Love Quotes


It was only a moment, but in that moment I loved you more than I will ever love anyone in a lifetime.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

A year ends, a new begining is here

All through the past week, I have been racking my brain, trying to write something that would encompass what 2013 was for me, and what 2014 means. But in all the thinking, reading, dreaming I did, nothing came to me, except Goodbye.

So with all my heartfelt gratitude, I say 'Goodbye 2013, thank you for the million and one experiences you gave me. And to you, my dear 2014, may you bring a million more experiences to live. Today I shall raise my glass, and cheer in your honor. Cheers to a new year, to new oportunities, to new moments, to new experiences, to new ideas, and to new ways to reach out to all of those, who like me, still dream and still hope. Tonight my glass will be held up hihg, in your honor. Cheer and Welcome!"

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Alexythimia...

There are times when I am unable to really express what I feel. There is a word for it, I know. It's called Alexythimia...
This more often than not, I suffer from. Ironic since I write so much.
But whenever that happens to me I turn to the other practice that helps me escape this twisted reality we live in. I escape to the world of books. Fantastic stories, told by mirifical writers. And every now and then, I come across a simple, yet magical piece of work, that tugs at my heart, and I am spared having to say, write, express, signal, my emotions.
Like now....

This is not written by me, and does not come from anyone I personally know, but it is just beautiful.

"Can I have you,
your touch at night,
and your voice in the morning?

Can we travel
to Paris, Munich, London,
and fall in love over and over again in every city?

Can we have a future together
one where we're happy, 
and never tire of each other?

Can I love you,
with everything I've got,
and for every day we have left?

Can we have a love
that no others will compare to,
and everyone else lusts after?

Can I have all of this,
with you, 
and only you?"

I don't know who wrote this, but I am glad it exists.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

I just want to run away

"There are few moments in this life when I feel free, really free. Oh! how I yearn for those moments.."

Today I want to run away, I want to be free from this burden that weighs me down. Today I don't want to hear about obligations, expectations, promises, social responsibilities. Today I want to hear only the sound of my breathing, I want to feel the wind on my face and see the ocean in all its magnificence, waves crashing against the shore. 

Today I don't want to know, don't want to talk about problems. I just want to live in the hope of a better day. I just want to run as far as I can, leave everything behind, start somewhere else. Somewhere where no one knows me, somewhere where I am a new face. Somewhere where I don't have to pretend or hide, afraid that if I let my guard down people will see the kinks in my armour.

I want to go where no one has even heard of me. Where they don't know my eyes, where they won't be able to tell that they are not the same, because they don't know how the used to be before. Somewhere where life is only full of tomorrow, where my past won't barge in at the first attempt of me moving on. 

Today I just want to be free. Truly free. Is that too much to ask?

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

I will know

He will come along, one day he will come along, and I will know, as sure as he will, that we've been waiting for each other our whole lives... 

On a Bench

On a bench, somewhere, sits the man I love
the one that makes my days shine brighter and my nights warmer.

Somewhere on a bench, he looks for me in the distance, hoping to see my silhouette painted in the leaves of a tree, or the shadow of a cloud above.

Somewhere on a bench, he listens to the winds, praying to catch a glimpse of my laughter, of my song of love for him.

Somewhere, on a bench, he touches the spot next to him and whispers to the world "let her come to me."

Somewhere, on a bench, the man I love sits, waiting for me. 

Maybe..

Maybe another day
Maybe in another time
Maybe when the skies are not so grey
Maybe when the moon again shines bright.

Maybe when my heart does not beat like this
Maybe when your eyes do not see the same
Maybe when the sun shines once more
Maybe when the birds sing happy songs again

Maybe when the seasons begin to change
Maybe when distance does not stand in our way
Maybe when the sea is calm
Maybe when the wind blows from the west

Maybe, just maybe, one day we will meet again
And in that day, maybe we will say all we meant to say. 

It's too late

But I never had the courage to say it out loud. To tell you how I really felt. I was never able to just come out and shout it, to let it go. I never let go of the fear of you not feeling the same, even though I could read it in your eyes, I could see it, I could see you.

Today I cry in silence because you're gone, and I never had the courage. Never said it. I have never in my life had any regrets, until now. The regret of not telling you how much I loved you before it was too late...

And now, it is.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Past, Present...future?

Illusion, ignorance, Judgement, Mistake. Those four words usually go hand in hand with each other. 

Her: Do you forgive her?

Him: who?

Her: Her, for leaving?

Him: sometimes I do. Sometimes I find that I still hurt and I get angry.

Her: Do you think you will ever be able to forgive her?

Him: I don't know. She wasn't there.

Her: but she was. Always. It was really you who weren't.

Him: how do you know?

Her: I saw you two.

Him: She hurt me, us, a lot.

Her: She was hurting herself. 

Him: She was supposed to be strong.

Her: and she was.

Him: She was supposed to protect me.

Her: and she did, in more ways than one. You just never saw it, never knew it. Still now, you don't know.

Him: What are you talking about?

Her: I am talking about all those times she protected you from yourself, from the truth. She sacrificed herself so you would not look down on others, and in doing so, she made you hate her.

Him: I don't hate her.

Her: yet, you resent her. You judge her.

Him: How can I not? She left me.

Her: have you ever tried putting yourself in her shoes.

Him: has she ever tried to put herself in mine.

Her: yes, every day. 

Him: You are just defending her because you are just like her.

Her: I am, and I am proud of that. It took me way to long to realize that she is my hero.

Him: Sometimes I try to let it all go, to just move on, but ever time I think I am moving forward something happens and I am back in the pit.

Her: Maybe is not about letting go at all.

Him: what do you mean?

Her: you've been running your whole life from facing the truth, and I believe you are afraid of what you may find. But maybe it is about finally facing it, and I mean really facing it. Not saying all you want to say and then go into hiding again, but about engaging, and listening, and feeling.

Him: It's not easy.

Her: It never is.

Him: and anyways, who are you to give me advice.

Her: I am the one person that knows what all of  you are going trough. I am the one person whom you can rely on, the one person who is not going anywhere. And I am the one person who knows that it will get better, if you really want it to.

Him: She is not as perfect as you think she is.

Her: Oh no! I know she is not perfect, far from it, she is flawed, broken, scarred, and sooo unbelievable imperfect.

Him: so why do you defend her so much.

Her: because, even with all her flaws, she tried to fix the mess she created. And because of all those flaws, she is the most beautiful person I have ever met.

Him: You're biased.

Her: I'm honest. And you have to remember something.

Him: what?

Her: you are not perfect either, you are also broken, you are also damaged and beautifully imperfect. But you are a wonderful soul. 

Him: You have a funny way of seeing people.

Her: so they keep on telling me, what can I say, I have faith in humanity.

Him: I lost mine.

Her: Give her a chance to help you heal. Give yourself a chance to do the same. But you have to trust in each other and say what you need to say, but be careful not to purposely hurt.

Him: How can I do that.

Her: by forgiving, truly forgiving.

Him: Her?

Her: and yourself.

Him: why would I need to forgive myself.

Her: because even when she hasn't been the best of wives, you have not been the best of men.

Him: you are a pain in my ass.

Her: and yet, you love me. 

Him: I do.

Her: I know. 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Only Us


I yearn for innocent romance,
for a long hug full of unspoken words.
A warm look bursting with a million emotions.
I yearn for a soft touch that would tell me all you feel,
for a thousand tender kisses that would make my heart soar,
for one moment of happiness in your arms.

I yearn for a passionate dance to unite our bodies;
a whispered verse of poetry to bind our souls.

I yearn for that moment in time, when even the stars align over our heads, and the heavens part, granting us it's blessing. That one moment when nothing else matters... Only Us.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Thruth is...

Truth is, I'm scared. I am as scared as I've never been. Scared of not knowing, of knowing too much, of the possibility of what may come, of what may lie ahead. I am scared of today, of every moment. I am so scared, frightened, I feel as if I was walking on quicksand, and time itself is threatening on swallowing me, but not fast, not painlessly, instead, I am scared it will happen in a way I will be able to feel, to see, to know every second of it.

Truth is, this fear, this terror I feel, has posed itself inside of me, sat in my soul, as if a king on it's throne looking out into it's kingdom. 

I shiver, feeling cold to my bones, knowing that it's burning outside, yet, I shiver. I fear that this...whatever it is..this silent disease, this unknown poison, takes over me, one dreadful second at a time.

How am I to hold on to hope when my body is infected by anxiety, terror, solitude, angst, by all this pain I can't seem to get over?

Truth is...I am drowning.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Reminders

I was reminded of the importance of having someone there to hold my hand. Of the comfort, of the sense of companionship it brings. 

I was reminded of the immense and intense loneliness a person is able to feel at moments. 

I was reminded of the relief that comes out of sharing my pain, and of the ecstasy of sharing my joys. 

I was reminded of the secrecy, of the intimacy, of the complicity.

I was reminded of the complexity, the complications that can come out of burying emotions. 

I was reminded of the simplicity of just being.

And then, I was reminded of how brief that moment can be. I was reminded of the emptiness that comes out of losing it, the aftermath of a wonderful moment, gone forever in the blink of an eye.

But more important, I was reminded of the possibilities. I was reminded of what might happen if I allow myself to feel, truly feel. 

I was reminded of the one thing I had forgotten about...hope!


Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The logic of love

You: How come you're here?

Me: I live here.

You: I mean, here with me.

Me: You came to me.

You: and you let me.

Me: Why would I push you?

You: because you are... I mean, I am not... I don't even know how to explain this.

Me: try words, they can help sometimes.

You: let me try a different angle here.

Me: OK

You: What did I do to deserve you?

Me: I don't understand.

You: I'm an ass, most of the time. You are...just wonderful.

Me: well thank you. But you are not an ass.

You: what do you see in me?

Me: I see you for who you really are, not for who you want others to think you are.

You: how's that?

Me: you are a wonderful person. Smart, funny, sensible, you have common sense, you're sexy, and you have a beautiful smile.

You: I am also a pain in the ass, that is whenever I am not being an ass. Sarcastic, ironic, and love to give people hell.

Me: oh yes, I know that. But that is not the whole of you. That is just a part of you, the dark part, if you want to call it that way.

You: and that is OK with you?

Me: that is part of you, why would it not be OK?

You: Some people run when they see that part of me.

Me: I am not some people. And besides, there is darkness and light in everyone, is what makes people interesting, desirable even. Your 'dark' does not trump out your good, and vice versa. It's all a matter of perspective I guess, and I chose to focus on your good things, rather than allow myself to heighten the bad.

You: I wish more people were like you.

Me: then the world would be a boring place.

You: why do you say that?

Me: there would be no variety, just the same. And we all know the same can be sooo boring, and potentially dangerous.

You: I meant it when I said it all those years ago.

Me: said what?

You: you deserve more.

Me: more than what?

You: More than I can give you.

Me: I have never asked you for anything more.

You: and that is exactly the reason you deserve it. An angel deserves heaven.

Me: An angel may deserve heaven, but she may chose earth or even hell to live in.

You: Why would the angel chose hell.

Me: because the angel may love a man, or the devil, and even the devil deserves to be loved, or at least be given the chance to.

You: but the angel may burn.

Me: that would be the angel's choice. And besides, just as the angel may burn, the devil may love.

You: you really see the world in a different light.

Me: to survive, some have to. I guess I have been blessed.

You: then so have I.

Me: how so?

You: I get to be with you.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Conversations

Her: Tell me I am crazy

Me: You are, but that is not what we are arguing here.

Her: It was different?

Me: How so?

Her: Not what I expected.

Me: explain.

Her: It wasn't like before. He wasn't like before. 

Me: How was he before?

Her: hungry, lustful, predictable.

Me: and now?

Her: I feel as if he pulled the rug from under my feet. 

Me: tell me

Her: He was hungry yes, but with a sort of longing I had never felt before from him. He was careful, tender. He acted as if he needed me to assure him I was his. As if he would break if I didn't give him all of me.

Me: and you?

Her: what about me?

Me: how did you feel?

Her: lost, scared, happy, pained, expectant, wanting, hopeful.

Me: but you gave in.

Her: yes I did.

Me: How do you feel now?

Her: still scared.

Me: of?

Her: now knowing.

Me: not knowing what?

Her: what to expect of him. The old him I knew how to handle, what to expect, how to react. The old him I could send to hell and keep myself guarded, sane.

Me: and this 'new' him?

Her: I have no idea how to manage. I feel as if I have bargained too much. I feel I am standing at the edge of a cliff, about to fall, and I don't know how deep the void is...please help me.

Me: I can't

Her: what can I do?

Me: Listen your heart.

Her: What if he breaks it?

Me: then you mend it again.

Her: I don't know if I can.

Me: We'll be here to help you.

Her: I am scared.

Me: I know, but you need to ask yourself only one question.

Her: What is that?

Me: Is it worth it?

Her: Is what worth it?

Me: Him. I he worth the pain.

Her: yes.

Me: Then, you will be fine.

Her: how do you know?

Me: Because, we have all been there, and the memory of the greatness is enough to keep you going.

Her: He won't be here.

Me: Not physically, and it won't matter. 

Her: What do you mean.

Me: He will never really leave you. Not if he was really worth it. Its just the way it is.

Her: I hope you're right.

Me: Trust me. I am. 

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Come along, join me. Come home with me, hold me tight. Look at me and kiss me. Stay with me and say you're mine....

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Lying in my bed

I'm laying here in my bed, thinking of you. I cannot help it, must be the moon. I think about your hands, slowly unbuttoning my shirt, allowing your fingers to brush my skin, if ever so lightly,  in such a teasing way.

One by one you undo the buttons, until you reach the last one, your lips curling in a provocative smile. Your eyes locked on mine, as you revel in the pleasure undressing me gives you, and the sweet torture you give me. You take my shirt off, making every effort to carress my skin as you let it drop to the floor.

Running your hands the length of my arms, you let them rest for just a second on my waist, you pull me closer to you, every intention clear in  your eyes, but you hold back. You reach for my skirt and undo the zipper. You push my skirt down, grabbing  my hips, as the soft fabric runs down my legs to the floor.

You finally tear your eyes away from mine and take half a step back. The once before curving of your lips now turns to a full grin while you look at me, really look at me, standing there, half naked, taking me in, all of me. I shudder, and only one word escapes your lips..."perfection"

I'm here, alone, and I think of the things you would do to me, the things you have already done. God I miss your hands, your lips, your words, you.

But I think, I fantasize and  I remember, because when I do that, I feel less alone.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Melancholia...for the one who...

You told me I needed a lover... you are right, I do need a lover, but I don't want a new lover, I want my old one. 

I had this lover, the most wonderful, most moving lover. One that knew my body better than I did, one that made me sing with movement whenever we saw each other, whenever we moved together. Everything around us faded and our world became ours. It was magnificent, it was magical, it was sublime. We loved each other, we knew we belonged to one another, no one else existed, no one else mattered, just us, our music, our movement. 

I had a lover. No. Not just a lover, the best lover any woman like myself could ever dream to find. One that knew the song in my heart, and everyday sang it with me. My body became an instrument of relief. I danced! oh how we danced together. 

My lover, my one and only lover. Now he is gone, I can no longer see him, my body no longer sings, no longer moves, and my heart, well, the song is but a whisper now, and I feel it fading. dying. The monotony of this silent world kills me, slowly, very slowly.

My lover, the one that made me so alive is no more. And I miss him, so much it hurt. I wish, one day, for the world, the gods, the universe to return him to me, I wish...I hope, that one day, I can move again to the music of my soul, I only wish one day for my lover to return.

Come back to me...

Please....

You and I



And what if I asked you? If I called your name in the middle of the night, softly, desiringly, tenderly? What then? Would you come to me? Would you hold my hand, kiss my lips, push my fears away? Would you lay down with me and hold me tight? If I turned to you with tears in my eyes, would you kiss them away? Would you tell me it will be alright? 

If I reached out to you, would you reach back? If I sat in darkeness, would you join me, would you be my light? If I hurt, would you ease my pain? If I forgot, would you help me remember? If I fell, would you catch me? If I ran, would you follow, or run next to me? If I went blind, would you be my eyes? If I lost my voice, would you sing the song in my heart? If I were never to find my way, would you stay lost with me? And If after everything I pushed you away, would you still be brave enough, strong enough, would you love me enough to stay?

If I open my eyes now, will you be there?

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Concealed Memories...

Some memories are meant to stay buried in our heads, otherwise they send us spinning into a wild tornado of emotions....

I was so nervous that day. I really don't know why, but I couldn't really get a grip. Maybe it was the anticipation, maybe it was the place, maybe it was just my head, or maybe it was him, standing there, in front of me, looking at me like nothing else mattered. 

He looked so calm, so in control, contrary to me, I couldn't shut up, rambling about anything and everything, until he reached out, took me by the waist, pulled me closer to him and took my face in both his hands, giving me the tenderest kiss ever. At that moment I forgot everything, there was nothing but us, him, his kisses, his hands, his body, my body.

I remember him picking me up as if I weighed nothing, and maybe to him, I didn't, and then taking me to the bedroom all the while kissing me. He was so sweet, so intimate and yet, I could feel the hunger, the desire, all the promises of a wonderful moment. He lowered me to his bed and started taking off my clothes, slowly, torturing me, sweet torture, kissing every bit of naked flesh he could find, making me shiver. 

His kisses were like wood to fire, and how I burned! Ever the expert in lovemaking he took me to heaven over and over again. I twisted, I turned, I tried to contain myself, but he made me go mad with lust. 

It was long ago, and still, my body remembers his touch, my lips his kisses, my mind his body and my heart his words. 

Men like him should be forbidden, not allowed to come to earth, or just not allowed to come near women, near me. Men like him should not be allowed to touch, for they burn, they consume, they take, and they brand themselves on you, in you. 

Just thinking of him makes my skin yearn for him, my body burn with desire.

Oh how I wish he was here, now, with me...

But Like I said before, some memories should stay buried in our heads, unless, the memory doesn't come from our heads at all, but from our body, from our soul, a silent cry for the one who made our body become alive with a simple kiss. 

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

My perfect lover

-What was it about him that made him so special?

-He took his time.

-What do you mean?

-There was no rush, with him, he was never on a schedule. When we were together his time was mine, all mine, to do as I pleased. It could be anything, just talking, or more. When he made love to me there was a calm urgency, but no hurry for release. He knew I was there, that I wasn't going anywhere, he made me fell safe, and I trusted him, so I let go of everything else. I gave in.
He didn't demand from me, he only gave, he took pleasure in pleasuring me, in seeing me loose control and knowing he was the one breaking me in the sweetest way. When he looked at me, he saw me, not just my body, not just a woman, but me. I gave him myself, my all, and he took everything, he was merciless in both giving and taking. It was a heavenly torture. He explored my body, every curve, every shape, every line, he took his time in discovering it, as if discovering a new species. He was patient, he touched, kissed, tasted every part of me. He was hungry for me, and made me hungry for him, for more. 
What was so special about was...well...HIM. He was the first person in a long time, to really notice me, to make me trust him, so I took down my walls, and I gave into him. 

-What happened?

-Oh the usual. I didn't say what I really wanted to say, I don't think he did either. We let things just..slip away. Things were, a bit complicated, and I don't think it was time for either of us. So we hid under polite conversation, guarded smiles, unfinished sentences.

-I thought you trusted him.

-I did, I just didn't trust myself.

-And now?

-He's gone, I left. It stopped.

-Do you miss it? Him?

-Every day.

-Do you regret it?

-Not one second.

-Would you do it again?

-In a heartbeat.

-Even if it can't last

-It's not about trying to keep him. It doesn't work like that. He is a free soul and so am I. We are not so foolish as to believe things can last. Our worlds are too...different. But in life things have a way to sort themselves out. If it is meant to be, it will be. If not, well, at least we had each other, even if just for a moment, but in that moment...

-yes?

-you know how it ends. 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Emotions

I find that lately I breath better, I hurt a little less, I see a little clearer, I hear a little louder. I find that lately, I miss you a little less. But also, I find that lately, I lie to myself a whole lot more. 


Him: Do I really have to go now?

Her: yes.

Him: One more minute.

Her: no.

Him: why?

Her: Because.

Him: that is not an answer.

Her: that is my answer.

Him: let me stay.

Her: no.

Him: then come with me.

Her: what?

Him: come with me.

Her: to what?

Him: to everything, to anything, just come with me.

Her: I can't.

Him: you won't. 

Her: ok, I won't.

Him: why?

Her: because there is nothing left for me.

Him: there is me.

Her: no there's not. There is the memory of you, an almost forgotten story of what could have been. You are not really here. And I don't really want you.

Him: You hurt me. You are careless with your words, disregarding my feelings for you.

Here: you are fooling yourself. You say you have feelings for me but is nothing more than your need to have company, your selfish need to not be alone. I'm sorry, but the truth is you have nothing more to offer me, and I have nothing more to give. 

Him: so this is it?

Her: yes.

Him: answer me just one last thing.

Her: what?

Him: Why are you crying?

Her: what?

Him: I don't matter anymore, right? I have nothing more to give to you, though you are wrong, but I will not argue. so why do you give me the one thing you have always refused to give.

Her: what are you talking about?

Him: your tears.

Her: what? they are nothing. 

Him: but you are wrong again. You yourself said that tears are the unspoken words of the heart. And that if someone pays close attention they will be able to understand what they mean.

Her: what is your point?

Him: I know you, and I was paying attention, all these years, I was always paying attention to you. I know what your tears mean. 

Her: walk away.

Him: I will. I am. Until we meet again.

Her: but that's just it.

Him: what?

Her: we won't. 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The way I am.

No I am not an easy person. No you won't always understand me. No I won't always agree with you. Yes I have a temper. Yes I put up walls. Yes I am stubborn. Yes I have issues like the rest of the world. No, I don't make it any easier for anyone. Yes I have ups and downs as well, more downs that ups probably. Yes I will break every once in a while, and yes, I will pretend that everything is fine, no matter how many times you ask. Yes, I am crazy. No, I won't lower my standards. Yes, I will probably lose it more often than not...

But... if you're able to see past all of that, if you're able to stand me at my worst, you will know that I am worth the trouble, I am worth all the crazy days, all the mood swings, all the possible tears. Because you will also know my best, you will see that I will go through the gates of hell just to see you smile, that I will always be by your side, that I will never give up on you, that I will fight all the battles that come, next to you.

You will know that I will love you with all I have and I will share with you all I am. I will give you a part of my most treasured possession, a part of my soul. 

Because, if you stay, then you are also worth it all. 

Monday, June 24, 2013

When things change

It is said that when some things are about to come to an end, you are able to sense it and it is even noticeable in your demeanor, the way you talk, walk, look, even the way you approach things, it all changes.

I believe this to be true. I saw it in his face right before he took the decision that would finally give him that long desired peace. I saw it in the faces of all those who stood by my side watching that old friend wave goodbye on that final day. And now, whether by desire or by certainty, i feel it once more crawling inside, and i see the looks of others as i feel the walls closing in, and the door shutting slowly. Could it be my turn to leave? Is the final chapter  of this long and dramatic story really being written? Is it finally time to move on? To willingly defy gravity?

Oh i hope so, because this time i am ready to leap.

Friday, June 21, 2013

So...but...then...Hesitation

I wanted to... but then I thought that....so I decided...well, no. I wanted to say that... but then I freaked out, so I said...no. I wanted to reach out and... just a bit to... and then maybe...no, my hand stood where it was. I wanted to do so many thigns...but...one by one, I said no.

Maybe I am a coward or maybe I am just hoping that I don't have to be the one to... but then... so...yeah.

Is just that...well, I just...you know...and so do I...but I can't...I won't...I just...

I guess this is all I can say. Even if it doesn't make much sense.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Life goes on.

-How do you do it?

-How do I do what?

-How do you deal with the vast emptiness that threatnes on swallowing you whole?

-Oh that. I live one second at a time. I step into the sunlight, close my eyes, feel the warmth and breath deeply. 

-Does it work?

-Sometimes.

-And when it doesn't?

-Then I breath a little harder. There is no other choice, life goes on, with or without them. 

-It hurts too much.

-It does.

-Why?

-Because it mattered. 

-I don't want to hurt.

-You will always hurt, you can chose not to suffer.

-How do I do that?

-Just breathe.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Conversations

Him: So how come you don't have a boyfriend?

Her: (I almost choke on my food at the unexpected question) umm... where did that come from, I thought we were going for small, uncomplicated conversation.

Him: it's a simple enough question.

Her: that may not have a simple answer.

Him: I am sure you can simplify it enough.

Her: Can I just choose not to answer?

Him: yes, but that doesn't mean I wont ask again, some other time.

Her: well, I could come up with a million and one excuses.

Him: how about the truth instead.

Her: I don't know. I guess, I haven't been looking and no one seems to have wanted it enough for me to even consider it.

Him: I would think that someone like you would have men lining up to date you.

Her: someone like me?

Him: smart, gorgeous, sexy, fun...

Her: you're going to make me blush.

Him: just stating simple facts.

Her: no line of men. not before, not now, not ever.

Him: you should go to Europe, there you would be a huge thing.

Her: I would have to travel across the world just to get noticed?

Him: you get noticed here, but that is not what I meant.

Her: I once asked a friend of mine why it was so difficult for me, he said I intimidated men.

Him: I can see that happening.

Her: not you too!

Him: no really! I can see it happening.

Her: how?

Him: you are the type of woman who can fend for herself, you're beautiful, your head is not full of dumb things, meaning that a man would actually have to know something about anything to be able to talk to you, and you are not shallow, so a guy cannot come up to you and flash his immense riches, or fun toys and impress you.

Her: I thought that would be a good thing.

Him: it is, just that not everyone can see that. You add to any insecurity a guy may have.

Her: I what?!

Him: most guys, when in front of a woman like you, strong and independent, a woman that knows what she wants and can get it, start thinking less of themselves, they start with "If I go and talk to her will she turn me down?" "Will she even look at me?" "Am I her type?" "Would I be able to offer her anything?" "Would I be enough?" and a whole other bunch of things.

Her: Those things actually go through your mind?

Him: you'd be surprised!

Her: you don't seem to have that problem.

Him: I hide it pretty well, but I will confess that if you had not spoken to me first, I probably would have never even attempted to approach you, no matter how much I wanted to.

Her: What!!!!

Him: have you seen yourself?!

Her: I am not some kind of mythical creature!!!

Him: you are not exactly common either. You walk like you own the world, and you probably could, if you wanted to.

Her: I walk like that to hide my insecurity! Walk tall, firm step, don't let the world see your pain kind of stuff. I...

Him: well, it works. The looks, the walk, the brain, overkill.

Her: you are making me blush again.

Him: sorry

Her: I never thought guys were that insecure, I thought they were just not interested.

Him: we have perfected the "I don't care" face, saves us from a lot of embarrassing moments. Besides, if we make you guys think we are not interested, we avoid being rejected.

Her: Wao!, men have issues.

Him: as many as women.

Her: Did you overcome them, then?

Him: I learned how to deal with them. I risk it every once in while. 

Her: I wish more men would. If they don't risk it, they will never gain anything.

Him: yeah, well, it takes time.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

She

She's been away lately, absent, distracted she says, but I don't believe her. I think she is leaving me, slowly slipping away, and I don't know what to do to make her look at me the same way she used to. 

She would notice me even before I noticed her. She could smell me coming, or so she said. I think she sensed me more than anything. Everything with her used to be different, magical even. I loved it. 

She took me into unknown realms, just by being my friend. She showed me the world under a different light. Her never faltering cheerfulness, her beautiful smile, her sparkling eyes; they became things I craved for every morning when waking up. I would dream of her, long for her, and the feeling would last throughout the day, until I saw her, or talked to her, it was the only thing that would make it go away.

She became a need for me, a means to surviving what for me, at a time, was hell. She was my angel, my light, my breath of fresh air. She was beauty in the flesh. I believe she knew the secrets of life, for she made everything seem so easy, so simple, so joyful. With her, everything was better, everything was perfect. With her I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. 

One day everything started changing. Small yet noticeable changes, at least in her. She would smile, but it would seem cold, practiced and fake. Her eyes stopped shinning, and a dark mood appeared to have taken over her. So unnatural, so unlike the woman I had met. She started keeping to herself. She would avoid talking to me and when I asked, she would always have a logical explanation. Her words were the same, but the meaning had changed. She would act kindly, friendly, but there was something underneath it all, something she wouldn't say, or at least not to me. It's as if our friendship had been torn and the gap forming was becoming irreparable. I don't know what caused it.

Today I sit here, thinking of her, still craving for her, longing for her words of kindness, her smart retorts. I look to the skies and send a silent prayer "return her to me, send her back, let her find her way to what we used to be". But the skies turn grey and it rains on me, as if God is denying me this. I grow uneasy, weary. I need her and she is so far from  me. 

I could reach out to her, try again, but I know that like before, she will give me that heartbreaking sad smile, pretend that everything is fine and walk away. 

She is the strongest woman I have ever met and yet, she withers. What secrets is she hiding from me? and why! Why won't she let me help her?

Friday, May 17, 2013

What I remember


I remember a time in my life when everything seemed to go right and things were simpler. A time when I would ask for something and get it. When I didn't have to think about doing something so much, because it could affect someone and the consequences could be potentially devastating.

I remember a time when a kiss was more than just a kiss. It was an expression of desire, tenderness, of love. It meant an emotional connection between two pe
ople. It was a time when a kiss was the beginning of something wonderful, rather than a bittersweet goodbye.

I remember a time when words of joy would flow from my hands onto the paper and I would bring smiles to peoples faces. When I felt the sun shine brighter, my heart beat faster, my blood burn hotter. A time when the winds would speak to me and my soul would understand.

I remember a time when all I wanted was for you to hug me, to hold me, to keep me from harm, to love me. It was the time when all you needed was my smile, my hand on yours, my love in return.

There is one thing though that I remember most, but wish I didn't. I remember the last time we saw each other. I remember you standing on the door, lingering. Things were no longer simple; I could no longer ask and get right away, neither could you; we had acted, and the consequences turned out to be more than devastating. There were no more kisses, no more tenderness, no more love. You were standing there, looking at me, and we didn't hug each other; I didn't hold out my hand to you. We were broken, and there were no means of repairing this, of repairing us.

Sunlight was replaced by eternal grey skies; my heart, it felt, stopped beating; my blood didn't burn anymore. And all of a sudden, all was quiet, for even the winds stayed still.

I don't know how it happened, or when it happened, but I know it did, and as much as I remember, I wish I could forget.

Only that forgetting that would mean forgetting you. And even with the unbearable pain of that last day, at least, I got to say goodbye.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

My thirieth birthday


I have recently been blessed with reaching thirty years of my life, and everything is supposed to be different, to feel different, or so people say, yet it doesn't. I still feel like a teenager when I see the guy I like. I still smile like an idiot when he looks my way or even after he kisses me. I still do stupid things that I end up regreting immediately after. I am supposed to be all grown up and yet I still feel like a kid.

I have gotten this far and still don't have the answers. I have lived so much but still don't know where I am supposed to go or even how I am supposed to get there. I know things have changed, but I can't really say how or when. 

We are supposed to walk in our paths and learn so many valuable lessons along the way, yet, I feel I have learned nothing and life is ahead of me, waiting, inviting.  

Maybe it's not about figuring it all out. Maybe it's about just walking ahead and trying to be smart enough not to make the same mistakes. And if by any chance we were not smart and ended up messing up even more, then, maybe it's about having the strength to say "I fucked up, now let me try to fix it, and if I can't, let me just move on, keep walking".

Maybe we are not supposed to "grow up" but "grow wise". I would surely prefer the latter one. 

I don't have the answers, but maybe, just maybe, I am not meant to. 

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Dance for me

This is a place I find peace at, with the sweet summer's breeze coming in through my window and the smell of the sea's salty water caressing my senses, I feel at ease. I know that it is the perfect setting for me to finish the story, but the words, the phrases, the images escape me. Maybe I am too at ease here, or maybe it's that phrase, that one phrase I can't seem to get out of my head...

"will you dance for me now?"

That is all he had to say. It was the one phrase that would cause all my senses to just go haywire. There was history between us, and a lot of it. We were friends before we became lovers, and still then, we were best friends. Something happened along the way, something that made us part, follow different paths. We were so young then, we believed we could overcome anything, but our innocence, and foolish beliefs blinded us from the cruelty of this world. Our thirst for greatness, I believe, was one of the things that got in our way. We became so obsessed about everything else, that we forgot about each other. I guess I could say, we stopped fighting for one another.

Time was of the essence, just not for us to share it. But that phrase... I came here to escape him, and he followed me, not physically, I don't think he wants to anymore, but in my mind, in my body, he is still here.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Numb

I'm sitting beside the window in  my house. My house...I can finally call it my own and yet, it feels so empty. I look outside and see the rain fall. The weather seems to resemble the way I feel inside. It is cloudy, windy, gray sky, and it rains hard. A storm in all its might. It's cold, so cold. I wrap my arms around myself, but that won't do anything. This cold I feel runs deep inside of me, it reaches my bones. I am at home and I feel so alone, so lonely. 

I look around and see the dried roses by the table and I remember. It didn't use to be this way. This house was once a home. It was once warm and full of joy. Even on rainy days like this, this place was bright. But things change, people...well people they disappoint us, they lie to us, and then, they leave us. The roses, they represent something great, something strong, something full of possibilities, and yet, dried as they are, they represent something gone, just like the life and color in them. 

The rain has decreased but the wind still blows hard. It comes in through the creeks and it sounds like a song. I wonder if it is trying to tell me something. I doubt I would understand anyways. It blows all around me and I can almost feel as though it wrapped itself around my heart. I'm going numb, it's getting darker. I could cry, but there are no more tears in my eyes. I could scream, but my voice has left me. I no longer have the strength to fight for something that seems hopeless. 

I look outside and I see...I see nothing but grey skies and rain; and I can't help thinking  "I'm alone, I'm numb and nothing but memories remain"

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Hunting...

This is exactly what I wanted. To have you here like this, all to myself. You can try to run, but we both know how this will end, you will try to escape only to later succumb to my charm. You really never have been able to fight me, my seductive methods, and oh how you try. 

The sight of you lying in my bed, almost like God sent you to this earth...aren't you a sight for hungry eyes!
Move, come on, let's play a bit, delay the inevitable, makes this game, my game, more fun. 

And to think my mother always told me not to play with my food... obviously she never knew how much fun it could be to hunt. Or maybe she never knew what it was to hunt like this. I'm excited, hot, turned on even, by this, by you.

Your body is warm. You look delicious.  I wonder if you taste how you look? I'm sure you do.
Ah, to taste you, how wonderful! I'm sure every inch of you will be as delectable. I'm like a kid who has been let loose at a chocolate factory. 

But I'm being so rude. Would you like a taste?  I wouldn't mind. We can make this more fun, and in the end...well, you know, after all, I am the black widow, and tonight, you are my prey.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Darkness falls

don't leave me....

I can't find my voice. I watch you walk away and I want to shout out to you, I want to hold you, but something keeps me rooted to the spot, silent. "please don't go". The phrase is loud in my head, but it fails to reach my mouth. Tears start coming down my eyes. You're walking away, and I can't stop you. You turn one last time to look at me and I see the pain in your eyes. Why won't you stay? Can't you hear me screaming out your name, pleading?

I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm desperate, I'm in pain, I'm sorry, I'm a mixture of so many emotions, confusion clouding my judgement. I'm broken.

I hear the door close and you're no longer here. This place is empty. I want to scream and still I can't seem to find my voice. Where has it gone? I just want to let go, crumble on the floor, but I am still rooted, still unable to move. It is as if I was trapped in my own body, unable to do anything. Night falls, outside I can see the sky turn dark, and it seems to cover the house, taking the light from every corner. Just the same I feel the darkness crawl onto me, surrounding, invading me, wrapping my heart in it, turning it cold, like stone. 

There are no more tears running down my cheeks, everything is silent, even my breathing seems to have stopped, not even my heartbeat can be heard. It is all...dead. It's cold, but I don't notice. I notice nothing, except this overbearing silence. 

I look around once more and notice this is not my house, not our house, or not anymore. Suddenly my head clears and I hear your voice as if from a distant place.

"I'm sorry I couldn't keep you safe"

The meaning of that phrase hits me like a wave and I realize you weren't the one that left. It was me. I was the one who stopped fighting, who stopped...me. It wasn't me pleading, it was you. I simply stopped moving. I welcomed darkness, because it was easier, it was less painful, it was silent, so I gave in. 

It was me who left you alone...

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Tell me how it feels...Us...


Tell me how it feels?

I kept on hearing his voice whispering to me, over and over again, the same phrase "tell me how it feels". 


*doorbell rings*

Him: you came

Her: you called

Him: I wasn't sure you would come.

Her: why not?

Him: you sounded hesitant on the phone.

Her: it has been a while.

Him: I'm sorry

Her: for what?

Him: not keeping in touch.

Her: I'm not asking for an explanation.

I walked into his house as we spoke and that familiar smell hit me, all sorts of memories coming back to me. Pine, whiskey and cigars. So like him. The smell would stay with me for days, after hours and hours of

Him: I'm glad you came

His voice took me out of the reverie, but really did nothing for the internal mess I had inside my head.

Her: why am I here again?

Him: I just want to talk.

Her: about what?

As we're talking we are moving towards the living room and I get a glimpse of the hallway that leads to the bedroom. My mind drifts, memories of all the things that happened there come back to me like a wave hitting the shore. 

Him: are you listening?

Her: huh?

Once more I force myself to pay attention to what he is saying, and I pray that he doesn't notice.

Her: I'm sorry, what where you saying.

Him: where are you?

We are standing in the middle of the living room and he is staring at me. His intent blue eyes piercing me.

Her: I'm here

Him: No you're not.

Her: I'm sorry, my mind is drifting.

Him: why don't we sit down.

We sit in the couch. Once more, my mind drifts, I can't stop it, there are too many things that bring the memories back, too many places that..

Him: you went away again. Is there something wrong?

Her: no, sorry. Nothing's wrong.

Him: You usually say that when you're avoiding.

Her: I don't avoid.

Him: and now you're lying.

Her: what did you want to talk about?

Him:us, what happened, before.

Her: why?

Him: the truth or can I lie?

Her: what then would be the purpose of making me come over?

I sound weary, but I really am not, I'm curious, I'm also a bit weary.

Him: so truth then.

Her: why bring it up now, why after all these years. Can't we just leave it the way it is?

Him: I wanted to talk to the only person that would really understand me.

I sit there and look at him. I'm trying to make sense out of his words all while fighting the impulse to give into him. 

Her: You are married. Doesn't your wife understand you?

Him: not like you do.

Several seconds pass. Our eyes are locked. Somehow the inches that lay between us have become fewer. It dawns on me.

Her: she doesn't know, does she?

Him: know what?

Her: about me. about you. You haven't really showed her who you are.

He is silent and his gaze drops to his hands. 

Her: talk to me, that is why you called me.

He is still silent, just looking at me, but there is something else, something he is not saying.

Her: what aren't you telling me?

Him: she is gone.

Her: when?

Him: last year.

Her: why?

He is silent again. 

Her: please talk to me.

He comes even closer and our knees are touching. He takes my hands into his. 

Her: I see.

In that moment I understand.

Him: I need you.

Her: I know.

Him: stay the night.

Her: I can't.

Him: please. I miss you.

Her: I know. 

Him: will you stay?

HE is still holding my hands.

Her: You shouldn't have called.

Him: you could have stayed.

I stand up, not bearing the closeness between us.

Him: please don't run from me, not now.

My head is a mess, my heart is beating at 1000 beats per hour. I am fighting against myself. DO I leave or do I stay. And if I stay, will I be strong enough. I need to ask him. I don't want to make it worst for him but I need to ask.

Her: You ask me not to run now, but why did you run back then?

I hear him take a deep breath.

Him: I had responsibilities, I owed her a lot.

Her: yeah...

Him: It was real, you and I, it was very real. But I owed her a lot.

I feel something break inside of me. He answered the question without me even asking, he has always been able to read me, it come so easy to him.

He gets up from the couch and stands behind me..

Him: tell me how it feels..

Her: why?

Him: because you are the only one who can make me feel again. Please, tell me how it feels... 

Thursday, April 25, 2013

In my mind's eye...You


I keep on blaming the full moon, but then again, I keep on getting like this every time she is full.


Is as if everything plays in slow motion in my mind, certain acts emphasized. Not only can I see it, but I can also hear it, feel it, taste it.

I see your lips, close to mine, approaching, then pressing, just a little, tasting, guiding mine. I see my mouth opening to let you in, and your tongue meeting mine. I hear a moan, not sure if it comes from you or me, but I really don't care.

God! I need to control myself, my thoughts. It's in vain though, even breathing is hard. My breasts push against my bra and I can almost hear their desperate cry for release. For your touch, your caress. That same cry runs through my entire body, making every part of it tender.

Desire, lust, they run through my body and everything calls out for you. It's an insatiable thirst.

On the outside, I seem to be in total control, on the inside, I'm burning. I close my e
yes and the image of you and I, tearing each other apart in frantic lovemaking, is the one thing that comes up.

what am I to do?

Monday, April 22, 2013

He's back...


I am sitting in my office, doing the same thing I do every day for the past two years. Same place, same people, same things, nothing changes. It has been like this since I came to this place, always the same.

the clock hist 9 am, the day is just starting, and I am already bored to my mind. I get a call from a friend, it really isn't strange, I always get calls from her; her tone also is the same, she is always a happy, perky person, however what she asks me when I say "hi" is the strange thing.

-Guess who I have in front of me?-

I find it odd, she is asking me to guess something that is almost impossible to guess. She assists close to 200 people a day and we both know a good amount of people for her to ask me that. I'm baffled.

-Ummm, sweetie, we know way too many people for me to even try to answer that question, so spare me the suspense and please tell me who you have in front of you-

I can hear the smile in her voice

-The Ambassador-

At the name my heart skips a beat, my mouth all of a sudden watery and all the muscles down there clench. At my silence she goes on

-He wants your number, I will give it to him since you seem to have lost your voice-

I can hear her laughing out loud now. All I am able to utter is a weak, yes, and then she hangs up. The Ambassador. He had been what I could only describe as a sex God, a walking orgasm. One of those guys you see and you know they are that good. He oozed sex, and my God had he been good in bed. But we lost contact about 2-3 years ago.He had left. I found out that he had come back and I spent about 6 months trying to get a contact number for him, and when I did it turned out to be a wrong number. He vanished into thin air so I thought it must be fate shuffling cards again and playing with us, so I decided to not try anymore and if fate should want us to be together one more time, fate would bring him to me. Apparently I was right because he had walked right into my world.

An hour after I get a call from an unknown number. When I pick up the first thing I hear is his voice

-I've been searching for you left and right for the past two years, where have you been?-

Again, my heart starts jumping up and down and I feel as if its about to come out of my chest.

-Waiting for you- I manage to say.

I hear him smile, God! I remember that wicked smile of his, always there right before hell broke lose and we turned the bedroom upside down in frantic lovemaking.

-You disappeared- He says with a sexy drawl.

-so did you- I say back, not helping a smile.

-I want to see you, it's been too long and we have to catch up, I really want to... talk...- He let the phrase trail and I knew exactly what he wanted to "talk" about.

-I'm working- As much as I want to see him I know it is not right to sound desperate. Though all I want to do is run to meet him, rip his clothes off and let our bodies burn. Still I hold back...for now.

-Yes, that is a bit obvious since our friend called you at work. At what time do you go out to lunch?- His voice drops a bit, and again I can hear him smile.

-At 1 pm. why?- I ask even though I know why, I just want him to say it, hearing him say it makes me feel...more.

-You know why. I want to see you, I need to see you, touch you, it's been too long and I remember so much. I just want to see if all I remember is, well, you know..

Oh God!, my insides are going crazy, and desire is threatening to take over rational thinking. But I need to fight it. As much as I want to, one hour will not be enough, I know it wont, not with him.

-If you remember as much as you say you do, then you also remember that I hate rushing things- There! That should calm him down a bit.

-Yes, I remember, I also remember the exact things that you like to take slow, and the ones you love to take hard and with just the right amount of speed- ok..so that did not slow him down and now some parts of me are beginning to get moist, oh the memories!

-I can't now. And besides, you already have my number, so what is the rush?- I try once more, I don't want to give in so easily, and besides, a little anticipation can make it so much more fun and enjoyable. I hear him sigh.

-I am leaving today-

oh! disappointment crawls inside of me and shatters any hope I had to meet up with him. After a few seconds, that seemed more like an eternity of silence, I find my voice and ask

-For how long?- I hold my breath anticipating the worst possible answer.

-A month- after he said it I let out a very audible breath and I smile. What's a month when I've waited for so long already?

-Oh! and here I thought it was going to be longer. We can surely wait a month- I sound optimistic again, but there is silence on the other end.

-I want to see you, I don't think I can bear it, I finally find you only to leave you again, it kills me- He sounds desperate, sad even. I am at a loss for words. Suddenly I feel that there is more to his wanting to see me than what he is letting out. His voice is changing.

-Don't be sad. It's just a month and I will be here when you come back.- He sighs, and the episode of our goodbye two years ago comes to my mind, and somehow I know, it comes to his too. It is not just about sex anymore.

-Unlike two years ago. Why didn't you wait for me then?- There it is. He says what I want to keep hidden, what I don't want to face, not yet. Two years ago he had left for another country. Before he left he asked me if I would wait, I said no.

-You know why. We were not really together, you had other...commitments as did I, bigger ones, you had given  your word and we had agreed that it was just going to be fun for us, no more than that. You should not have asked me to wait for you, you knew the answer.- Another sigh from him and my heart is pounding so hard now, threatening to come out my throat.

-I know. I'm sorry. A lot has changed since then. Well, one thing remains the same.-

-What is that?- I ask, but I really don't want to know. I am afraid of the answer.

-We really do need to talk. I have to go now, but please, wait for me this time.-

I don't want to hang up. I know I have to, it's only a month, but I don't want to hang up.

-What is that one thing that has not changed?- I ask in spite of feeling I shouldn't.

-The reason I asked you to wait for me two years ago. It is the same reason I am asking you to wait for me now. I will come back, and I will look for you. And if you are not there, I will find you, even if it takes me two more years.

I want to know more, but I have to let him go. I have to force myself. It was only a month. Besides the days go by so fast now.

-I will be here. You already know where to find me so come back, I will be waiting.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

According to you...


Maybe I made I mistake, maybe I shouldn't have left...

Her: are you angry with me?

Him: should I be?

Her: you haven't spoken to me in days

Him: I've been busy

Her: I've heard that before

Him: it's the truth, I have been busy.

Her: if you say so.

Him: I had a good time the other night.

Her: you could have fooled me.

Him: I called you after, shouldn't that be a sign that I did.

Her: I guess...

Him: of course that was until I woke up to an empty bed.

Her: I am sorry, you looked so nice sleeping that I didn't want to wake you.

Him: you could have left a note at least.

Her: didn't think it would be a big deal.

Him: you always behave like this?

Her: like what?

Him: like a guy.

Her: you always behave like a girl?

Him: only when they treat me like one.

Her: I did say I was sorry. And besides, you could have fooled me.

Him: how so?

Her: in regards to it bothering you at all.

Him: why do you say that?

Her: because you keep on parading around with other girls.

Him: oh, that bothers you. You were the one who left, not me.

Her: so you are using that as an excuse?

Him: not an excuse, a reality.

Her: bullshit.

Him: I did have a great time, but the truth is you left and I thought that maybe you didn't really want anything more than that.

Her: Is not like I am looking for a relationship, but how would you feel if I showed up with a guy after you and I...well you know.

Him: well again, I would have to stick it, is not like you and I are together.

Her: so can I ask you why you keep flirting with me, even when with her. Doesn't she get upset?

Him: she does not understand half of the things we say.

Her: you're being disrespectful to her, and to me.

Him: I don't see it like that.

Her: oh please, enlighten me, how do you see it?

Him: we had fun. I would like for it to happen again, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the feeling you're not so indifferent since you keep on flirting with me too.

Her: ok

Him: so, why can't we just keep it simple?

Her: meaning, why not continue to fuck whenever we feel like it, keep all feelings out of it and not get upset if any of us goes out and fucks other people?

Him: in a nutshell, yes.

Her: you're a bastard.

Him: why am I a bastard? You said yourself you don't want a relationship.

Her: yes, I did.

Him: and even if we were to want one, we can't and you know the million reasons why.

Her: yes, I do.

Him: so... why am I a bastard for trying to make things simple. What is it that bothers you really?

Her: you, just showing off with these girls, makes me feel used.

Him: oh that's rich coming from you.

Her: really! are you not letting that go?

Him: have you tried to put yourself in my shoes?

Her: have you tried to put yourself in mine?

Him: not really

Her: I figured.

Him: let me ask you something, since it bothers you so much, and since I am more confused now than I was before. What is it that you want from me?

Her: what?

Him: what do you want?

Her: uhh...

Him: ok, let me try again to make it simple and hopefully this time you wont bite my head off.

Her: I'm listening.

Him: we can't have a relationship, we have fun together, you want it, I want it. Why not just continue getting it?

Her: what about the other girls?

Him: what about them, do you by any chance want to get it on with them too?

Her: don't be stupid. I have better taste.

Him: wao! feisty.  But if you are not interested in them, why do they matter. Enjoy me, the fun we can have, while I am here and forget about the rest.

Her: you make it sound so simple.

Him: because it is.

Her: according to you...

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

My dear Angel

Once again I find myself writing the same sentence: It's been too long. I know in part it's been my fault, for I seem to have fallen into a deep sleep where everything has stood still and I confess, I wish it could stay that way. But life seems to have other plans for me. 

I have wanted to write to you for a while now, but I confess that I either couldn't or didn't want to face the feelings that come with thinking of you. Well, honestly, I just didn't want to. Thinking of you, remembering, sometimes becomes too painful. I have you, yet I can't be yours, and that hurts. I feel trapped within myself. How f#$@*'d up is that?

I build a wall between us to protect you from me. Funny, it usually is the other way around. I'm afraid if I touch you, I will undo you, and you are too valuable for me to allow such a thing to happen. Life is full of sacrifices, or so they say. What they don't tell you is that they can hurt so much it may feel as if you're walking through the gates of hell.

Yes...this is why I hadn't written to you. Because you hurt. 

My sweet Angel. Even if I am not with you, a part of me will always be yours. I hope you know that. 

Yours truly.

The widow.