Thursday, May 23, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
I remember a time in my life when everything seemed to go right and things were simpler. A time when I would ask for something and get it. When I didn't have to think about doing something so much, because it could affect someone and the consequences could be potentially devastating.
I remember a time when a kiss was more than just a kiss. It was an expression of desire, tenderness, of love. It meant an emotional connection between two pe
ople. It was a time when a kiss was the beginning of something wonderful, rather than a bittersweet goodbye.
I remember a time when words of joy would flow from my hands onto the paper and I would bring smiles to peoples faces. When I felt the sun shine brighter, my heart beat faster, my blood burn hotter. A time when the winds would speak to me and my soul would understand.
I remember a time when all I wanted was for you to hug me, to hold me, to keep me from harm, to love me. It was the time when all you needed was my smile, my hand on yours, my love in return.
There is one thing though that I remember most, but wish I didn't. I remember the last time we saw each other. I remember you standing on the door, lingering. Things were no longer simple; I could no longer ask and get right away, neither could you; we had acted, and the consequences turned out to be more than devastating. There were no more kisses, no more tenderness, no more love. You were standing there, looking at me, and we didn't hug each other; I didn't hold out my hand to you. We were broken, and there were no means of repairing this, of repairing us.
Sunlight was replaced by eternal grey skies; my heart, it felt, stopped beating; my blood didn't burn anymore. And all of a sudden, all was quiet, for even the winds stayed still.
I don't know how it happened, or when it happened, but I know it did, and as much as I remember, I wish I could forget.
Only that forgetting that would mean forgetting you. And even with the unbearable pain of that last day, at least, I got to say goodbye.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
I have recently been blessed with reaching thirty years of my life, and everything is supposed to be different, to feel different, or so people say, yet it doesn't. I still feel like a teenager when I see the guy I like. I still smile like an idiot when he looks my way or even after he kisses me. I still do stupid things that I end up regreting immediately after. I am supposed to be all grown up and yet I still feel like a kid.
I have gotten this far and still don't have the answers. I have lived so much but still don't know where I am supposed to go or even how I am supposed to get there. I know things have changed, but I can't really say how or when.
We are supposed to walk in our paths and learn so many valuable lessons along the way, yet, I feel I have learned nothing and life is ahead of me, waiting, inviting.
Maybe it's not about figuring it all out. Maybe it's about just walking ahead and trying to be smart enough not to make the same mistakes. And if by any chance we were not smart and ended up messing up even more, then, maybe it's about having the strength to say "I fucked up, now let me try to fix it, and if I can't, let me just move on, keep walking".
Maybe we are not supposed to "grow up" but "grow wise". I would surely prefer the latter one.
I don't have the answers, but maybe, just maybe, I am not meant to.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
This is a place I find peace at, with the sweet summer's breeze coming in through my window and the smell of the sea's salty water caressing my senses, I feel at ease. I know that it is the perfect setting for me to finish the story, but the words, the phrases, the images escape me. Maybe I am too at ease here, or maybe it's that phrase, that one phrase I can't seem to get out of my head...
"will you dance for me now?"
That is all he had to say. It was the one phrase that would cause all my senses to just go haywire. There was history between us, and a lot of it. We were friends before we became lovers, and still then, we were best friends. Something happened along the way, something that made us part, follow different paths. We were so young then, we believed we could overcome anything, but our innocence, and foolish beliefs blinded us from the cruelty of this world. Our thirst for greatness, I believe, was one of the things that got in our way. We became so obsessed about everything else, that we forgot about each other. I guess I could say, we stopped fighting for one another.
Time was of the essence, just not for us to share it. But that phrase... I came here to escape him, and he followed me, not physically, I don't think he wants to anymore, but in my mind, in my body, he is still here.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I look around and see the dried roses by the table and I remember. It didn't use to be this way. This house was once a home. It was once warm and full of joy. Even on rainy days like this, this place was bright. But things change, people...well people they disappoint us, they lie to us, and then, they leave us. The roses, they represent something great, something strong, something full of possibilities, and yet, dried as they are, they represent something gone, just like the life and color in them.
The rain has decreased but the wind still blows hard. It comes in through the creeks and it sounds like a song. I wonder if it is trying to tell me something. I doubt I would understand anyways. It blows all around me and I can almost feel as though it wrapped itself around my heart. I'm going numb, it's getting darker. I could cry, but there are no more tears in my eyes. I could scream, but my voice has left me. I no longer have the strength to fight for something that seems hopeless.
I look outside and I see...I see nothing but grey skies and rain; and I can't help thinking "I'm alone, I'm numb and nothing but memories remain"
Saturday, May 4, 2013
The sight of you lying in my bed, almost like God sent you to this earth...aren't you a sight for hungry eyes!