Love Quotes

It was only a moment, but in that moment I loved you more than I will ever love anyone in a lifetime.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Tell me how it feels...Us...

Tell me how it feels?

I kept on hearing his voice whispering to me, over and over again, the same phrase "tell me how it feels". 

*doorbell rings*

Him: you came

Her: you called

Him: I wasn't sure you would come.

Her: why not?

Him: you sounded hesitant on the phone.

Her: it has been a while.

Him: I'm sorry

Her: for what?

Him: not keeping in touch.

Her: I'm not asking for an explanation.

I walked into his house as we spoke and that familiar smell hit me, all sorts of memories coming back to me. Pine, whiskey and cigars. So like him. The smell would stay with me for days, after hours and hours of

Him: I'm glad you came

His voice took me out of the reverie, but really did nothing for the internal mess I had inside my head.

Her: why am I here again?

Him: I just want to talk.

Her: about what?

As we're talking we are moving towards the living room and I get a glimpse of the hallway that leads to the bedroom. My mind drifts, memories of all the things that happened there come back to me like a wave hitting the shore. 

Him: are you listening?

Her: huh?

Once more I force myself to pay attention to what he is saying, and I pray that he doesn't notice.

Her: I'm sorry, what where you saying.

Him: where are you?

We are standing in the middle of the living room and he is staring at me. His intent blue eyes piercing me.

Her: I'm here

Him: No you're not.

Her: I'm sorry, my mind is drifting.

Him: why don't we sit down.

We sit in the couch. Once more, my mind drifts, I can't stop it, there are too many things that bring the memories back, too many places that..

Him: you went away again. Is there something wrong?

Her: no, sorry. Nothing's wrong.

Him: You usually say that when you're avoiding.

Her: I don't avoid.

Him: and now you're lying.

Her: what did you want to talk about?

Him:us, what happened, before.

Her: why?

Him: the truth or can I lie?

Her: what then would be the purpose of making me come over?

I sound weary, but I really am not, I'm curious, I'm also a bit weary.

Him: so truth then.

Her: why bring it up now, why after all these years. Can't we just leave it the way it is?

Him: I wanted to talk to the only person that would really understand me.

I sit there and look at him. I'm trying to make sense out of his words all while fighting the impulse to give into him. 

Her: You are married. Doesn't your wife understand you?

Him: not like you do.

Several seconds pass. Our eyes are locked. Somehow the inches that lay between us have become fewer. It dawns on me.

Her: she doesn't know, does she?

Him: know what?

Her: about me. about you. You haven't really showed her who you are.

He is silent and his gaze drops to his hands. 

Her: talk to me, that is why you called me.

He is still silent, just looking at me, but there is something else, something he is not saying.

Her: what aren't you telling me?

Him: she is gone.

Her: when?

Him: last year.

Her: why?

He is silent again. 

Her: please talk to me.

He comes even closer and our knees are touching. He takes my hands into his. 

Her: I see.

In that moment I understand.

Him: I need you.

Her: I know.

Him: stay the night.

Her: I can't.

Him: please. I miss you.

Her: I know. 

Him: will you stay?

HE is still holding my hands.

Her: You shouldn't have called.

Him: you could have stayed.

I stand up, not bearing the closeness between us.

Him: please don't run from me, not now.

My head is a mess, my heart is beating at 1000 beats per hour. I am fighting against myself. DO I leave or do I stay. And if I stay, will I be strong enough. I need to ask him. I don't want to make it worst for him but I need to ask.

Her: You ask me not to run now, but why did you run back then?

I hear him take a deep breath.

Him: I had responsibilities, I owed her a lot.

Her: yeah...

Him: It was real, you and I, it was very real. But I owed her a lot.

I feel something break inside of me. He answered the question without me even asking, he has always been able to read me, it come so easy to him.

He gets up from the couch and stands behind me..

Him: tell me how it feels..

Her: why?

Him: because you are the only one who can make me feel again. Please, tell me how it feels... 

Thursday, April 25, 2013

In my mind's eye...You

I keep on blaming the full moon, but then again, I keep on getting like this every time she is full.

Is as if everything plays in slow motion in my mind, certain acts emphasized. Not only can I see it, but I can also hear it, feel it, taste it.

I see your lips, close to mine, approaching, then pressing, just a little, tasting, guiding mine. I see my mouth opening to let you in, and your tongue meeting mine. I hear a moan, not sure if it comes from you or me, but I really don't care.

God! I need to control myself, my thoughts. It's in vain though, even breathing is hard. My breasts push against my bra and I can almost hear their desperate cry for release. For your touch, your caress. That same cry runs through my entire body, making every part of it tender.

Desire, lust, they run through my body and everything calls out for you. It's an insatiable thirst.

On the outside, I seem to be in total control, on the inside, I'm burning. I close my e
yes and the image of you and I, tearing each other apart in frantic lovemaking, is the one thing that comes up.

what am I to do?

Monday, April 22, 2013

He's back...

I am sitting in my office, doing the same thing I do every day for the past two years. Same place, same people, same things, nothing changes. It has been like this since I came to this place, always the same.

the clock hist 9 am, the day is just starting, and I am already bored to my mind. I get a call from a friend, it really isn't strange, I always get calls from her; her tone also is the same, she is always a happy, perky person, however what she asks me when I say "hi" is the strange thing.

-Guess who I have in front of me?-

I find it odd, she is asking me to guess something that is almost impossible to guess. She assists close to 200 people a day and we both know a good amount of people for her to ask me that. I'm baffled.

-Ummm, sweetie, we know way too many people for me to even try to answer that question, so spare me the suspense and please tell me who you have in front of you-

I can hear the smile in her voice

-The Ambassador-

At the name my heart skips a beat, my mouth all of a sudden watery and all the muscles down there clench. At my silence she goes on

-He wants your number, I will give it to him since you seem to have lost your voice-

I can hear her laughing out loud now. All I am able to utter is a weak, yes, and then she hangs up. The Ambassador. He had been what I could only describe as a sex God, a walking orgasm. One of those guys you see and you know they are that good. He oozed sex, and my God had he been good in bed. But we lost contact about 2-3 years ago.He had left. I found out that he had come back and I spent about 6 months trying to get a contact number for him, and when I did it turned out to be a wrong number. He vanished into thin air so I thought it must be fate shuffling cards again and playing with us, so I decided to not try anymore and if fate should want us to be together one more time, fate would bring him to me. Apparently I was right because he had walked right into my world.

An hour after I get a call from an unknown number. When I pick up the first thing I hear is his voice

-I've been searching for you left and right for the past two years, where have you been?-

Again, my heart starts jumping up and down and I feel as if its about to come out of my chest.

-Waiting for you- I manage to say.

I hear him smile, God! I remember that wicked smile of his, always there right before hell broke lose and we turned the bedroom upside down in frantic lovemaking.

-You disappeared- He says with a sexy drawl.

-so did you- I say back, not helping a smile.

-I want to see you, it's been too long and we have to catch up, I really want to... talk...- He let the phrase trail and I knew exactly what he wanted to "talk" about.

-I'm working- As much as I want to see him I know it is not right to sound desperate. Though all I want to do is run to meet him, rip his clothes off and let our bodies burn. Still I hold back...for now.

-Yes, that is a bit obvious since our friend called you at work. At what time do you go out to lunch?- His voice drops a bit, and again I can hear him smile.

-At 1 pm. why?- I ask even though I know why, I just want him to say it, hearing him say it makes me feel...more.

-You know why. I want to see you, I need to see you, touch you, it's been too long and I remember so much. I just want to see if all I remember is, well, you know..

Oh God!, my insides are going crazy, and desire is threatening to take over rational thinking. But I need to fight it. As much as I want to, one hour will not be enough, I know it wont, not with him.

-If you remember as much as you say you do, then you also remember that I hate rushing things- There! That should calm him down a bit.

-Yes, I remember, I also remember the exact things that you like to take slow, and the ones you love to take hard and with just the right amount of speed- that did not slow him down and now some parts of me are beginning to get moist, oh the memories!

-I can't now. And besides, you already have my number, so what is the rush?- I try once more, I don't want to give in so easily, and besides, a little anticipation can make it so much more fun and enjoyable. I hear him sigh.

-I am leaving today-

oh! disappointment crawls inside of me and shatters any hope I had to meet up with him. After a few seconds, that seemed more like an eternity of silence, I find my voice and ask

-For how long?- I hold my breath anticipating the worst possible answer.

-A month- after he said it I let out a very audible breath and I smile. What's a month when I've waited for so long already?

-Oh! and here I thought it was going to be longer. We can surely wait a month- I sound optimistic again, but there is silence on the other end.

-I want to see you, I don't think I can bear it, I finally find you only to leave you again, it kills me- He sounds desperate, sad even. I am at a loss for words. Suddenly I feel that there is more to his wanting to see me than what he is letting out. His voice is changing.

-Don't be sad. It's just a month and I will be here when you come back.- He sighs, and the episode of our goodbye two years ago comes to my mind, and somehow I know, it comes to his too. It is not just about sex anymore.

-Unlike two years ago. Why didn't you wait for me then?- There it is. He says what I want to keep hidden, what I don't want to face, not yet. Two years ago he had left for another country. Before he left he asked me if I would wait, I said no.

-You know why. We were not really together, you had other...commitments as did I, bigger ones, you had given  your word and we had agreed that it was just going to be fun for us, no more than that. You should not have asked me to wait for you, you knew the answer.- Another sigh from him and my heart is pounding so hard now, threatening to come out my throat.

-I know. I'm sorry. A lot has changed since then. Well, one thing remains the same.-

-What is that?- I ask, but I really don't want to know. I am afraid of the answer.

-We really do need to talk. I have to go now, but please, wait for me this time.-

I don't want to hang up. I know I have to, it's only a month, but I don't want to hang up.

-What is that one thing that has not changed?- I ask in spite of feeling I shouldn't.

-The reason I asked you to wait for me two years ago. It is the same reason I am asking you to wait for me now. I will come back, and I will look for you. And if you are not there, I will find you, even if it takes me two more years.

I want to know more, but I have to let him go. I have to force myself. It was only a month. Besides the days go by so fast now.

-I will be here. You already know where to find me so come back, I will be waiting.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

According to you...

Maybe I made I mistake, maybe I shouldn't have left...

Her: are you angry with me?

Him: should I be?

Her: you haven't spoken to me in days

Him: I've been busy

Her: I've heard that before

Him: it's the truth, I have been busy.

Her: if you say so.

Him: I had a good time the other night.

Her: you could have fooled me.

Him: I called you after, shouldn't that be a sign that I did.

Her: I guess...

Him: of course that was until I woke up to an empty bed.

Her: I am sorry, you looked so nice sleeping that I didn't want to wake you.

Him: you could have left a note at least.

Her: didn't think it would be a big deal.

Him: you always behave like this?

Her: like what?

Him: like a guy.

Her: you always behave like a girl?

Him: only when they treat me like one.

Her: I did say I was sorry. And besides, you could have fooled me.

Him: how so?

Her: in regards to it bothering you at all.

Him: why do you say that?

Her: because you keep on parading around with other girls.

Him: oh, that bothers you. You were the one who left, not me.

Her: so you are using that as an excuse?

Him: not an excuse, a reality.

Her: bullshit.

Him: I did have a great time, but the truth is you left and I thought that maybe you didn't really want anything more than that.

Her: Is not like I am looking for a relationship, but how would you feel if I showed up with a guy after you and I...well you know.

Him: well again, I would have to stick it, is not like you and I are together.

Her: so can I ask you why you keep flirting with me, even when with her. Doesn't she get upset?

Him: she does not understand half of the things we say.

Her: you're being disrespectful to her, and to me.

Him: I don't see it like that.

Her: oh please, enlighten me, how do you see it?

Him: we had fun. I would like for it to happen again, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the feeling you're not so indifferent since you keep on flirting with me too.

Her: ok

Him: so, why can't we just keep it simple?

Her: meaning, why not continue to fuck whenever we feel like it, keep all feelings out of it and not get upset if any of us goes out and fucks other people?

Him: in a nutshell, yes.

Her: you're a bastard.

Him: why am I a bastard? You said yourself you don't want a relationship.

Her: yes, I did.

Him: and even if we were to want one, we can't and you know the million reasons why.

Her: yes, I do.

Him: so... why am I a bastard for trying to make things simple. What is it that bothers you really?

Her: you, just showing off with these girls, makes me feel used.

Him: oh that's rich coming from you.

Her: really! are you not letting that go?

Him: have you tried to put yourself in my shoes?

Her: have you tried to put yourself in mine?

Him: not really

Her: I figured.

Him: let me ask you something, since it bothers you so much, and since I am more confused now than I was before. What is it that you want from me?

Her: what?

Him: what do you want?

Her: uhh...

Him: ok, let me try again to make it simple and hopefully this time you wont bite my head off.

Her: I'm listening.

Him: we can't have a relationship, we have fun together, you want it, I want it. Why not just continue getting it?

Her: what about the other girls?

Him: what about them, do you by any chance want to get it on with them too?

Her: don't be stupid. I have better taste.

Him: wao! feisty.  But if you are not interested in them, why do they matter. Enjoy me, the fun we can have, while I am here and forget about the rest.

Her: you make it sound so simple.

Him: because it is.

Her: according to you...

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

My dear Angel

Once again I find myself writing the same sentence: It's been too long. I know in part it's been my fault, for I seem to have fallen into a deep sleep where everything has stood still and I confess, I wish it could stay that way. But life seems to have other plans for me. 

I have wanted to write to you for a while now, but I confess that I either couldn't or didn't want to face the feelings that come with thinking of you. Well, honestly, I just didn't want to. Thinking of you, remembering, sometimes becomes too painful. I have you, yet I can't be yours, and that hurts. I feel trapped within myself. How f#$@*'d up is that?

I build a wall between us to protect you from me. Funny, it usually is the other way around. I'm afraid if I touch you, I will undo you, and you are too valuable for me to allow such a thing to happen. Life is full of sacrifices, or so they say. What they don't tell you is that they can hurt so much it may feel as if you're walking through the gates of hell.

Yes...this is why I hadn't written to you. Because you hurt. 

My sweet Angel. Even if I am not with you, a part of me will always be yours. I hope you know that. 

Yours truly.

The widow.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

To all of us...

It's not about choosing a side, it's about standing for what you believe. It's not about having it your way, it's about listening and making the right choice. It's not about hiding, it's about facing your fears. It's not about lying, it's about being honest with yourself and those around you. It's not about justifying yourself, it's about keeping your word. It's not about what others say about you, it's about how you carry yourself. It's not about what you say, it's about what you do. It's not about how smart you are, is about how wise you become. It's not about "justice", it's about being fair. It's not about pushing hard almost to breaking point, it's about knowing when to loosen the ropes. It's not about people fearing you, it's about people respecting you. It's not about being a boss, it's about being a leader. It's not about it being black and white, it's about all the grey areas in between.

It is not just about you, it's about everyone else as well and how you, even though you may think otherwise, influence them.

Even when you're not aware of it, your actions will affect the lives of others. Every action has a reaction, why not try to make it a positive one?

Sunday, April 14, 2013

How do you know if you're good or if you suck at it?

Yes I know what the title may imply, but that is exactly what I mean. How do you know?

Best friend: how do you know if you're good at sex?

Her: huh? ummm what?

Best fried: no really! How do you know? Have you ever had anyone tell you that you suck at it?

Her: uhh, yeah, I had someone tell me I suck at it, and quite good.

Best fried: you show off, you know what I mean.

Her: yes, I know what you mean, but no. I don't think anyone has ever told me I am not good at it.

Best friend: so how do you know, if you're not?

Her: ummmm. I don't get it.

Best friend: think about it.

Her: Well, I think it's more of finding out what the other person likes and trying to please.

Best friend: yes, but how do you know what they like. Is not like they tell you up front. Have you ever been with a guy and then it's over and the guy just disappears and then you're left wondering if you did something wrong, if you were not good enough, if they just didn't like they way you did or didn't do something?

Her: uhh, yes actually I have, recently. But I think it's more of a trial and error thing.

Best friend: still there must be standards. How do you know if a guy likes it when a girl goes south on him, or if he likes to be talked to in a certain way or not at all, if he likes to be scratched or nibbled at, or if he even likes it when you stick a finger up his...

Her: I get it! I get it! you can stop now!!!!

Best friend: ok...ok... but really, how do you know. They usually tell you what they liked after everything happens and only if you're lucky and you're sill on speaking terms.

Her: what! how is that?!

Best friend: one night stands, ever had them?

Her: oh! that! ...

Best friend: OK... so again, how do you know? I don't think I've ever had a guy tell me what he DIDN'T like. Not that I've had many tell me what they DID like.

Her: uhh, have you ever asked them. Or have they ever asked you for that matter?

Best friend: No! But that is exactly my point. Why are we so afraid to talk about it. How would we be able to improve if we don't know what we did wrong in the first place, IF we did anything wrong. Not all of us have the luck or the advantage of finding a teacher.

Her: well no. I believe men have the upper hand on that matter.

Best friend: really the upper hand?

Her: shut up! you know what I mean.

Best friend: yes I do. Most guys, or some, those who become, like your ambassador, a walking, talking, breathing orgasm, have that advantage.

Her: and Oh God are we grateful! (drool)

Best friend: yes we are, but we are not that lucky. We get to have our first experience, sometimes with an older guy that gets to mold us to his liking..

Her: or we get to have someone our own age and it becomes something more of an adventure, learning together and then you get molded to each other.

Best friend: yes, precisely, and then what happens when that is over? The next person that comes along, unless you engage in another long term relationship, and sometimes not even, may not like it the same way as the previous one, and then you're left trying to figure it out and viceversa.

Her: but not always in their case, because I know that we tend to be more open, usually through criticism, regarding what we want.

Best friend: yeah, but not about what we don't like, and is like you say, we criticize, we don't talk. So how would we ever get better at it.

Her: practice makes perfect?

Best friend: yeah, what if you're constantly doing it wrong, how would you improve?

Her: maybe we should enroll in a class...

Best friend: Like that sex and the city episode?

Her: Oh yeah! the sucking one! You think they can teach guys too?

Best friend: hell, I know some that could benefit from it.

Her: yeah,  like the kid, ohhh lord, he could really use some lessons.

Best friend: really the kid? How sad

Her: is like he was lost down there, like he could not tell left from right and wouldn't even take directions!!!

Best friend: wasn't that the other dude?

Her: yeah, him too. On a scale from 1-10, I would give him a -25.

Best friend: Wao! just... wao!, but really, have you ever questioned yourself after you've been with a guy?

Her: duh! I'm a girl, of course I have questioned myself.

Best friend: well have you ever asked the guy?

Her: Is not like I want him to know I am insecure.

Best friend: honey, we are girls, we are born insecure, and by now they should know.

Her: still. How the hell am I going to ask a guy "so hey, was I good or did I totally blow?"

Best friend: well not like that! and.. blow? really?

Her: whatever. or should I maybe take a questionnaire before I engage in sexual activities with a guy? Question one, do you like dirty words? question two, how dirty do you like it? question three, dogie style or missionary  question four, would you like for me to suck your....

Best friend: OK..ok, stop, no, I don't think playing 20 questions would do. But if a guy doesn't like something I would like for him to tell me so I can maybe work on it, and be better at it.

Her: did you ever tell the architect?

Best friend: Tell him what to get circumcised?

Her: so he didn't suck at it?

Best friend: oh no, he was good at that, is just that is was HORRIBLE!!!!, I mean, there was more skin and wrinkles there than on Keith Richards face!

Her: Oh Dear God!

Best friend: Thank You!!! but again, cause we keep on drifting, back to my point. How would you know?

Her: I guess, we would have to suck it up...shut up! and ask.

Best friend: I guess.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

The end of me

One more day, one more heartbreak. One more tear, one more minute. One more kiss, one last goodbye. One more time, another piece missing. One more embrace, one last breath. One more look, another memory. One more touch, one last word. 
One more you, one last me. 

This is what being with you feels like, as if I died slowly every day. Being with you takes the life out of me. Being with you is living in a hell never before seen or heard of. You are like a disease that spreads inside of me, takes its time to infect every part of my body, and I feel it, crawling, killing every cell of my being, and I stand here, unable to do anything about it, unable to breath. You're a curse, an incurable poison. You're despair, desolation, you're suffering impersonated, neverending grief. You're the unberable agony, you're the unspoken words, the unseen pain, the eternal hoplessness. You're true darkness. And you chose me. 



And eventually we will fade away, you will stop asking and I will stop bothering saying anything. Eventually we will become strangers once more, so much that I will no longer recognize you when passing by and you will no longer turn to see me. Eventually we will be no more than what we were at the beginning, only that this time it will be worse, for we have felt each other, we have seen each other for what we truly are, we have known what it is to hold each other in each other's arms. Eventually there will be nothing but silence, emptiness, nothingness. You will go, and I will not stop you. I will run and you will not run after me. Eventually this too will end and we will just let it. 

Friday, April 5, 2013

Three simple words

"you deserve more" he said, and a part of the ice I kept around my heart inmediately melted, the oh so carefully constructed wall all of a sudden had a crack in it. And I saw the menace of it all. 

How can three simple words have such an effect on me? I can't really say, but that phrase has been haunting me. It sent me back to the only other time I heard it said to me, and meant. It was a simpler time, one when I didn't worry, a time when I felt wanted, needed, loved. A nicer time. For a moment I felt like that again, and then I remembered, that time is past, it is no more. 

Monday, April 1, 2013

I'm fine...

"I'm fine"... How do you deal with pain, with suffering. How do you deal with constantly feeling the air being punched out of your lungs? "I'm fine"... How do you not pay attention to the sad thoughts that seem to invade your mind and not give you a moment's peace? How do you not let yourself fall apart? "I'm fine".... How do you walk through a crowd, holding your head high and pretending that you don't feel the earth opening beneath you? How can you look at the sky and see the stars shinning bright, when the tears blur your vision? "I'm fine"... How do you tell your heart that it will be ok, when with every beat the pain just increases? When you feel your head is about to blow up and even breathing becomes difficult? "I'm fine"... How do you go on smiling for the benefit of others? How do you keep it all to yourself when all you want to do is shout, run, hide, disappear?

When asked, if you are ok, how do you just answer: "I'm fine" do you make others believe that you are?

But more important, how do you make yourself believe?

"I'm fine"...