Love Quotes

It was only a moment, but in that moment I loved you more than I will ever love anyone in a lifetime.

Monday, December 31, 2012

Here's to us all. For what has passed and all that is yet to come. I toast

I must say that as the end of this year nears and the beginning of a new one approaches  that it has been a year of great discoveries, realizations and acceptance. It has been an unpredictable time, and the outcome of all these past events even more unbelievable than the year itself. 

Earlier this year I wrote a post of all the things that I have learned in my short lived time. Well, in the last few months of this 2012, I have come to realize, that we never stop learning and that life, without friends and family to teach you everything you know, is just empty.

I have learned, and come to understand (sometimes knowing is not enough) that the people God puts in your path are never there randomly, they always have a reason to be part of your life and always have a lesson to teach, whether the teaching would be of something you should change, something you should never do or something you should imitate.

I was born into a crazy, normal fucked up family, and as I grew up, more people became part of that fucked upness, My friends became extended family, brothers and sisters, some became distant cousins which you interact with briefly, and others became that annoying second cousin which you can't stand but also teaches you a valuable lesson by simply existing. 

None of us are perfect, none of us have all the answers, none of us really knows what all this is about. But there is one thing we are all certain of, that is just the point. We are not meant to be perfect and have all the answers. We are meant to learn how to appreciate each other, life, how to love everything about it and how to accept ourselves for who we are, while living. We are meant to grow with each other, to give ourselves the opportunities to mess it up and realize that we can always mend it and move on to becoming better human beings. 

I have made many mistakes, and I regret non of them, for without them I might not be here, I might not be who I am, and I might not be surrounded by all those wonderful people I am. It has taken me a while to understand this, but it is so true what they say, Life is not about the destination of your journey, but about the journey itself.

Today I am grateful for being alive, I am grateful for having had the opportunity to have lived yet another year making mistakes and having the chance to mend them. I am so grateful to have been born into a crazy family, and more grateful for having found such wonderful friends along the way, even those who are no longer at my side. I am grateful for what I have lived, sorrows and happiness alike. I am grateful for the pain, for it teaches me that I a still capable of great feelings. I am grateful for having found a person who in spite of all my issues still fights with me, for me. I am mostly grateful for having had the blessing of giving life to one of God's angels here on earth. 

I am grateful, for all.

This is dedicated to those who have been here and who are such a huge part of me.

To the Wise engineer, to the Smart entrepreneur,  to the Hopeful doctors, to the Witchy Nadeshko and to the Rational Emotion. This is to you guys.  

Happy beginning of a great year filled with new opportunities to do everything wrong, and then learn from it and do the right. 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Unrequited love

Her: It must be hard.

Him: what?

Her: Loving a person who loves someone else.

Him: It's not easy.

Her: could you not love her?

Him: can you live without breathing?

Her: you deserve more

Him: she is what I want

Her: But she wants someone else.

Him: she does.

Her: have you told her?

Him: She knows.

Her: how?

Him: sometimes, to express a feeling the last thing you need is words.

Her: I'm sorry

Him: for what?

Her: you can't have her

Him: I do, in her own way she belongs only to me and in my own way I belong only to her.

Her: Is that enough though.

Him: it has to be.

Her: but it isn't.

Him: maybe in another time, another life, it will be our turn. But in this one, her heart is someone else's.

Her: lucky him, right?

Him: indeed. I just hope he knows how to treasure it.

Her: I hope so too.

Him: he really is a lucky guy to have you all to himself.

Her: you can't help who you love, right?

Him: you could, but eventually you will hate yourself for not choosing the person you fell for initially, you would forever consider yourself a coward.

Her: you know our story, I don't want to go through that again.

Him: you deserve to be happy

Her: so do you.

Him: you can't help whom you love, right?

Her: using my words against me?

Him: always.

Her: I have to go

Him: so soon?

Her: yes

Him: he's waiting for you, right?

Her: yes.

Him: he really is one lucky man.

Her: good night.

Him: until later. 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

A year without him... without you

 As the news of late last night, dawn on me, my heart clenches at the realization that it will be a year without him. 12 months that I wont touch him, that I won't feel his warmth. My words echo in my head and it is almost as if a voice that I am only too familiar with, repeats them in a mocking tone "a year is nothing, it will be over before you know it, and you will be back with us".

Maybe I was still asleep when I said it and be lived to be dreaming, for it is the only way I may have utter them and sounded hopeful at the same time.

A year without him, without you. It is true, it is only a year, and if I have been able to bear this past two years without really having you, what difference will 12 more months be?
It's nothing, and I am sure that it will be December again in no time. But I hoped, Oh! and how I hoped that we would finally be able to begin, to start over from 0 and make this journey our own, to walk this path together, hand in hand. That has now been postponed yet another year.
But again, it's only a year. Time passes by in a heartbeat, figuratively speaking. Time is nothing but a notion, a way to calculate seasons, eras, the passing and the changes in the earth, it is but a calculation. To us time may mean nothing but seconds apart.
Time... once my best friend, not my sworn enemy. What am I to do but wait, until time decides to wane and you will be in my arms once more.
Until then my love.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

This is it..

cute!And this is what it's really all about. This is what we all want. Passion, adventure, a great moment anywhere, with the person we want. We want to be held and kissed and loved at all times, we want to be careless and daring, we want a story of our own, full of ups and downs, full of drama but with it's quiet moments as well. We want to feel alive! Can you really blame us? Deep down we know that is also what you want, so why is it so hard for you to give it to us, and don't give me the lame excuse that we won't let you.

We want it, no matter what we say, if you just stop hearing to what we say and listen to what we mean, it would be so much easier. Really all you have to do is look at us and you will know, how can you not? How can you not see how much we need you? How can you ignore how we melt when we see you? Do you not see it in our eyes, our smiles, the way our body tenses at the slightest touch? How can you not hear our heart beating at a thousand beats per second? How can you not tell?

This is what we want. We don't ask for the world, just for the moments. It is simple. All you have to do is pay attention. Dance with us, take your time while moving us to a slow rythym. Kiss us, gentle kisses, but don't forget that we need to feel that fire as well. Touch us, carress our skin, feel us, but don't grope us, we are delicate, no matter what we project, we are fragile, no matter how strong you think us. Love us, with all your hearts, for if you do, our love will be the same or even bigger, until the end of times.
Be ours for we have always and forever been yours.

Friday, December 7, 2012

The reason we go on.

It's funny how we, and by we I mean women, continue to torture ourselves watching a series of romantic movies, that most of the time, follow the same cliched storyline. We sit, enthralled, in front of a TV or computer and will not allow anyone to disturb us, while we sigh and swoon over these created characters that more often than not are a variation of one another. We insist that those scenes, shot for mere entertainment and marketing purposes, are the real thing, and soon forget that reality is, 1. very different and 2. in most cases, more enjoyable.
We allow ourselves to be taken to a universe where love is a complicated thing that always finds a way to thrive, and of course, the lead characters find a way to be together. The happy ending. But, once in a while, a great love story comes along that resembles real life a bit too much.

To throw and example out there (and one of my long time favorites) P.S. I love you. They meet, they fall in love, they are meant for each other, he dies, she lives, she has to move on (in synthesis). I believe that life is a lot like this. You find that one person that you feel is meant for you, everything clicks, you feel the universe and God conspire with you so that everything is perfect; and when you finally think that nothing can go wrong, life takes a turn, surprises you, takes you from behind, and it all falls apart. Leaving you to try and sort out the pieces (if you come out of it alive) and needing to start all over again.
Why, if we know how difficult it is, how torturing it can become and how much it hurts, do we continue to relentlessly look for it, chase after it, idealize it over and over, and undoubtedly fall. I am going to quote here another character from another of my all time favorites, Barbara Streisand, playing Rose in "The Mirror has two faces": Because while it lasts, it feels effing great.
I would have to agree. We, and again I mean women, continue to torture ourselves, because the few of us that have experienced it know how sublime it can be, we know that the little things that happen to us while with that person, are the things that sum up to a wonderful love. It is the dancing in the living room to a soft tune on the radio, because he felt like grabbing your hand and holding you close while moving to music. It's that message at 5 am, so when you wake up you see on your phone "I love you" and your day has been made for you; It's that moment when you don't feel like talking and he just sits next to you and holds your hand while saying nothing; It's when he takes you by surprise signing for you, even is he has the worst voice ever and signs off key; It's looking at you and making you feel like you are the reason for his existence; it's that moment when he says the most unexpected thing only to see you laugh; it's that, and many more things that make us continue to hope, to look, to search, for him, for it.
For the few of us that have had it, we never want to let it go; and for those few that have never experienced it,  movies (some of them) allow them to see (even if a bit dramatized or taken out of proportion) how it can be, so they pray, and hope and dream.
And that is the reason for the torture.
I know I will continue to torture myself, for I have had it, and I know how big it can be, I know how wonderful it feels. I see it, I see him, every day, in everything I do, he is always there in my memory, in my heart, and no matter what, we will always have each other, we will always have that dance.

Friday, November 30, 2012

One way of getting even...

Best friend: hello!

Her: -__-

Best friend: aren't you cheerie today. What is wrong?

Her: oh nothing, just that I hate wasting my time.

Best friend: date last night?

Her: yes.

Best friend: that bad?

Her: Worst ever!

Best friend: but what happened, haven't you been seeing this guy for a while now?

Her: yes! and he is great company. We can talk about anything, and we have a really good time together, lots of things in common.

Best friend: so? I don't get it.

Her: we are not compatible in everything.

Best friend: Oh! he is bad?

Her: not as bad as disappointing.

Best friend: you're losing me here.

Her: he fell asleep.

Best friend: that is not so bad.

Her: while down there!

Best friend: Oh! umm, maybe he was tired.. Maybe he had a lot of work.

Her: he is on vacations

Best friend: maybe he ran a lot of errands.

Her: according to him he did nothing the entire day since he was waiting for night to come and the date.

Best friend: ummm, maybe he just needed a power nap before everything went better.

Her: I thought the same thing. And that is why we went out last night, to try again.

Best friend: you mean this is not the first time?

Her: nope.

Best friend: and he has fallen asleep while doing the same thing?

Her: oh no! before he fell asleep while I was doing it to him!

Best friend: maybe he just doesn't like that part of the act?

Her: aja! he also fell asleep while I was on top.

Best friend: ok, he has a problem.

Her: you think!

Best friend: have you ever completed anything?

Her: well, we have only tried those three times. I am kind of getting frustrated here.

Best friend: I can see that. Have you told him?

Her: I did.

Best friend: and?

Her: he said I was overreacting and that he is perfectly fine. That I was blowing things out of proportion. He basically said I was acting like a drama queen.

Best friend: so what are you going to do?

Her: I think I will try something different this time.

Best friend: uh-oh

Her: Well he called me a drama queen.

Best friend: well you kind of are.

Her: he has no idea.

next week:

Best friend: you look better today. Were you finally able to finish?

Her: nope.

Best friend: don't tell me it happened again?

Her: yes it did.

Best friend: and? what did you do.

Her: well, I was so upset yesterday that I decided to try something different. It tried talking to him again, but the guy went crazy and called me all sort of things. You can only imagine how upset I got. But rather than getting angry, I decided to get even.

Best friend: I'm scared.

Her: well, I just did some research.

Best friend: what type of research?

Her: well, he has a history of exes, and to my fortune and his misfortune, he keeps a little black book with their names and numbers. So i decided to call them up and pose as a journalist doing a piece on men with certain illness that prevents them from preforming properly in bed.

Best friend: you what?! and they believed you?!

Her: you know I can be very convincing.

Best friend: I have no doubt. And he didn't notice you took the book?

Her: I took advantage of the one of the times he passed out on me and took pictures of the little notebook, he always keeps it with him, that way I had the info in my phone.

Best friend: detectives should be scared of you.

Her: anyways. I called them up and asked them if they minded being interviewed and recorded.

Best friend: and they said yes?

Her: yep.

Best friend: how many of them?

Her: about 7.

Best friend: Oh my God!

Her: well, when I started interviewing them, and they started talking, I realized how upset and resentful they were at this guy, and that he made all of them feel as if it was their fault that he continued to fall asleep. Obviously at the beginning non of them were aware that I knew the guy as the I set them up on different days.

Best friend: aja.

Her: but when I realized that they were so resentful I decided to come clean and tell them the real reason behind the interviews. So I gathered all of them together and decided to do a bashing session, obviously, recorded.

Best friend: what were you going to gain out of this?

Her: well, revenge, what else? not just for me, but for them as well.

Best friend: poor guy.

Her: he had it coming. After the session, I called him  up and told him I was feeling kinky and I wanted to do a threesome and have the whole thing recorded.

Best friend: wait, what?!

Her: He upset me.

Best friend: apparently he raised hell on himself and didn't even notice.

Her: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" Isn't that how the saying goes?

Best friend: geez! so what happened next?

Her: well, I hired a professional actress who had no problem in appearing half naked on camera.

Best: friend: you went all out! how much did this guy upset you?

Her: enough. So I bought sexy clothes and lingerie and got all dressed up. I rented a hotel room and told him that I wanted to make it special as it was a fantasy of mine. When he got there, me and the other girl were already there and I told him I just wanted to watch first and record the two of them. He went for it. This girl didn't even have to take off much, she got to take her top off and he fell asleep while she was kissing him! I am telling you this guy is amazing! So I recorded the entire thing and went home to edit it.

Best friend: why did you have to edit it?

Her: well, i kind of took pity on him and wanted to give him a last chance to get help, so I edited the video with the statements of all the other girls, I blurred their faces and changed the voices, for some confidentiality, and as a finale I put in the part in the hotel, with the other girl's face blurred out as well. I called him up and told him what had happened, again he said all sort of things, and I told him it was over. Then I sent him the video and told him if he didn't get any help I would post the thing in youtube.

Best friend: what did he do? Did he get any help? Did he call you back?

Her: he did call me back...

Best friend: and?

Her: the video has now over 12 million views. All the other girls and I shared the link to everyone we know.

Best friend: that was evil!

Her: no, it was payback!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

More of me...

If I told you my deepest, darkest secrets, would you stay? If I were to bare my soul to you and show you all the skeletons I keep locked up in my closet, would you love me the same?

I am not the person you think I am, I am not just smiles and happy thoughts. There is so much more to me, so many things you don't know, so many shades of color, so many curves and twists. But I am afraid, afraid that if you get to see me for who I really am, you will run, and I would let you.

There are reasons I hide behind my smile, there are reasons I turn the tables on everyone so everything becomes about them and never about me. I have learned and mastered the art of manipulation and I have built up walls so high it becomes almost impossible for anyone to break through them. There is really only one reason, but that one reason is enough. I would say is THE reason why people behave the way the do all the time. Fear of getting hurt.

Yes, I know, "there is  no gain without pain", "you will never really experience anything if you don't give yourself the chance to do it", "You need to allow yourself to feel in order to live". I have heard all the phrases, I have read all the books and I have tried every method. How do you overcome pain when you have been exposed to it for so long? How do you take a chance when all you've learned is to guard yourself? It is not an excuse, but maybe is a way to understanding me a bit more.

Life is not easy, mine is no exception. But my doubt remains. If you knew me, really knew me, would things still be the same?

Could I take the risk of ever telling you?

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Painted sadness

I see a man sitting on a bed. He's gorgeous but something is amiss. He is wearing faded jeans and a T-shirt and has his head bent. He looks familiar but I can't place him. He looks up and I see sadness in his eyes. How can someone so beautiful be so sad.

He looks my way, but is as if he can't see me. I want to reach out, touch him, but I can't. He looks so torn, his expression is that of pain, but not physical, is something more, something that runs deeper.

I recognize him now, he's an old friend, but this is not right, it can't be. I remember him strong, always smiling, I remember him happy. He is as beautiful now as he was then, but his eyes, his eyes have changed so much. What has happened to him, where has the life in him gone?

He stands up and walks to the window in the room, he walks past me. Why can't he see me? I try to speak but my voice fails me, I feel like some kind of ghost, there, but invisible, unable to talk or move. He is looking outside, just staring at the sunset in the horizon. It is so beautiful, the oranges and reds and yellows, the few remaining rays of light casting shadows in the room and around this man. He looks somber, but beautiful as if he came out of a Rafael painting. The entire scene is so sublime.

I hear him exhale deeply, a tired sigh and I can feel his pain. He turns and I think he sees me, I think he is looking at me. I gaze into his eyes and I can read the unspoken question in them "why?" I try to move towards him and as I do he fades away, the room fades away, everything turns dark. Where am I? What has happened to me? What has happened to him? And in that moment all I can think of is answering his question with the only answer I can probably give him "I'm sorry"
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Behind closed doors

I smile, allowing the phrase to echo in my brain..."Behind closed doors".

So many things can happen, you can become anyone, do anything you like, let your imagination fly and just become. Behind closed doors you can let go of all the complications of everyday life, you can undo yourself, and in the process you can undo me. Yes, this is an invitation.

Images, millions of them come to my mind. Some of them a bit innocent and sweet; others dark, twisted, sexy and lustful.
Bed ties, handcuffs, handkerchiefs, feathers, hands, hair, darker side calls to me, loud and clear, whispering things to my ear, things that make my insides burn just by thinking of them.

Oh how I want you! How I want you to want me, how I want you to do things to me, unmentionable things, but still, things.

My heart rate becomes faster as I imagine you undressing me, slowly, taking your time. I can picture you kissing me, running your hands, your lips through my body. Ah! It's too much, my desire for you grows. I want you, and I want you behind closed doors, because I know there you will have your way with me, and I will have my way with you. I will be able to let my true self come out, no restrains, no masks, no shame, no hiding.

Come with me, let me lose myself in you, leave everything outside and close the door behind you, for tonight, I'm yours and anything can happen behind these closed doors.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Sense of humor or twisted reality?

More often than not I think that God has a very dark and twisted sense of humor. He or she puts us in the weirdest situations at the worst possible moments. I don't know if the intention is to test our resolve or just laugh when we inevitably fall into temptation. Either way, it is a cruel thing.

We spend years looking for something and never really finding it, or finding it halfway, and then, when we are resigned and settle for accepting whatever we may have, the thing we want the most tends to just show up in our doorstep; uninvited, un-allowed, tempting us beyond out known limits. Cruel joke of life, horrible play by the ever conspiring universe.

Maybe it happens so we can overcome our weaknesses, so we can stay strong in our choices and be proud of standing our ground, thus becoming worthy of a better everything.

Yes, it sounded like a lot of B, to me too. I stick to the cruel ways of the one above.

Maybe we are really just pieces of a chess board and this is all a huge game, in which we DO NOT win.

Why do these things come to us when we apparently don't need then anymore, yet still want them with every fiber of our bodies? What are we supposed to do with them? Say no, thank you, I already have my worst-is-nothing-sort-of-thing-going-on? Is it that we are supposed to realize that what we have is precisely what we need, and what we want is not necessarily what is best for us (maybe I should be talking to a psychiatrist about all this, and maybe he will tell me to write about it thus confirming my cruel joke theory).

Anyways. All I know is that way too often I have found myself feeling that the world decided that the year should have at least 6 months of April fool's celebration and the joke is on me.

I wonder if Murphy is available. These days, I could really use him as an ally, or a punching bag, either way it works for me.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Nothing often becomes something...

I am sitting in front of the screen trying to write something very ingenious and extremely profound and nothing comes to mind. I must be losing my touch (no, not that touch you dirty-minded-people). Either that or I am all of a sudden suffering from a serious case of nothingness. I wonder how long it will last.

As I let the minutes pass by and allow my mind to ramble, only two things come to me, love and death. What is it about those two things that obsess me? Is like the kisses and the sex, though I would gladly choose the sex over all. who wouldn't?

I thought of writing about my recent-almost-cinderella-like-experience, but there was no prince on that night that came to the ball and danced the night away with me, so there is really nothing to tell (except I feel I already said a lot).

I thought of writing about the complications of the male emotions (though they refuse to admit they have any, and some I almost believe), but for that I would have to spend too much time trying to understand them myself and it would take more that a few words to really explain it all (or maybe not).

I thought of writing about my irrational fear of death and pouring my heart out in an all too poetical way that would really reach out to my readers and allow them to feel the fear I describe. But the words elude me and my mind walks away from it all. Also my heart refuses to reach out to my emotions and tap into the feeling itself, so why bother or force it?

And then I thought of writing of nothing at all, but words, senseless and scrambled kept on coming to my head, refusing to stay trapped and forcing my fingers to exercise themselves (my mind couldn't force my fingers to exercise any other way?)

In the end, I am left wanting more, with a sense of unfinished business, tired fingers (and not in the way they should be tired) and over excited mind (that should be numb at this point) and a post about one too many things and nothing at all.

Something that was meant to be simple ends up being so complicated, much like life and love.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Life is not fair

So definite life plays jokes on us. This  is not fair. I know I said I would not write about it, but it is like a vortex that continues to pull me in. Have you ever had to work with that one person that is just a royal pain in the behind? Well I had to, for a number of years. This girl (though not really so young in age) I worked with made it her number one priority to make everyone else's life a living hell, in every sense of the word. I know most of you know who this person is. She would use everything in her power to have things go her way, even if it meant screwing over her "most beloved" (not sure if she ever had a true "beloved" other than herself). I mean, she would blackmail, threat, make up things, put people against people (I think that this sometimes was just for her pleasure and nothing more).
She made it her job to make a lot of people miserable and somehow, no matter how many complaints were lodged against her, she would come out clean and on top (we think it was the latter that guaranteed her a safe spot in the company). It was just amazing the things she managed to get away with and then how the ones above her would do nothing. At a point we started making up stories on the reasons why she was so protected. In our many imaginative trips we came up with
1.She was doing one of the big ones and was extremely good at it hence why she would never be fired in spite of breaking so many rules
2.She had been involved in an orgy with all the big bosses and had in her possession embarrassing pictures of them with which she blackmailed them
3. She knew deep dark secrets (involving sexual preferences) of some big ones, and would use that as a weapon
4.She had some weird ability to do the spread-eagle while on her stomach and have two guys do her at the same time....
I know... I know, the last one is a bit far fetched, but again, the things she got away with were amazing and then for the period of time she managed to do it, and seeing how the big ones would praise her at every opportunity they got, I mean, she must have been something. Oh yeah, I think I failed to mention that she had no idea how to run her department, almost buried them to the ground, caused them a huge amount of money, caused the company some law suits, almost cost them the loss of a few projects, and of course she could not tell her head from her ass, business wise that is.
But that is not really the reason why I say that life is not fair. After having seen her reign of terror for so long, we all harbored the hope that one day a brave one would come (or they would just tire of her stupidity) that would throw her out like the (beep) she is, but that didn't happen. Instead she decided to leave on her own, leaving all of us with the desire of, well, justice (she really made each and everyone of us wish we were some sort of vigilante, just so we could take care of her in the most twisted way our minds could come up with). But the worst part (yes, there is something even worse) is that she went (this I have from a sure source) to the competition where they just took her in, knowing her entire story and behaviour. I am beyond amazed. Not only at her audacity, but also at the blind stupidity of this other company. This person is nothing but trouble, has no people skills (whatsoever) and is a huge liability wherever she goes (unless she is given a job as a... I'm thinking of a job that requires no contact with people, animals, plants, or any living being or thing that requires even a minimum amount of attention or love to progress...difficult). I think by now you can tell I really don't like this person.
But again. The biggest problem is that Karma didn't really do her Job this time. I wonder if I can send Murphy her way or have cupid shoot him an arrow so he could fall for her (they would make a perfect couple). Maybe we all just have to be patient and Karma just didn't want us to be tainted by her blood when the guillotine came down on her neck (too much poison?)
Well, anyways, I promise I will try to stay away (as long as I don't get mad, disappointed, sad, baffled, angry beyond recognition...etc)

Friday, October 26, 2012

What I've learned

In my short lived life I have learned a great deal of things.

I have learned that being proud doesn't mean doing everything on my own.

I have learned that having high self esteem is not the same as being arrogant.

I have learned that allowing others in and allowing them to help doesn't mean I am weak.

I have learned that smiling every day is not equal to being happy.

I have learned that the one that has made me laugh the most is not the one that loves me the most and that the one that has made me cry the most is not the one that has hurt me the deepest.

I have learned that is not patience that we lack most of the time, that it is tolerance what we truly need.

I have learned that the "smartest people" are the ones that fall in love in the stupidest possible way.

I have learned that it is not about broadcasting love, but showing it.

I have learned that there are things that don't matter if you have no one to share them with.

I have learned that having a house is not enough if at the end of the day you come to it and it is empty.

I have learned that silence and loneliness don't go together.

I have learned that being accompanied by someone you can still be alone.

I have learned that even a superwoman cries and hurts

I have learned that strengh is not measured by the size of your biceps, but by the capacity of your heart.

I have learned that ignorance is not a social condition but rather a state of mind that many refuse to overcome.

I have learned that those who claim to know more know nothing about what truly matters.

I have learned that if we try to please everyone we end up disappointing ourselves.

I have leaned that those who claim to want world peace only want to be "accepted" by everyone, not realizing that it is impossible and fail miserably at it. There is no life without hate, no right without wrong, no happiness without sadness, so there will be no peace without wars, even if only internal wars. We will always have the good and the bad and all we can do is try to find a balance between both.

I have learned that a man who boasts about his "achievements" lacks self esteem, self respect and above all, they lack spiritual beauty.

I have learned that the world is round, not square; that life has color and colors have shades, so in the end it is all about perspective.

I have learned that to love I don't have to lose myself. That jealousy and manipulation are not gestures of unconditional love.

I have learned that happiness is a decision we have the power to make; that the realization of our dreams depends on our ability to hope, our desire to see the impossible come true, but most of all, our continued effort to see it through. No dream can come alive if we give up on the way.

But the one of the lessons that I have come to value the most is that happiness truly lies in the simple things life has to offer, that the unexpected is usually magical, and that anyone is capable of greatness, especially those who don't believe it themselves.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Simple complications.

Her: things are not that simple.
Him: how is this any complicated?

Her: There is a lot you don't know.

Him: Isn't that the whole point, getting to know them.

Her: Is not that simple.

Him: You've already said that.

Her: And I mean it.

Him: what are you not telling me?

Her: a lot

Him: like...

Her: I am single, not free.

Him: what does that mean?

Her: It means THIS cannot happen.

Him: are you tied down somehow?

Her: that is a way of putting it.

Him: I need more.

Her: I can't give you anymore.

Him: You intrigue me.

Her: why won't you just give up.

Him: because I know you are worth the fight.

Her: this is not a contest you can win.

Him: why?

Her: because I am not some sort of prize.

Him: but you are. You are THE prize, one I am willing to take any chances and go through any ordeal to win over.

Her: you are so obtuse. Is not that simple.

Him: make it simple then.

Her: No!

Him: oh! I see!

Her: what?

Him: you don't want to make it simple.

Her: nothing is what it seems.

Him: are you not you?

Her: I am not who you think I am.

Him: all I want to do is find out.

Her: no!

Him: I wont give up.

Her: I wish you would.

Him: why?

Her: why do you ask so many questions?

Him: because I am trying to understand you.

Her: don't

Him: I will leave you alone.

Her: thank you.

Him: for now.

Her: sigh! This is not going to be good. Considered yourself warned.

Him: I am good with challenges.

Her: are you good with pain.

Him: are you the one inflicting it?

Her: This is not a game!

Him: I know. And as I said, I am willing to take my chances.

Her: have it your way then.

Him: oh, I have every intention to have it my way.

2 am and HE calls me...

I wonder why is it that some people feel the need to send you a message or call you at 2:00 am. Really, most of us are sleeping at that time, and I am sure it can wait.
2:00am, phone beeps, new message received.
Him: I want to confess something to you.
Her: looking at the screen with one eye open and the other half closed straining to make sense out of what she is reading and thinking, "can't this wait until tomorrow morning at a freaking decent hour, let's say, 10:00 am?"
Him: Are you awake?
Her: thinking "why is it that they always have to ask the same stupid question? is 2:00 am in the morning!", but she decides to answer and give him a piece of her mind. (typing) No, I was just trying to see how the inside of my eyes looked when I heard a familiar sound coming from my cell phone. Tell me, what can I do for you at this God forsaken hour where the regular people sleep and you decide to text...ME?
Him: Oh, good, you're awake.
Her: blank faced staring at the screen.
Him: can I call you?
Her: can't this wait until tomorrow?
Him: no, not really.
Her: (sighs) sure, call me.
Evanescence song "call me when you're sober" sounds as a ring tone.
Her: How appropriate. Hey, what is wrong, is someone dying, hurt, in a coma or dead?
Him: no, why?
Her: because even in those situations I would be able to do nothing and it would not justify you calling at this time.
Him: oh! you were sleeping.
Her: forget it, why are you calling me.
Him: I want you.
Her: you have been drinking.
Him: Nooooo!!
Her: it wasn't a question.
Him: Oh!, maybe a little. How did you know?
Her: because if you were half sober you would know better than to come with that at this time and you would also realize that you will still want me by sunrise and allow me to continue sleeping.
Him: I want you now.
Her: and I want my bed, but it seems none of us are going to get what we want.
Him: Open the door.
Her: You are at my place?!
Him: yes, I told you I wanted you.
Her: did you fall and hit your head while drinking? You know better than to show up. And I will not open the door, sleep on the welcome mat if you want to.
Him: Open or I will make a scandal.
Her: raise your voice an inch and I will start yelling thief, let the neighbors punch you until you're sober again and then tell them I mistook you for a thief because it was so dark.
Him: you can't be that mean.
Her: try me.
Him: Come on, open up.
Her: let me explain something. This may have seemed romantic and all in your retarded mind, but I work over 10 hours a day and then come to my house to do chores, I am exhausted, and you have spent the day partying, I want to sleep, which by the way you have made it almost impossible by upsetting me.
Him: Let me in.
Her: Go away.
Him: if you let me in I will do The Thing.
Her: what?
Him: the Thing...
Her: you mean... the thing.
Him: yes, I mean... The Thing.
Her: you're not drunk.
Him: nope
Her: and you will do.... The thing if I open the door?
Him: yep
Her: but, is there enough time, you know what that causes. Do you work tomorrow?
Him: nope, took the day off, and worked until late today for the same reason.
Her: then why did you not say this sooner and allowed me to get mad.
Him: because you get feistier when you're angry. It makes... The thing... more intense.
Her: you bastard.
Him: Open the damn door and let me in.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I will admit, but I will not say...

I'll confess I want you. I will admit it to the world, I will work up my courage and just be true to myself, I want you.

I want your lips on mine, I want to feel your hands all over my body. I want to taste every inch of your being and I want you to taste me. I want to hear you say my name and I want you to make me beg for more. I want everything, I want it all, I want you.

I want to ride you until I tire and then ride you a little more. I want you to do unmentionable things to me, use your imagination, take me to the limits of earth itself and then, take me to heaven.

I want a night to remember, with you.

I want all that, and I will confess to it. But I will never tell you. This will be my secret, even if acknowledged, but still a secret.

Until you figure it out.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Monday, October 15, 2012

Halloween costumes... difficult choice for a girl now-a-days

Him: Ok, so really, what is so funny?

Her: huh? (trying to suppress a laugh and not looking at him in the eye)

Him: you, laughing, every time you see me.

Her: not every time.(still laughing)

Him: seriously?

Her: ok, ok...

Him: so?

Her: I'm just picturing you guys in your Halloween costume.

Him: oh! why would that be funny?

Her: seriously? do you not see it?

Him: what? it would be a classic costume.

Her: I'm sure it would. All you guys in tights! Are you all going to burst out signing the song and dancing to it? ♫we're men, we're men in tights♫

Him: Is that what you want to see?

Her: oh, i would love to see that?!

Him: ok, as long as you come dressed as cat woman.

Her: wait... what?

Him: you heard me.

Her: no way!

Him: too tight?

Her: amongst other things.

Him: well that is the price you have to pay.

Her: is there any room to bargain?

Him: what would you suggest?

Her: wearing a nun costume...

Him: that would be sinful, in oh so many ways...

Her: no comment. Let's see.. how about spongebob square pants.

Him: (just stares at her)

Her: ok... so...

Him: ok, let me give you some ideas of costumes that would look... good... on you...

Her: let's hear it.

Him: Poison Ivy.

Her: no

Him: Storm

Her: no

Him: Black Widow

Her: what is it with you and comic characters?

Him: they're sexy, I mean interesting.

Her: and the costumes are tight and leave very little to the imagination.

Him: au contraire mademoiselle, they leave A LOT to the imagination.

Her: mind coming back to the real world?

Him: ok.., so, what will it be?

Her: As much as I want to see you dancing can can, in green tights and a hat with a brown feather,
Him: fan of Robin Hood, are we?
Her:.. I am not sure I am willing to put on a slutty costume and pounce around for everyone to imagine lord knows what things.
Him: Just as an FYI, you can go wearing a sack for a dress and every man in the room will still imagine a lot of things.

Her: funny

Him: realistic, with that body and those face and that mouth..
Her: excuse me! I'm right here!
Him: I've noticed. Besides, have you noticed the lack of slutty Halloween costumes for women?
Her: yes, I have, which is the reason I was thinking of not going, until you said you would sing and dance.

Him: and drink tequila.

Her: oh God! Jose is going to be there?

Him: no, Patron.

Her: rats!
Him: tempted yet?
Her: very much.
Him: tempted enough to wear a cat woman suit.
Her: not that tempted.
Him: what if I add candy, chocolate?
Her: are you seducing me Mr. Robinson?
Him: what gave it away, the blinking eyes?
Her: no, for real now.
Him: who says I was joking?
Her: anyways..
Him: and here she goes ignoring me. Running suits you, maybe you should go as running man.
Her: not too fond of spandex.
Him: but WHY!!!
Her: I will figure something out.
Him: let me know if you need help. I will be more than glad to lend a helping hand and just sit there and watch while you try on costume after costume.
Her: you are sick!
Him: no, I just have a very vivid imagination.
Her: how is that any different than what I said?
Him: you would love a lot of the things I imagine.
Her: no comments.
Him: suit yourself.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

What would you do?

What would you do if you knew your time here on earth is limited, that the minutes are counted? What would you do if you knew the exact date you are going to die?
Would you be more kind? Would you be more tolerant? Would you try and do all those things you said you would but never really had the courage to? Would you finally tell that one person all you wanted to say?
Would you feel scared, dread? Or would you feel release, peace? How would you look at things? From a positive standpoint? Or would you wallow in self misery? Would you make the most out of what little time you have, or would you try desperately to speed it up so you could get it over with?
How would you choose to spend your last days on this planet?
I once met a man, a beautiful man, mind and soul. He was the type of person you could really talk to, a person who knew how to value friendship. We became friends, we became family. But he was ill. It was a terminal disease and we all knew it. The illness was caused, in part, by him. He was a smoker and cancer became his best friend. We pleaded for him to stop smoking, to at least buy him more time, but he refused. Looking back I realized that we didn't want more time for him, we wanted more time for us with him. Every time we would ask him why he continued to smoke he would reply "At least I know how and why I am going to die, what about you?"
He did know. He sped up time and left us here, missing him. He got it over with. In a way I think he gave up, not wanting to pretend he could avoid the inevitable, but that doesn't mean I agree with his decision.
I know we all have to die at some point, but if YOU knew, if you really KNEW, what would YOU do?

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Underneath the skin

When will it be enough? When will I be able to not feel so restless anymore and just breath? Why can't this ever go away?

I have done everything in my power to find peace, but it seems to elude me. I have engaged in every possible artistic way, in the hopes I could exorcise my soul and rid myself of this excess of sentiment that, at times it seems to almost consume me. It's such an irony in itself, and excess that consumes, that becomes a huge void. But is the only way I can explain it.

It's so big, so much bigger than what I am capable of controlling. Why would I be given so much to feel if it suffocates me? I have tried it all and nothing works, I can't find one peaceful moment, except...

Except for that moment. But I know that much as I wish, I can't always have it. I can't always rely on that moment to apace my apparent insatiable need for release; and how I need it. I need the silence, I need the nothingness. I need for my body to stop vibrating, I need for my brain to be quiet, I need to get it all out. But no matter what I do, how much I talk or write, it is still there, as if lurking in the dark, just waiting. Waiting for me to look the other way for just a fraction of a second and then it attacks. It attaches itself to my chest, my heart, my very soul and settles there.

If only I could cry, maybe it would be less oppressive. But even the tears have left me. I am alone with this, with all of this. If I scream? No, it would only give me momentary relief. It seems impossible, it seems I am meant to live with this all my life, or maybe...maybe, just that.

I hope one day I will find a way, one day I will learn, and that day, I will be free.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Predator eyes

At what moment does a look become more that seductive? At what point it bothers us? I know the answer to those two questions, because it has happened to me.

There is a look that feels uncomfortable, morbid. There is a different kind of intensity in the eyes of that person that is more than the innocent desire felt by most. Is the type of look that you feel in your body, as if   the hand of an unwanted lover touching you, groping you; making you so sick in the stomach that you feel like throwing up until there is nothing left.

I know that look…I spend days avoiding that person in the hopes that the look, along with the memory of it and the sensation as well, will go away. It's disgusting. But is not only the look, is the eyes themselves. Is almost as if there was nothing good in them, nothing honest or sensible about those eyes. That look is worse than that of a stalker, a sexual predator.

There are a few words that come to mind when remembering that look: depravity, assault, wretchedness, unnatural…

How does a person become like that? How are they able to inflict such sensations? Such fear?

It is beyond me, but all I know is I want those eyes, that look to go away.

Please make it go away.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012


Him: What has been the hardest thing you've ever had to do?

Her: say "no" to you and walk away.

Him: What has been the one thing that has hurt the most?

Her: Loosing you and never knowing if I would ever get you back.

Him: How did you ever recover?

Her: Who says I ever did.

Him: How did you ever make it so far?

Her: By pretending I didn't care, pretending it didn't matter.

Him: and now?

Her: now what?

Him: Does it still hurt?

Her: Everyday.

Him: You talk about it as if you weren't talking about yourself.

Her: In a way, I am talking about someone completely different from me.

Him: Why didn't you ever tell me?

Her: What was the point? you never saw me the same way I saw you. We wanted different things.

Him: You should have told me.

Her: would it have mattered?

Him: we had something special

Her: what we had was great sex.

Him: is that why you ignored me all that time.

Her: I had to protect myself somehow.

Him: Why did you call me?

Her: Because of the memories, those damn memories.

Him: tell me what you want me to do.

Her: nothing. I want you to do nothing.

Him: You called me.

Her: and that was too much. I should have known better.

Him: let me see you one more time.

Her: no, I'm weak when it comes to you.

Him: you have obviously grown strong. You are saying no to me, again.

Her: I have been practicing.

Him: let me see you.

Her: I can't.

Him: You won't.

Her: Yes.

Him: so?

Her: so nothing.

Him: I have to go.

Her: good. Go.

Him: that easy?

Her: With you? Never.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

When a song is more than enough

Is that moment when time is somehow suspended and all that is left is you and me, and that song..

Why was that song playing, out of the million songs out there you had to choose that one, and at that precise moment, while looking at me with those eyes.

Still today it makes my heart skip a beat every time a remember. Why that song?
You were standing there in the doorway and at that precise moment you just mouthed the lyrics but it carried all the intensity of your request. Two simple words that broke me like never before "please stay"

Why was that song playing? Why that song?

I should have left, but something in your eyes prevented me from doing so. Or maybe it was that song. Who knows, all I remember is me, you, and the song. That wretched song.

That day was the last day I heard the song. Until today that is. How ironic life is, today, out of all days, the song plays. Today that you are not here anymore. Today on the anniversary of our..of my...of your....

Today... The days we said goodbye.

I miss you.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Saturday, August 18, 2012

How Will I know?

There is danger in finding you. I know this and yet I keep on looking. I should stop. Turn away. But if I did, then would you find me? Would the universe conspire against me and send you to me?

There is danger in going down this path. I know this. as if there is some kind of gravitational pull that forces me to keep on walking this way.

I don't know you, but you keep on coming to me through visions, dreams, and in those dreams life happens. You happen, I happen. Then I wake up and you're gone, but the feeling of you remains. What am I to make of all this? Why do you keep hunting me if we are not meant to know each other? Or is it that we're not meant to know each other, yet?

If the answer to that last question is yes, then what is God waiting for to unite us? What set of unfortunate events do we have to go through to earn the right to make these dreams a reality?

Or maybe, just maybe... nah, it can't be. Or...Maybe we have already met, maybe we have known each other forever and in my need to find you, I haven't recognized you. Are you the same as in my dreams? Or do you come to me in disguise? If so, then How Will I know?

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Night, Tequila, Music...Frenzy

So young, so eager, so unaware of how cruel the world can be... and yet, so tempting, so mysterious...

"what on earth am I doing here" she kept on thinking as she walked into the nightclub. She knew he would be there. He, on the other hand, had no idea she was coming, she had promised nothing when he had asked her. She had spent two days denying the desire she had to be here, but the desire had been stronger in the end and here she was.

"If I turn around now, no one will notice" She had reached the entrance and was about to leave when he saw her. "too late"

He stood up and started walking directly towards her, his eyes first scanning her entire body and then locking on her eyes. she felt as if she had been stripped down by the way he had looked at her. There was hunger in his eyes, but there was also appreciation, for what he saw.

Instinctively she wraped her arms around her wait, as if to protect herself, and only realized what she had done when he reached her and asked in that mocking tone "cold?"

She looked down to her arms and saw, and felt, his hands brushing her shoulder and the length of her arm, until he reached her hands and undid her hold, only to keep one hand in his and without asking what she wanted to do, directed her towards the bar.

She followed him numbly, with his touch still lingering on her arms. Whether he had meant to or not, that simple touch had sent shivers down her spine and for a moment there, before they started walking, she almost lost her balance. She forgot why she wanted to leave and now could not find a reason not to stay.

When they reached the bar he came closer to her, and leaned so his mouth was close to her ear, too close, and in a bare whisper asked her what she wanted to drink. She could feel his breath on her ear and inmediately felt dizzy. "words, I have to speak; words" she kept on telling herself. He moved to look at her and with his gaze intently on hers, she forgot that she needed to talk, to say something. Her eyes moved to his mouth, that beautiful, pink, soft, delicious-looking mouth. Her lips parted just a tiny bit, as if waiting to receive him, as if wanting to have him. Her body kept on screaming what her mouth refused to say. He half smiled, satisfied with the effect he caused, noticeably.

He leaned even closer, barely an inch from her mouth, took in a breath. She closed her eyes, took in his smell, and as she felt his lips almost upon hers, she heard him say in a tantalizing voice: "drinks, what will you have?"

Abruptly she opened her eyes and took a step back. He was smiling openly. She then realized that he was teasing her and stuborn as she was she though "two can play this game", while putting herself together.

She managed to stabilize herself, stood to her entire height and said "tequila"

He looked surprised, though he already knew that was her favorite drink. He smiled once more and turned to the bar to order the drinks. He returned with two tequila shots in his hand, and the never forgotten companions, lime and salt.

Her eyes changed and he noticed. She had regained her composure, but there was more, she  now had a more sensous style, she even looked more seductive, if that was possible. She smiled at him and said "for us, for the unknown, and for what is yet to be seen". With that she took her shot and he took his.

The music that played, turned out to be a good ally to her and she would not waste such a good opportunity.

While moving to the dance floor she had already done a million calculations in her head, but she had forgotten that he too was a good player. A veteran at the game of seduction, so this would be a battle worth fighting. But who would win?

The rythym was slow, sexy, and she moved to the beat as if a mermaid dancing on water. Her hips moved from side to side, and with every movement all her God given curves were enhanced. He was almost in a hypnotic trance...almost. He took her by the arm and with her moved as if they were one. The dance became more than that. It was a silent seduction, where only hands and body were involved. They were close, very close, and the heat that emanated from them could almost be felt, but that was nothing compared to the sexual tension that they built.

The music kept on going, but they entered this semi-trance where there was nothing else, no one else, just them. Without knowing how or when, they left the club and ended up in his place. There was more music, there was more tequila and there was more dancing, only now there were less things in their way. Pieces of clothes stared coming off and slowly they moved towards the bedroom where they music took them to a frenzy that only found release when they did. Wild, hot and sweaty release...

The person within

I constantly feel like people miss understand me. I walk talk, so they say I'm a proud person. I am confident, they say I'm cocky. If I smile all the time, they say I'm flirting. If I don't smile, they say I'm mad.

I don't understand. The funny thing is that those are the only emotions they believe me to be capable of. What happens with sadness, concern, worry, melancholy, nostalgia, friendliness? What happens to just want to be reserved? Am I not capable of those? Am I partially human?

I don't even know why I bother. Or maybe I do. I hate being read wrong or being judged by those who don't know me, and won't take the time to.

I'm not proud, nor cocky. I'm cautious and sometimes I do get tongue tied. Yes, it does happen, my wit escapes me and my mouth becomes this numb thing incapable of uttering any proper words, these are the times I just say the wrong thing. Doesn't happen often, but it does happen.

I wish people would stop assuming I am something I'm not just because of how I look. Then again, I know I ask for the impossible, almost.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Friday, August 10, 2012

Dreamt Cruelty, Forgotten Delight

There are few things I remember clearly. Maybe the heavens don't want me to know, or maybe they like taunting me and playing with my mind. But I remember something.

I remember soft, tanned skin, smelling of man and whiskey. I remember hair as dark as night, trimmed recently, wet. I remember eyes as blue as the sky, kind, playful, intrieguing. I remember lips, sweet taunting lips, always smiling. I remember a voice, as melodic as a symphony.

But what I remember the most is that tattoo. Right shoulder blade, black and white. I regret that I cannot remember the shape, but I remember it was there.

I remember stading up to leave and you holding my hand to stop me, turning me around and then...nothing. I remember nothing more. How cruel of the gods to give me a glimpse and make me forget.

What a cruel and evil joke. But not all is lost, not everything is despair, for I remember you, even if I have never met you.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012


Moments, its all about moments. Love, life, happiness, delight, all of it, it all happens in a moment, just one brief, short, second, and in that second, magic.

It was there. I felt it, I lived it, I enjoyed it. It was all I ever wanted and everything I never imagined. I know you felt it too. I could tell by the look in your eyes, you knew this only comes along once in a lifetime. We were lucky love, we had it.

I will always be grateful for that. For having had the chance to be with you. Even if only once. I'm grateful. I experienced what most spend years, even lives, looking for, without really finding it. Only settling for the illusion of it. And me! Of all people, you chose me, and I chose you. We knew without really knowing, and we just gave into it.

I know we will never be together again. I know it can't be. But I regret nothing. I will forever be yours, even if only in the memory of that moment; that moment that is eternal to us.

This is the part where I could say "I love you" but I know better. So all I'm going to say is "to us"
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device


Memories are the trickiest thing ever. At least that is what I think right now. Too often our hearts, or maybe it's our brains, immortalize a moment in which we felt amazing, and our mind disposes of any possible memory that may taint it, leaving only that wonderful feeling of pure delight in which we relish once we remember.
It happens to all of us, even the best. It takes us by surprise, the image of those few seconds, or maybe more, crawl into our heads and shake us to the core. We are caught helpless and unprepared and we are forced to remember, in detail sometimes, that moment. Sometimes we even have a physical reaction to it; a smile, a shiver, we close our eyes, we sigh, we hold ourselves, our eyes wonder, and at times, we may even shed a tear.
Memories are tricky, they never announce themselves (how rude of them). They never give us a hint, a sign, they just take over and...yes...exactly that. We space out. Time becomes irrelevant, so does noise, people. We sense, we feel, we give in, to that memory, or should I be more specific and say, to the memory of that person, of that moment.
I confess, right now I am sitting here, thinking of you, thinking of that time, of the way you felt, the way you touched me, the way you kissed me, and the way I responded. It was so many years ago, yet I still remember it, vividly. I remember what you wore, I remember what I wore, how you smelled, how you tasted, what you said and how you said it; I remember your moans, your whispers, your eyes. I remember that fire, the passion. I remember the way you said my name... I remember it all, still...always.
I wonder if you too remember?
Do you?

Thursday, August 2, 2012

A long Lost Letter...

This came from the desk of my dearest friend, Nadeshko. Hope you enjoy it.

My dearest Peter:

How have I deeply missed you, I can no longer seem to remember when you were last here or when I last saw you, it is all slowly turning in to a blur, could we next time maybe stay for little longer?, it all feels as if I am gradually forgetting the details of our many adventures together, there have been times when I could not even seem to remember the way back to the trees, I worry this would be a growing condition, I keep mixing up or confusing the names of the lost boys, I regularly get glimpses of a memory, a memory I cannot seem to remember but one I cannot seem to forget either, they often come to me as the shapes in a shadow, or a slight smell, an unknown flavor, a gentle breeze, or a peculiar tick on a clock, I no longer have the time to stop and gaze up at the stars and remind myself you are out there, on the second star to the right and straight on till morning, I am having a hard time enjoying all those things that I used to love, things like Imagining, Playing, Singing, Dancing, Acting, Creating, Painting, Writing, Reading... Flying; I seem to have ran out of happy thoughts and  faerie dust and I can fly no longer, it all makes me feel so profoundly sad that I cannot find my way back to you;
Peter I'm afraid, I'm afraid I'll never see you again, I do not want to forget you, I do not want to lose you, I do not want to wake up one day to find out that it has all been nothing but just a silly dream and that i will never again  feel the freedom and the beauty of Neverland; please Peter come for me, come for me soon, before it is all too late, before I completely forget; before I finally realize I have already grown up.

Sincerely and forever yours:

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Almost like a song

2 am and she calls me cause I'm still awake, can you help me unravel my latest mistake I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season.
That line seems so familiar. I have awaken several times to a phrase similar to this, sometimes the message comes from my head, screams so loud that it awakens me in the middle of the night. I have gone through many lovers, I have spent many seasons with them. With some more that with others. But unlike the song, I have learned that I have loved them all, in my own way. I have given each of them a piece of me, and to a very few I have allowed access to this twisted world I call my life. I wish they knew that I have loved them. I could tell them, but would they even believe me?
Sometimes I feel I have really become the widow, but instead of taking their lives, I take something else, a part of them, or is it that they give it to me? If this last statement is true, why would the do that? why would they risk loosing themselves to me? I have often wondered how or why they choose me? Don't they know? can't they see that all they will gain is pain?
Sigh! I think of them and I hurt. I feel I never gave them what they deserved. And then I think again and I remember. I have often said that we are a result of what happens to us, and even though it is true that we choose who we become, it is also true that the events that occur around us, shape our personality, who we will be, no matter how hard you try, sometimes you can't escape your destiny, or your true self.
It is true that I have been loved, maybe in a way most women dream of being loved, especially by my Fallen one. But it is also a reality that I have loved and my love has been tainted by pain, deception, cruelty, unfaithfulness, mockery and worst of all, by being cast to oblivion. I don't resent the ones that are to blame for this, not anymore. But I am not going to deny that it has scared me, and it is taking a lot for me to recover. I know I need to move on, keep walking. I know I can't stay in one place and settle. It is not enough. I need to figure this out and breathe clean air once more. I know this and I am trying. But it seems that in the meantime I am lost. I don't know what I am doing or where I am going, but I need to go on, where ever this leads me.
One day...One day I will figure it out. I just hope that one day is not too late.

A man and his thoughts

I see a man sitting on the ledge of a window. He has an excellent view of the city he lives in. He can see the many buildings surrounding his house, standing in their magnificent Victorian style. He can appreciate their architecture and the effort put by those who built them in making them beautiful.
He can see the sun descending from the sky, sinking into the west and giving way to dusk. He can feel the cool breeze caressing his face, striving to take all his concerns away. He can hear as down below in the streets, the noises of the everyday traffic start to dim.
He can see and feel and hear all this, while sitting there on the ledge. But he sees nothing of it, is as if his eyes were blind to anything but the image of her. As if his ears where deaf to anything but the memory of the sound of her voice, and is almost as if his senses captured nothing but the faint smell of her skin, left on the sheets of the bed when she was here.

He is oblivious to the beauty around him, to the buildings, the sun, the breeze, the warmth. Nothing matters but her, her touch as warm as a summers breeze; her kisses, passionate as the strength of a tornado; her smell as sweet as the first flowers bloom of spring; the sound of her voice calling out his name in ecstasy, as melodic and enthralling as the sound of a thousand bird songs all combined to form a symphony of pure delight.

She is the one thing that occupies his mind, that fills it completely, almost becoming an obsessive thought.

It was only a day. He had her for only a moment, but in that moment he loved more that in an entire lifetime. In that moment he discovered the truth about complete surrender. In that instant that she was his, he understood the meaning of life for a man. He realized that no matter how much you do, how far you go, how long you live, the reason for a man's life, the ultimate goal for them is but to be with that One woman that will unquestionably fill their mind, body and soul for the rest of time.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

I Believe... For my Knight in Rotten Armor.

I believe in destiny. I do. I believe in letting destiny take it's course, in allowing the universe to come to terms with the energy of life and present you with certain situations. I believe in people. I believe in the good in them and in allowing them to learn each lesson in their own time and in their own way. I believe in life, in the magic around it and in the good and the bad that comes with it.

I also believe that there are times when we have to take things into our own hands and force certain events to occur. We have to set things in motion, so other things can happen. It can be something subtle, like a call, a look, a touch. Or it can be something drastic, like a planned meeting.

I believe that in certain moments, some people have to be forced to see the reality of things and act. I believe in taking action in the process of the punishment the universe has in place for those who deny assistance and help to the ones that ask for it. Even more so than the ones that needed. This may seem weird, but the reason is that it takes courage to ask for help, whereas the ones that need it and never say anything can go unnoticed.

I believe that in your case, I should act, I should participate, I should take matters in to hand, and aid the universe in the planning and carrying out of your punishment, for so bluntly refusing to help one of the people dearest to me. You knew and you had the means, yet you refused. You may have not said no directly, but you withheld vital information, and for that I believe you should be severely damaged. Maybe you didn't consider it vital, but it was a life and death situation and you held back. I should act. I should set things in motion. But what is the point. I will be content in knowing that this post will find it's way to you and you will know that I know, and the guilt will hurt you deeper than any action I could take. Remorse will be your best friend, and pain will be your companion, for knowing that when you were needed, you refused.

This will be my punishment for you, and I know the universe and probably the people around you will aid me in this.

Until another time.

To you my Knight in Rotten Armor.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

The story of our life

When I was young I met a wonderful boy. He was a bit shy when around new people, but I soon realized he was just observant. We became good friends since we had so much in common. As we grew up our friendship became stronger and at a point we were like family. We would do almost everything together, hang out every day, we would even finish each other sentences. we became so in tune with each other that it seemed as if we lived in our own universe, one that no one else could belong to. We created our own little bubble in which we existed. Then, like always puberty hit and with it our interest in other boys and girls. We started dating but still kept that special link between us. It would make our respective boyfriends/girlfriends so jealous. They would always say that we were the ones that looked like a couple. We didn't see it. Our close friends would joke about it, but in time they just gave it up and got used to it. We didn' care.

We got older and that age when society demands for you to settle down and start a family, but we seemed incapable of doing such a thing. We could never find a person that would stay long enough or that would try to get to know us. Or maybe we just wanted to find what we had created for ourselves outside of our friendship. We saw many heartbreaks. Our partners would continue to change, but we were constant through it. One crazy night, under the effect of the ever deceiving alcohol we dared say that which we had manage to hide from each other for so long. It started as a joke "you and I would be the perfect couple" he said. "why" I asked. "because we understand each other, because we can be silly around each other, and because we don't pretend" he said.

I laughed, but something inside of me recognized this as a reality, as a blunt truth. Somehow, at some point he kissed me, and I kissed him back. And as the kiss deepened my body started responding to him like it had never done to anyone else. Almost as if my body knew something I had forgotten. It seemed his body understood mine as well, for he kept getting closer until there was no more space between us. I could feel his heart beating faster and faster, getting confused with my own. His breath on my face, on my neck, on every part of my body. My hands reached for his hair, they knew the way through his body, is as if they were on familiar territory. I don't need to go on. It happened and for a moment we flew together. Then morning came and realization of what had happened hit us. fear engulfed us and we built walls around us to try and protect what we had. We pretended that nothing happened. Pretended to go on as usual. We avoided each other for a long time, thinking that it would help us preserve what we had. We were wrong. We didn't realize that by avoiding each other, by pretending that what we felt didn't exist, we created an abyss so deep we could not see the bottom of it, so wide that it no bridge could be built around it. We pretended, and we moved on.

Finally we got married with other people and we talked less and less to each other until we didn't talk anymore. Years after, so many years after I fell sick. It wasn't one of those diseases you could heal with medication, this one seemed to resist all attempts at cure. Somehow he found out about it and out of nowhere he came back. Many years had passed and it showed in our faces and bodies. Yet he still retained some of that spark from when we were young. I had been weakened by the disease but I could see something in his eyes, something different. He took my hand and smiled at me. I smiled back without knowing why, but I smiled. I felt my entire body light up.

He told me how his marriage hadn't worked and how through the years he had somehow kept tabs on me. He knew about my divorce years back, how I had gracefully recovered from it only to be hit by this incurable disease. He told me how for many months he had prayed that I would recover so he could come to me and say that he had loved me for ever, and that he had been too blind and too much of a coward to see it, and then he had been to weak, he had let me go and not come after me. That it had been the biggest mistake of his life.

I was at a loss for words. Even after hearing him say it I couldn't believe it. He must have noticed for he said it again, and again while lowering his face to mine and kissing me. I felt a surge of energy run through my body, answer to him. I felt my face getting wet and when he pulled back I could not tell if the tears were coming from his eyes or mine. I managed to say it. I managed to tell him I loved him. And as I did I could feel my as my life's energy diminished. I smiled at him, and he kissed me. As he looked at me with all the love of so many years and so many lives ago, I gave him my last breath with an "I love you, for always"

Bitter farewell

Him: are you saying what I think you are saying?

Her: it's over.

Him: yeah, I thought I heard that.

Her: don't be like that.

Him: like what?

Her: sarcastic.

Him: oh, ok. Let me put on my happy face and pretend this is all just fun and cheery and happy and pretend I didn't just feel the air being punched out of mu lungs or that the earth just broke under me.

Her: you knew this was coming.

Him: the same way you know a tornado is forming.

Her: I'm sorry.

Him: no you're not. At least have the decendy to admit it.

Her: is not you...

Him: don't even finish that cliche phrase and of course is me. Is me you're breaking up with.

Her: I have to keep on moving.

Him: as long as it takes you away from me.

Her: stop it!

Him: just go!

Her: will you be ok?

Him: what do you care, you're tossing me aside like I am some piece of old rag.

Her: you're angry.

Him: no! can't you see me smiling and jumping up and down from the joy of you leaving me after all this time?

Her: I deserve this.

Him: no, the things you deserve are not even written. But I wont do this anymore. Leave, leave me to lick my wounds. And by the way, say hi to him for me.

Her: (wide eyed) say hi...?

Him: please don't pretend. I am not that stupid. I know you have been seeing someone  else for a while. I just hoped we could grow through this. You made a promise to me. I hoped you owuld honor it.

Her: I didn't mean to

Him: I am sure!

Her: I do love you.

Him: you just love him more. Why are you still here?

Her: I don't know.

Him: go away. There is nothing more for you to say to me or for me to do. I have given you everything I have and then more. You cannot take anything else from me. You already took the last of what I had left and tossed it away.

Her: bye.
Best friend: Hey, where you calling me?

Him: not over the phone.

Best friend: she left didn't she?

Him: it shows?

Best friend: beer, food, ramdom songs or sitting in silence.

Him: Movie?

Best friend: guns?

Him: X-box?

Best friend: and beer

Him: agreed.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

A night out of a movie.

When I went to the party I never thought the event would turn as they did. I went early because I wanted to have a good time. Little did I know that later he would show up...

There was nothing different about this party, there was good music, good dancers. I danced, careless of anything else. I knew someone was waiting for me at home, and some part of me looked forward to it, though another part of me secretly wished for other excitements. I reproached myself for having such thoughts, but I have learned that some things cannot be ignored and somehow the universe always conspires to give you that which you want, if you really want it.

It was past midnight when he showed up. My body felt him immediately. I hadn't seen him yet, but my body tensed, sensing something exciting, something familiar, something I wanted and desired was close. And then, the crowd cleared and I saw him looking at me. It seemed like a scene taken out of a movie. He looked so handsome. I felt as if the air in my system left me and had to remind myself that I needed to continue breathing. It didn't happen like that, but to me everything was is slow motion.His gaze was intent, and then he smiled, he smiled at me. I must have seemed like a teenager; I could feel my cheeks turning red and burning hot. It was as if time had done nothing but justice to him. To his perfectly sculpted body, to that dark hair, those soft lips, and those penetrating eyes. His eyes; I felt hypnotized. Without noticing it or even knowing how or when I found myself walking toward him and him walking toward me. In an instant we were facing each other, we were supposed to say something. courtesy and manners were expected, but we said nothing, we just stared at each other and we held an entire conversation without uttering a word. In his eyes I could see the same desire as I had. His hand moved to grab mine. It felt right, felt as if it belonged there and ached for morel, my entire body ached for more. There was music playing in the background, but to me it was blurred. He pulled me closer to him until I could feel the warmth of his chest and smell him. He smelt wonderful, he smelled of man.We started, somehow, moving to the rhythm of the music. I can't tell if it was the one playing or the rhythm of our bodies, though I guess it wasn't the latter because otherwise we would have not ended up with clothes on.

Everything was magical, it was different. Some small part of me reminded me that someone else was waiting for me, but I did not care, in that moment I had what I had longed for so long and I could feel his pulse increasing. Slightly he pushed me apart and my head started feeling dizzier as he lowered his head to kiss me.
Oh God! in the moment I felt the world disappear. Nothing else existed, nothing mattered. His lips felt like wonderland, I wanted more, I wanted it all. As if understanding my silent plea, he pushed me apart and still holding my eyes he took me by the hand and  walked me out of the bar. No one said anything, no one called or cared. A dim and distant voice in my head tried to remind me that there was someone still waiting for me, but It was too frail to get the message across. We went to his car, he opened the door and closed it after I was in. He climbed onto the drivers seat and started the engine. He looked at me as if asking where to, but the answer was as clear to him as it was to me. He drove and with his freehand kept mine in his, kissing it all the while.

We reached his house; my nerves were at breaking point. He opened the door for me, took me again by the hand and lead the way. Into the door, up the stairs and into his room. I remember nothing of the house, at least not that night. I was too mesmerized by him, almost as if under some sort of spell, but if that was so then we were both under it.

Once in his room he turned to me and just stood there for a moment. In his eyes I could see him asking for permission, as if he was afraid we were moving too fast. In that second he broke down the remaining of whatever defense I might have had. I took a step forward and kissed him. It was a soft kiss, at the beginning, bu then it turned wild, hungry. Years of wanting, of holding back, of raw desire and lust denied found their way through our skin, our hands, our lips. He must have taken my clothes off because I don't remember ever doing it. Everything happened in a sort of blissful dizzy haze. He was naked in front of me, standing like the reincarnation of The David. He must have noticed that I was feeling a bit insecure, because he looked at me and said "you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen". He knew how to undo me, that was it. We stumbled on the bed and he made me his over and over again until I saw heaven along with all the angels, I heard bells, head the trumpets of triumph. I don't know how long we were in his house, all I know is I woke up in his arms, in a tight embrace and he was looking at me with a satisfied smile in his face. I guess I must have had the same expression as his smile broadened when I opened my eyes. The sun was filtering through the windows. I wanted to ask the time but I didn't care. All I cared was that the night had been perfect and the way he was looking at me, the day promised to be even more wonderful.