments we spent together. I remember you... I remember us.

Friday, January 17, 2014

A letter to myself

I often ask people that if they could chose to go forward or backwards in time, where they would go?

More often than not they say backwards in time, 10, 15, 20 years before, so they could do it all over again, or do the things they never did. And then they would ask me. For a long time I never knew what to say, I really never knew what I would chose or why. And then, it came to me.

I've had the privilege and the blessing to understand so much in such a short time in my life, to learn to accept all those things that I cannot change, but never stop trying to change those I have the capability to. I have had the opportunity to see and hear so much, to love so fully, to express myself so freely that it seems impossible that I would ever want to go back to a time when I was so ignorant and blind.

I am finally at peace with fact that I am right where I am supposed to be, and I am just the person I am meant to be.

I am finally at peace with myself. And that is all that matters.

A familiar scent on a winter's morning

Every once in while, when I least expect it, I get a whif of your scent. That way your perfume would smell, only on your skin.

It is absurd, I know. You are not here, and still, I know it's you. It invades me, it causes a reaction in my senses, the same reaction it would cause when I would smell your naked skin.

It always come unexpectedly, and it only lasts for a few seconds. Seconds in which I remember all the great times we had.

Something so simple and yet so powerful. A scent, that is all that it takes, your scent, and I am back in your arms.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Letters to you...

My dear love:

I've thought about it so many times. To just pick up the phone and call you, ask you to come to me and stay. But I know I can't...I won't.

Seeing you again has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Hearing you once more made me hope for better things. Knowing you are there for me, fills me with a happiness I thought gone. All great things.

However, it also destroys me. It makes my soul cry out in pain and I slowly become bitter. You are there for me, but you are not mine. I have tried to be as detached as possible. I have kept you at arms lenght for that reason. Because no matter how much time passes, you still hurt.

Our paths no longer run alongside. The roads we walk upon have taken many turns, away from each other, and you and I know that trying to re-build them, to cross paths, is not safe.

I would love nothing more than to have one more night. One last night to feel how you make mad-sweet love to me, to lose myself in your touch, in your kisses. To give free reign to my desire, to let my passions unfold. I would love nothing more than one last breath, one last heartbeat, one last word from you.

But we made our choices long ago. You went your way, I went mine. We must now be true to those choices.


I guess that's what happens when falling in love with someone like you. After all, an angel is not meant to love a demon, for either, one burns in hell with the weight of their sins, or the other burns in heaven with the weight of their guilt. Either way, we burn, for eternity.


And eternally I shall burn with the memory of you.