Monday, December 31, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Her: Loving a person who loves someone else.
Him: It's not easy.
Her: could you not love her?
Him: can you live without breathing?
Her: you deserve more
Him: she is what I want
Her: But she wants someone else.
Him: she does.
Her: have you told her?
Him: She knows.
Him: sometimes, to express a feeling the last thing you need is words.
Her: I'm sorry
Him: for what?
Her: you can't have her
Him: I do, in her own way she belongs only to me and in my own way I belong only to her.
Her: Is that enough though.
Him: it has to be.
Her: but it isn't.
Him: maybe in another time, another life, it will be our turn. But in this one, her heart is someone else's.
Her: lucky him, right?
Him: indeed. I just hope he knows how to treasure it.
Her: I hope so too.
Him: he really is a lucky guy to have you all to himself.
Her: you can't help who you love, right?
Him: you could, but eventually you will hate yourself for not choosing the person you fell for initially, you would forever consider yourself a coward.
Her: you know our story, I don't want to go through that again.
Him: you deserve to be happy
Her: so do you.
Him: you can't help whom you love, right?
Her: using my words against me?
Her: I have to go
Him: so soon?
Him: he's waiting for you, right?
Him: he really is one lucky man.
Her: good night.
Him: until later.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Friday, December 7, 2012
To throw and example out there (and one of my long time favorites) P.S. I love you. They meet, they fall in love, they are meant for each other, he dies, she lives, she has to move on (in synthesis). I believe that life is a lot like this. You find that one person that you feel is meant for you, everything clicks, you feel the universe and God conspire with you so that everything is perfect; and when you finally think that nothing can go wrong, life takes a turn, surprises you, takes you from behind, and it all falls apart. Leaving you to try and sort out the pieces (if you come out of it alive) and needing to start all over again.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Best friend: aren't you cheerie today. What is wrong?
Her: oh nothing, just that I hate wasting my time.
Best friend: date last night?
Best friend: that bad?
Her: Worst ever!
Best friend: but what happened, haven't you been seeing this guy for a while now?
Her: yes! and he is great company. We can talk about anything, and we have a really good time together, lots of things in common.
Best friend: so? I don't get it.
Her: we are not compatible in everything.
Best friend: Oh! he is bad?
Her: not as bad as disappointing.
Best friend: you're losing me here.
Her: he fell asleep.
Best friend: that is not so bad.
Her: while down there!
Best friend: Oh! umm, maybe he was tired.. Maybe he had a lot of work.
Her: he is on vacations
Best friend: maybe he ran a lot of errands.
Her: according to him he did nothing the entire day since he was waiting for night to come and the date.
Best friend: ummm, maybe he just needed a power nap before everything went better.
Her: I thought the same thing. And that is why we went out last night, to try again.
Best friend: you mean this is not the first time?
Best friend: and he has fallen asleep while doing the same thing?
Her: oh no! before he fell asleep while I was doing it to him!
Best friend: maybe he just doesn't like that part of the act?
Her: aja! he also fell asleep while I was on top.
Best friend: ok, he has a problem.
Her: you think!
Best friend: have you ever completed anything?
Her: well, we have only tried those three times. I am kind of getting frustrated here.
Best friend: I can see that. Have you told him?
Her: I did.
Best friend: and?
Her: he said I was overreacting and that he is perfectly fine. That I was blowing things out of proportion. He basically said I was acting like a drama queen.
Best friend: so what are you going to do?
Her: I think I will try something different this time.
Best friend: uh-oh
Her: Well he called me a drama queen.
Best friend: well you kind of are.
Her: he has no idea.
Best friend: you look better today. Were you finally able to finish?
Best friend: don't tell me it happened again?
Her: yes it did.
Best friend: and? what did you do.
Her: well, I was so upset yesterday that I decided to try something different. It tried talking to him again, but the guy went crazy and called me all sort of things. You can only imagine how upset I got. But rather than getting angry, I decided to get even.
Best friend: I'm scared.
Her: well, I just did some research.
Best friend: what type of research?
Her: well, he has a history of exes, and to my fortune and his misfortune, he keeps a little black book with their names and numbers. So i decided to call them up and pose as a journalist doing a piece on men with certain illness that prevents them from preforming properly in bed.
Best friend: you what?! and they believed you?!
Her: you know I can be very convincing.
Best friend: I have no doubt. And he didn't notice you took the book?
Her: I took advantage of the one of the times he passed out on me and took pictures of the little notebook, he always keeps it with him, that way I had the info in my phone.
Best friend: detectives should be scared of you.
Her: anyways. I called them up and asked them if they minded being interviewed and recorded.
Best friend: and they said yes?
Best friend: how many of them?
Her: about 7.
Best friend: Oh my God!
Her: well, when I started interviewing them, and they started talking, I realized how upset and resentful they were at this guy, and that he made all of them feel as if it was their fault that he continued to fall asleep. Obviously at the beginning non of them were aware that I knew the guy as the I set them up on different days.
Best friend: aja.
Her: but when I realized that they were so resentful I decided to come clean and tell them the real reason behind the interviews. So I gathered all of them together and decided to do a bashing session, obviously, recorded.
Best friend: what were you going to gain out of this?
Her: well, revenge, what else? not just for me, but for them as well.
Best friend: poor guy.
Her: he had it coming. After the session, I called him up and told him I was feeling kinky and I wanted to do a threesome and have the whole thing recorded.
Best friend: wait, what?!
Her: He upset me.
Best friend: apparently he raised hell on himself and didn't even notice.
Her: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" Isn't that how the saying goes?
Best friend: geez! so what happened next?
Her: well, I hired a professional actress who had no problem in appearing half naked on camera.
Best: friend: you went all out! how much did this guy upset you?
Her: enough. So I bought sexy clothes and lingerie and got all dressed up. I rented a hotel room and told him that I wanted to make it special as it was a fantasy of mine. When he got there, me and the other girl were already there and I told him I just wanted to watch first and record the two of them. He went for it. This girl didn't even have to take off much, she got to take her top off and he fell asleep while she was kissing him! I am telling you this guy is amazing! So I recorded the entire thing and went home to edit it.
Best friend: why did you have to edit it?
Her: well, i kind of took pity on him and wanted to give him a last chance to get help, so I edited the video with the statements of all the other girls, I blurred their faces and changed the voices, for some confidentiality, and as a finale I put in the part in the hotel, with the other girl's face blurred out as well. I called him up and told him what had happened, again he said all sort of things, and I told him it was over. Then I sent him the video and told him if he didn't get any help I would post the thing in youtube.
Best friend: what did he do? Did he get any help? Did he call you back?
Her: he did call me back...
Best friend: and?
Her: the video has now over 12 million views. All the other girls and I shared the link to everyone we know.
Best friend: that was evil!
Her: no, it was payback!
Thursday, November 29, 2012
If I told you my deepest, darkest secrets, would you stay? If I were to bare my soul to you and show you all the skeletons I keep locked up in my closet, would you love me the same?
I am not the person you think I am, I am not just smiles and happy thoughts. There is so much more to me, so many things you don't know, so many shades of color, so many curves and twists. But I am afraid, afraid that if you get to see me for who I really am, you will run, and I would let you.
There are reasons I hide behind my smile, there are reasons I turn the tables on everyone so everything becomes about them and never about me. I have learned and mastered the art of manipulation and I have built up walls so high it becomes almost impossible for anyone to break through them. There is really only one reason, but that one reason is enough. I would say is THE reason why people behave the way the do all the time. Fear of getting hurt.
Yes, I know, "there is no gain without pain", "you will never really experience anything if you don't give yourself the chance to do it", "You need to allow yourself to feel in order to live". I have heard all the phrases, I have read all the books and I have tried every method. How do you overcome pain when you have been exposed to it for so long? How do you take a chance when all you've learned is to guard yourself? It is not an excuse, but maybe is a way to understanding me a bit more.
Life is not easy, mine is no exception. But my doubt remains. If you knew me, really knew me, would things still be the same?
Could I take the risk of ever telling you?
Thursday, November 15, 2012
He looks my way, but is as if he can't see me. I want to reach out, touch him, but I can't. He looks so torn, his expression is that of pain, but not physical, is something more, something that runs deeper.
I recognize him now, he's an old friend, but this is not right, it can't be. I remember him strong, always smiling, I remember him happy. He is as beautiful now as he was then, but his eyes, his eyes have changed so much. What has happened to him, where has the life in him gone?
He stands up and walks to the window in the room, he walks past me. Why can't he see me? I try to speak but my voice fails me, I feel like some kind of ghost, there, but invisible, unable to talk or move. He is looking outside, just staring at the sunset in the horizon. It is so beautiful, the oranges and reds and yellows, the few remaining rays of light casting shadows in the room and around this man. He looks somber, but beautiful as if he came out of a Rafael painting. The entire scene is so sublime.
I hear him exhale deeply, a tired sigh and I can feel his pain. He turns and I think he sees me, I think he is looking at me. I gaze into his eyes and I can read the unspoken question in them "why?" I try to move towards him and as I do he fades away, the room fades away, everything turns dark. Where am I? What has happened to me? What has happened to him? And in that moment all I can think of is answering his question with the only answer I can probably give him "I'm sorry"
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
So many things can happen, you can become anyone, do anything you like, let your imagination fly and just become. Behind closed doors you can let go of all the complications of everyday life, you can undo yourself, and in the process you can undo me. Yes, this is an invitation.
Images, millions of them come to my mind. Some of them a bit innocent and sweet; others dark, twisted, sexy and lustful.
Bed ties, handcuffs, handkerchiefs, feathers, hands, hair, moans...my darker side calls to me, loud and clear, whispering things to my ear, things that make my insides burn just by thinking of them.
Oh how I want you! How I want you to want me, how I want you to do things to me, unmentionable things, but still, things.
My heart rate becomes faster as I imagine you undressing me, slowly, taking your time. I can picture you kissing me, running your hands, your lips through my body. Ah! It's too much, my desire for you grows. I want you, and I want you behind closed doors, because I know there you will have your way with me, and I will have my way with you. I will be able to let my true self come out, no restrains, no masks, no shame, no hiding.
Come with me, let me lose myself in you, leave everything outside and close the door behind you, for tonight, I'm yours and anything can happen behind these closed doors.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
We spend years looking for something and never really finding it, or finding it halfway, and then, when we are resigned and settle for accepting whatever we may have, the thing we want the most tends to just show up in our doorstep; uninvited, un-allowed, tempting us beyond out known limits. Cruel joke of life, horrible play by the ever conspiring universe.
Maybe it happens so we can overcome our weaknesses, so we can stay strong in our choices and be proud of standing our ground, thus becoming worthy of a better everything.
Yes, it sounded like a lot of B, to me too. I stick to the cruel ways of the one above.
Maybe we are really just pieces of a chess board and this is all a huge game, in which we DO NOT win.
Why do these things come to us when we apparently don't need then anymore, yet still want them with every fiber of our bodies? What are we supposed to do with them? Say no, thank you, I already have my worst-is-nothing-sort-of-thing-going-on? Is it that we are supposed to realize that what we have is precisely what we need, and what we want is not necessarily what is best for us (maybe I should be talking to a psychiatrist about all this, and maybe he will tell me to write about it thus confirming my cruel joke theory).
Anyways. All I know is that way too often I have found myself feeling that the world decided that the year should have at least 6 months of April fool's celebration and the joke is on me.
I wonder if Murphy is available. These days, I could really use him as an ally, or a punching bag, either way it works for me.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Sunday, November 4, 2012
As I let the minutes pass by and allow my mind to ramble, only two things come to me, love and death. What is it about those two things that obsess me? Is like the kisses and the sex, though I would gladly choose the sex over all. who wouldn't?
I thought of writing about my recent-almost-cinderella-like-experience, but there was no prince on that night that came to the ball and danced the night away with me, so there is really nothing to tell (except I feel I already said a lot).
I thought of writing about the complications of the male emotions (though they refuse to admit they have any, and some I almost believe), but for that I would have to spend too much time trying to understand them myself and it would take more that a few words to really explain it all (or maybe not).
I thought of writing about my irrational fear of death and pouring my heart out in an all too poetical way that would really reach out to my readers and allow them to feel the fear I describe. But the words elude me and my mind walks away from it all. Also my heart refuses to reach out to my emotions and tap into the feeling itself, so why bother or force it?
And then I thought of writing of nothing at all, but words, senseless and scrambled kept on coming to my head, refusing to stay trapped and forcing my fingers to exercise themselves (my mind couldn't force my fingers to exercise any other way?)
In the end, I am left wanting more, with a sense of unfinished business, tired fingers (and not in the way they should be tired) and over excited mind (that should be numb at this point) and a post about one too many things and nothing at all.
Something that was meant to be simple ends up being so complicated, much like life and love.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
I have learned that having high self esteem is not the same as being arrogant.
I have learned that allowing others in and allowing them to help doesn't mean I am weak.
I have learned that smiling every day is not equal to being happy.
I have learned that the one that has made me laugh the most is not the one that loves me the most and that the one that has made me cry the most is not the one that has hurt me the deepest.
I have learned that is not patience that we lack most of the time, that it is tolerance what we truly need.
I have learned that the "smartest people" are the ones that fall in love in the stupidest possible way.
I have learned that it is not about broadcasting love, but showing it.
I have learned that there are things that don't matter if you have no one to share them with.
I have learned that having a house is not enough if at the end of the day you come to it and it is empty.
I have learned that silence and loneliness don't go together.
I have learned that being accompanied by someone you can still be alone.
I have learned that even a superwoman cries and hurts
I have learned that strengh is not measured by the size of your biceps, but by the capacity of your heart.
I have learned that ignorance is not a social condition but rather a state of mind that many refuse to overcome.
I have learned that those who claim to know more know nothing about what truly matters.
I have learned that if we try to please everyone we end up disappointing ourselves.
I have leaned that those who claim to want world peace only want to be "accepted" by everyone, not realizing that it is impossible and fail miserably at it. There is no life without hate, no right without wrong, no happiness without sadness, so there will be no peace without wars, even if only internal wars. We will always have the good and the bad and all we can do is try to find a balance between both.
I have learned that a man who boasts about his "achievements" lacks self esteem, self respect and above all, they lack spiritual beauty.
I have learned that the world is round, not square; that life has color and colors have shades, so in the end it is all about perspective.
I have learned that to love I don't have to lose myself. That jealousy and manipulation are not gestures of unconditional love.
I have learned that happiness is a decision we have the power to make; that the realization of our dreams depends on our ability to hope, our desire to see the impossible come true, but most of all, our continued effort to see it through. No dream can come alive if we give up on the way.
But the one of the lessons that I have come to value the most is that happiness truly lies in the simple things life has to offer, that the unexpected is usually magical, and that anyone is capable of greatness, especially those who don't believe it themselves.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Her: There is a lot you don't know.
Him: Isn't that the whole point, getting to know them.
Her: Is not that simple.
Him: You've already said that.
Her: And I mean it.
Him: what are you not telling me?
Her: a lot
Her: I am single, not free.
Him: what does that mean?
Her: It means THIS cannot happen.
Him: are you tied down somehow?
Her: that is a way of putting it.
Him: I need more.
Her: I can't give you anymore.
Him: You intrigue me.
Her: why won't you just give up.
Him: because I know you are worth the fight.
Her: this is not a contest you can win.
Her: because I am not some sort of prize.
Him: but you are. You are THE prize, one I am willing to take any chances and go through any ordeal to win over.
Her: you are so obtuse. Is not that simple.
Him: make it simple then.
Him: oh! I see!
Him: you don't want to make it simple.
Her: nothing is what it seems.
Him: are you not you?
Her: I am not who you think I am.
Him: all I want to do is find out.
Him: I wont give up.
Her: I wish you would.
Her: why do you ask so many questions?
Him: because I am trying to understand you.
Him: I will leave you alone.
Her: thank you.
Him: for now.
Her: sigh! This is not going to be good. Considered yourself warned.
Him: I am good with challenges.
Her: are you good with pain.
Him: are you the one inflicting it?
Her: This is not a game!
Him: I know. And as I said, I am willing to take my chances.
Her: have it your way then.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
I want your lips on mine, I want to feel your hands all over my body. I want to taste every inch of your being and I want you to taste me. I want to hear you say my name and I want you to make me beg for more. I want everything, I want it all, I want you.
I want to ride you until I tire and then ride you a little more. I want you to do unmentionable things to me, use your imagination, take me to the limits of earth itself and then, take me to heaven.
I want a night to remember, with you.
I want all that, and I will confess to it. But I will never tell you. This will be my secret, even if acknowledged, but still a secret.
Until you figure it out.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Monday, October 15, 2012
Him: Ok, so really, what is so funny?
Her: huh? (trying to suppress a laugh and not looking at him in the eye)
Him: you, laughing, every time you see me.
Her: not every time.(still laughing)
Her: ok, ok...
Her: I'm just picturing you guys in your Halloween costume.
Him: oh! why would that be funny?
Her: seriously? do you not see it?
Him: what? it would be a classic costume.
Her: I'm sure it would. All you guys in tights! Are you all going to burst out signing the song and dancing to it? ♫we're men, we're men in tights♫
Him: Is that what you want to see?
Her: oh, i would love to see that?!
Him: ok, as long as you come dressed as cat woman.
Her: wait... what?
Him: you heard me.
Her: no way!
Him: too tight?
Her: amongst other things.
Him: well that is the price you have to pay.
Her: is there any room to bargain?
Him: what would you suggest?
Her: wearing a nun costume...
Him: that would be sinful, in oh so many ways...
Her: no comment. Let's see.. how about spongebob square pants.
Him: (just stares at her)
Her: ok... so...
Him: ok, let me give you some ideas of costumes that would look... good... on you...
Her: let's hear it.
Him: Poison Ivy.
Him: Black Widow
Her: what is it with you and comic characters?
Him: they're sexy, I mean interesting.
Her: and the costumes are tight and leave very little to the imagination.
Him: au contraire mademoiselle, they leave A LOT to the imagination.
Her: mind coming back to the real world?
Him: ok.., so, what will it be?
Him: and drink tequila.
Her: oh God! Jose is going to be there?
Him: no, Patron.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
I have done everything in my power to find peace, but it seems to elude me. I have engaged in every possible artistic way, in the hopes I could exorcise my soul and rid myself of this excess of sentiment that, at times it seems to almost consume me. It's such an irony in itself, and excess that consumes, that becomes a huge void. But is the only way I can explain it.
It's so big, so much bigger than what I am capable of controlling. Why would I be given so much to feel if it suffocates me? I have tried it all and nothing works, I can't find one peaceful moment, except...
Except for that moment. But I know that much as I wish, I can't always have it. I can't always rely on that moment to apace my apparent insatiable need for release; and how I need it. I need the silence, I need the nothingness. I need for my body to stop vibrating, I need for my brain to be quiet, I need to get it all out. But no matter what I do, how much I talk or write, it is still there, as if lurking in the dark, just waiting. Waiting for me to look the other way for just a fraction of a second and then it attacks. It attaches itself to my chest, my heart, my very soul and settles there.
If only I could cry, maybe it would be less oppressive. But even the tears have left me. I am alone with this, with all of this. If I scream? No, it would only give me momentary relief. It seems impossible, it seems I am meant to live with this all my life, or maybe...maybe, just that.
I hope one day I will find a way, one day I will learn, and that day, I will be free.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Thursday, August 30, 2012
At what moment does a look become more that seductive? At what point it bothers us? I know the answer to those two questions, because it has happened to me.
There is a look that feels uncomfortable, morbid. There is a different kind of intensity in the eyes of that person that is more than the innocent desire felt by most. Is the type of look that you feel in your body, as if the hand of an unwanted lover touching you, groping you; making you so sick in the stomach that you feel like throwing up until there is nothing left.
I know that look…I spend days avoiding that person in the hopes that the look, along with the memory of it and the sensation as well, will go away. It's disgusting. But is not only the look, is the eyes themselves. Is almost as if there was nothing good in them, nothing honest or sensible about those eyes. That look is worse than that of a stalker, a sexual predator.
There are a few words that come to mind when remembering that look: depravity, assault, wretchedness, unnatural…
How does a person become like that? How are they able to inflict such sensations? Such fear?
It is beyond me, but all I know is I want those eyes, that look to go away.
Please make it go away.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Her: say "no" to you and walk away.
Him: What has been the one thing that has hurt the most?
Her: Loosing you and never knowing if I would ever get you back.
Him: How did you ever recover?
Her: Who says I ever did.
Him: How did you ever make it so far?
Her: By pretending I didn't care, pretending it didn't matter.
Him: and now?
Her: now what?
Him: Does it still hurt?
Him: You talk about it as if you weren't talking about yourself.
Her: In a way, I am talking about someone completely different from me.
Him: Why didn't you ever tell me?
Her: What was the point? you never saw me the same way I saw you. We wanted different things.
Him: You should have told me.
Her: would it have mattered?
Him: we had something special
Her: what we had was great sex.
Him: is that why you ignored me all that time.
Her: I had to protect myself somehow.
Him: Why did you call me?
Her: Because of the memories, those damn memories.
Him: tell me what you want me to do.
Her: nothing. I want you to do nothing.
Him: You called me.
Her: and that was too much. I should have known better.
Him: let me see you one more time.
Her: no, I'm weak when it comes to you.
Him: you have obviously grown strong. You are saying no to me, again.
Her: I have been practicing.
Him: let me see you.
Her: I can't.
Him: You won't.
Her: so nothing.
Him: I have to go.
Her: good. Go.
Him: that easy?
Her: With you? Never.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Why was that song playing, out of the million songs out there you had to choose that one, and at that precise moment, while looking at me with those eyes.
Still today it makes my heart skip a beat every time a remember. Why that song?
You were standing there in the doorway and at that precise moment you just mouthed the lyrics but it carried all the intensity of your request. Two simple words that broke me like never before "please stay"
Why was that song playing? Why that song?
I should have left, but something in your eyes prevented me from doing so. Or maybe it was that song. Who knows, all I remember is me, you, and the song. That wretched song.
That day was the last day I heard the song. Until today that is. How ironic life is, today, out of all days, the song plays. Today that you are not here anymore. Today on the anniversary of our..of my...of your....
Today... The days we said goodbye.
I miss you.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Saturday, August 18, 2012
There is danger in going down this path. I know this. Yet...is as if there is some kind of gravitational pull that forces me to keep on walking this way.
I don't know you, but you keep on coming to me through visions, dreams, and in those dreams life happens. You happen, I happen. Then I wake up and you're gone, but the feeling of you remains. What am I to make of all this? Why do you keep hunting me if we are not meant to know each other? Or is it that we're not meant to know each other, yet?
If the answer to that last question is yes, then what is God waiting for to unite us? What set of unfortunate events do we have to go through to earn the right to make these dreams a reality?
Or maybe, just maybe... nah, it can't be. Or...Maybe we have already met, maybe we have known each other forever and in my need to find you, I haven't recognized you. Are you the same as in my dreams? Or do you come to me in disguise? If so, then How Will I know?
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
I don't understand. The funny thing is that those are the only emotions they believe me to be capable of. What happens with sadness, concern, worry, melancholy, nostalgia, friendliness? What happens to just want to be reserved? Am I not capable of those? Am I partially human?
I don't even know why I bother. Or maybe I do. I hate being read wrong or being judged by those who don't know me, and won't take the time to.
I'm not proud, nor cocky. I'm cautious and sometimes I do get tongue tied. Yes, it does happen, my wit escapes me and my mouth becomes this numb thing incapable of uttering any proper words, these are the times I just say the wrong thing. Doesn't happen often, but it does happen.
I wish people would stop assuming I am something I'm not just because of how I look. Then again, I know I ask for the impossible, almost.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Friday, August 10, 2012
I remember soft, tanned skin, smelling of man and whiskey. I remember hair as dark as night, trimmed recently, wet. I remember eyes as blue as the sky, kind, playful, intrieguing. I remember lips, sweet taunting lips, always smiling. I remember a voice, as melodic as a symphony.
But what I remember the most is that tattoo. Right shoulder blade, black and white. I regret that I cannot remember the shape, but I remember it was there.
I remember stading up to leave and you holding my hand to stop me, turning me around and then...nothing. I remember nothing more. How cruel of the gods to give me a glimpse and make me forget.
What a cruel and evil joke. But not all is lost, not everything is despair, for I remember you, even if I have never met you.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
It was there. I felt it, I lived it, I enjoyed it. It was all I ever wanted and everything I never imagined. I know you felt it too. I could tell by the look in your eyes, you knew this only comes along once in a lifetime. We were lucky love, we had it.
I will always be grateful for that. For having had the chance to be with you. Even if only once. I'm grateful. I experienced what most spend years, even lives, looking for, without really finding it. Only settling for the illusion of it. And me! Of all people, you chose me, and I chose you. We knew without really knowing, and we just gave into it.
I know we will never be together again. I know it can't be. But I regret nothing. I will forever be yours, even if only in the memory of that moment; that moment that is eternal to us.
This is the part where I could say "I love you" but I know better. So all I'm going to say is "to us"
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
He can see the sun descending from the sky, sinking into the west and giving way to dusk. He can feel the cool breeze caressing his face, striving to take all his concerns away. He can hear as down below in the streets, the noises of the everyday traffic start to dim.
He can see and feel and hear all this, while sitting there on the ledge. But he sees nothing of it, is as if his eyes were blind to anything but the image of her. As if his ears where deaf to anything but the memory of the sound of her voice, and is almost as if his senses captured nothing but the faint smell of her skin, left on the sheets of the bed when she was here.
He is oblivious to the beauty around him, to the buildings, the sun, the breeze, the warmth. Nothing matters but her, her touch as warm as a summers breeze; her kisses, passionate as the strength of a tornado; her smell as sweet as the first flowers bloom of spring; the sound of her voice calling out his name in ecstasy, as melodic and enthralling as the sound of a thousand bird songs all combined to form a symphony of pure delight.
She is the one thing that occupies his mind, that fills it completely, almost becoming an obsessive thought.
It was only a day. He had her for only a moment, but in that moment he loved more that in an entire lifetime. In that moment he discovered the truth about complete surrender. In that instant that she was his, he understood the meaning of life for a man. He realized that no matter how much you do, how far you go, how long you live, the reason for a man's life, the ultimate goal for them is but to be with that One woman that will unquestionably fill their mind, body and soul for the rest of time.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
I believe in destiny. I do. I believe in letting destiny take it's course, in allowing the universe to come to terms with the energy of life and present you with certain situations. I believe in people. I believe in the good in them and in allowing them to learn each lesson in their own time and in their own way. I believe in life, in the magic around it and in the good and the bad that comes with it.
I also believe that there are times when we have to take things into our own hands and force certain events to occur. We have to set things in motion, so other things can happen. It can be something subtle, like a call, a look, a touch. Or it can be something drastic, like a planned meeting.
I believe that in certain moments, some people have to be forced to see the reality of things and act. I believe in taking action in the process of the punishment the universe has in place for those who deny assistance and help to the ones that ask for it. Even more so than the ones that needed. This may seem weird, but the reason is that it takes courage to ask for help, whereas the ones that need it and never say anything can go unnoticed.
I believe that in your case, I should act, I should participate, I should take matters in to hand, and aid the universe in the planning and carrying out of your punishment, for so bluntly refusing to help one of the people dearest to me. You knew and you had the means, yet you refused. You may have not said no directly, but you withheld vital information, and for that I believe you should be severely damaged. Maybe you didn't consider it vital, but it was a life and death situation and you held back. I should act. I should set things in motion. But what is the point. I will be content in knowing that this post will find it's way to you and you will know that I know, and the guilt will hurt you deeper than any action I could take. Remorse will be your best friend, and pain will be your companion, for knowing that when you were needed, you refused.
This will be my punishment for you, and I know the universe and probably the people around you will aid me in this.
Until another time.
To you my Knight in Rotten Armor.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
When I was young I met a wonderful boy. He was a bit shy when around new people, but I soon realized he was just observant. We became good friends since we had so much in common. As we grew up our friendship became stronger and at a point we were like family. We would do almost everything together, hang out every day, we would even finish each other sentences. we became so in tune with each other that it seemed as if we lived in our own universe, one that no one else could belong to. We created our own little bubble in which we existed. Then, like always puberty hit and with it our interest in other boys and girls. We started dating but still kept that special link between us. It would make our respective boyfriends/girlfriends so jealous. They would always say that we were the ones that looked like a couple. We didn't see it. Our close friends would joke about it, but in time they just gave it up and got used to it. We didn' care.
We got older and that age when society demands for you to settle down and start a family, but we seemed incapable of doing such a thing. We could never find a person that would stay long enough or that would try to get to know us. Or maybe we just wanted to find what we had created for ourselves outside of our friendship. We saw many heartbreaks. Our partners would continue to change, but we were constant through it. One crazy night, under the effect of the ever deceiving alcohol we dared say that which we had manage to hide from each other for so long. It started as a joke "you and I would be the perfect couple" he said. "why" I asked. "because we understand each other, because we can be silly around each other, and because we don't pretend" he said.
I laughed, but something inside of me recognized this as a reality, as a blunt truth. Somehow, at some point he kissed me, and I kissed him back. And as the kiss deepened my body started responding to him like it had never done to anyone else. Almost as if my body knew something I had forgotten. It seemed his body understood mine as well, for he kept getting closer until there was no more space between us. I could feel his heart beating faster and faster, getting confused with my own. His breath on my face, on my neck, on every part of my body. My hands reached for his hair, they knew the way through his body, is as if they were on familiar territory. I don't need to go on. It happened and for a moment we flew together. Then morning came and realization of what had happened hit us. fear engulfed us and we built walls around us to try and protect what we had. We pretended that nothing happened. Pretended to go on as usual. We avoided each other for a long time, thinking that it would help us preserve what we had. We were wrong. We didn't realize that by avoiding each other, by pretending that what we felt didn't exist, we created an abyss so deep we could not see the bottom of it, so wide that it no bridge could be built around it. We pretended, and we moved on.
Finally we got married with other people and we talked less and less to each other until we didn't talk anymore. Years after, so many years after I fell sick. It wasn't one of those diseases you could heal with medication, this one seemed to resist all attempts at cure. Somehow he found out about it and out of nowhere he came back. Many years had passed and it showed in our faces and bodies. Yet he still retained some of that spark from when we were young. I had been weakened by the disease but I could see something in his eyes, something different. He took my hand and smiled at me. I smiled back without knowing why, but I smiled. I felt my entire body light up.
He told me how his marriage hadn't worked and how through the years he had somehow kept tabs on me. He knew about my divorce years back, how I had gracefully recovered from it only to be hit by this incurable disease. He told me how for many months he had prayed that I would recover so he could come to me and say that he had loved me for ever, and that he had been too blind and too much of a coward to see it, and then he had been to weak, he had let me go and not come after me. That it had been the biggest mistake of his life.
I was at a loss for words. Even after hearing him say it I couldn't believe it. He must have noticed for he said it again, and again while lowering his face to mine and kissing me. I felt a surge of energy run through my body, answer to him. I felt my face getting wet and when he pulled back I could not tell if the tears were coming from his eyes or mine. I managed to say it. I managed to tell him I loved him. And as I did I could feel my as my life's energy diminished. I smiled at him, and he kissed me. As he looked at me with all the love of so many years and so many lives ago, I gave him my last breath with an "I love you, for always"
Him: are you saying what I think you are saying?
Her: it's over.
Him: yeah, I thought I heard that.
Her: don't be like that.
Him: like what?
Him: oh, ok. Let me put on my happy face and pretend this is all just fun and cheery and happy and pretend I didn't just feel the air being punched out of mu lungs or that the earth just broke under me.
Her: you knew this was coming.
Him: the same way you know a tornado is forming.
Her: I'm sorry.
Him: no you're not. At least have the decendy to admit it.
Her: is not you...
Him: don't even finish that cliche phrase and of course is me. Is me you're breaking up with.
Her: I have to keep on moving.
Him: as long as it takes you away from me.
Her: stop it!
Him: just go!
Her: will you be ok?
Him: what do you care, you're tossing me aside like I am some piece of old rag.
Her: you're angry.
Him: no! can't you see me smiling and jumping up and down from the joy of you leaving me after all this time?
Her: I deserve this.
Him: no, the things you deserve are not even written. But I wont do this anymore. Leave, leave me to lick my wounds. And by the way, say hi to him for me.
Her: (wide eyed) say hi...?
Him: please don't pretend. I am not that stupid. I know you have been seeing someone else for a while. I just hoped we could grow through this. You made a promise to me. I hoped you owuld honor it.
Her: I didn't mean to
Him: I am sure!
Her: I do love you.
Him: you just love him more. Why are you still here?
Her: I don't know.
Him: go away. There is nothing more for you to say to me or for me to do. I have given you everything I have and then more. You cannot take anything else from me. You already took the last of what I had left and tossed it away.
Best friend: Hey, where you calling me?
Him: not over the phone.
Best friend: she left didn't she?
Him: it shows?
Best friend: beer, food, ramdom songs or sitting in silence.
Best friend: guns?
Best friend: and beer
Saturday, July 14, 2012
There was nothing different about this party, there was good music, good dancers. I danced, careless of anything else. I knew someone was waiting for me at home, and some part of me looked forward to it, though another part of me secretly wished for other excitements. I reproached myself for having such thoughts, but I have learned that some things cannot be ignored and somehow the universe always conspires to give you that which you want, if you really want it.
It was past midnight when he showed up. My body felt him immediately. I hadn't seen him yet, but my body tensed, sensing something exciting, something familiar, something I wanted and desired was close. And then, the crowd cleared and I saw him looking at me. It seemed like a scene taken out of a movie. He looked so handsome. I felt as if the air in my system left me and had to remind myself that I needed to continue breathing. It didn't happen like that, but to me everything was is slow motion.His gaze was intent, and then he smiled, he smiled at me. I must have seemed like a teenager; I could feel my cheeks turning red and burning hot. It was as if time had done nothing but justice to him. To his perfectly sculpted body, to that dark hair, those soft lips, and those penetrating eyes. His eyes; I felt hypnotized. Without noticing it or even knowing how or when I found myself walking toward him and him walking toward me. In an instant we were facing each other, we were supposed to say something. courtesy and manners were expected, but we said nothing, we just stared at each other and we held an entire conversation without uttering a word. In his eyes I could see the same desire as I had. His hand moved to grab mine. It felt right, felt as if it belonged there and ached for morel, my entire body ached for more. There was music playing in the background, but to me it was blurred. He pulled me closer to him until I could feel the warmth of his chest and smell him. He smelt wonderful, he smelled of man.We started, somehow, moving to the rhythm of the music. I can't tell if it was the one playing or the rhythm of our bodies, though I guess it wasn't the latter because otherwise we would have not ended up with clothes on.
Everything was magical, it was different. Some small part of me reminded me that someone else was waiting for me, but I did not care, in that moment I had what I had longed for so long and I could feel his pulse increasing. Slightly he pushed me apart and my head started feeling dizzier as he lowered his head to kiss me.
Oh God! in the moment I felt the world disappear. Nothing else existed, nothing mattered. His lips felt like wonderland, I wanted more, I wanted it all. As if understanding my silent plea, he pushed me apart and still holding my eyes he took me by the hand and walked me out of the bar. No one said anything, no one called or cared. A dim and distant voice in my head tried to remind me that there was someone still waiting for me, but It was too frail to get the message across. We went to his car, he opened the door and closed it after I was in. He climbed onto the drivers seat and started the engine. He looked at me as if asking where to, but the answer was as clear to him as it was to me. He drove and with his freehand kept mine in his, kissing it all the while.
We reached his house; my nerves were at breaking point. He opened the door for me, took me again by the hand and lead the way. Into the door, up the stairs and into his room. I remember nothing of the house, at least not that night. I was too mesmerized by him, almost as if under some sort of spell, but if that was so then we were both under it.
Once in his room he turned to me and just stood there for a moment. In his eyes I could see him asking for permission, as if he was afraid we were moving too fast. In that second he broke down the remaining of whatever defense I might have had. I took a step forward and kissed him. It was a soft kiss, at the beginning, bu then it turned wild, hungry. Years of wanting, of holding back, of raw desire and lust denied found their way through our skin, our hands, our lips. He must have taken my clothes off because I don't remember ever doing it. Everything happened in a sort of blissful dizzy haze. He was naked in front of me, standing like the reincarnation of The David. He must have noticed that I was feeling a bit insecure, because he looked at me and said "you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen". He knew how to undo me, that was it. We stumbled on the bed and he made me his over and over again until I saw heaven along with all the angels, I heard bells, head the trumpets of triumph. I don't know how long we were in his house, all I know is I woke up in his arms, in a tight embrace and he was looking at me with a satisfied smile in his face. I guess I must have had the same expression as his smile broadened when I opened my eyes. The sun was filtering through the windows. I wanted to ask the time but I didn't care. All I cared was that the night had been perfect and the way he was looking at me, the day promised to be even more wonderful.