Wednesday, July 2, 2008
I am here, I exist, but I feel I am watching my life go by through a screen as if my life was not my own but a rerun of a movie long ago forgotten.
My heart beats harder and faster and I can't help but feel some sort of dread or immense and never ending sorrow.
I miss her so much, more than can be expressed. I miss those endless nights, endless and sleepless. Someone told me it is only a matter of time before everything goes back to normal. What is normal anyways. Normal for me was waking up at 3:00 am to feed my baby, normal for me was not being able to sleep at all just watching her sleep, normal for me was looking at her and provoking one of those beautiful smiles. All those things I no longer have, so again, what is normal?
I miss her so. Today it's been 6 days since it happened and I am trying to get back on track, I am trying real hard.
So many things have changed all of sudden, I have changed. Nothing is the same and I am afraid I will loose it. Mom asked me if I wanted to see a shrink, I said maybe. I feel as if I'm about to loose it. I keep on telling myself that it's all going to be ok, but for some reason I can't convince myself of it, I tell Ben, that everything will be fine, but... my soul refuses to settle. My nerves won't stay still and I feel like I'm about to loose it.\
Help, help me please.
Monday, June 16, 2008
All these questions I ask myself when setting eyes upon that person that makes my nerves jitter। This person whom awakens the silent, dormant sexual beast that lives inside of me and provokes it to soar in all its glory.
How am I to deny it its well deseved freedom? Who am I to say no and prevent it from experiencing the wonders of life? And most importantly, why on earth would I want to?
Make me your now and always.
The Black Widow
I feel old, beat up, tired of the monotony of life. I want change yet I am afraid of what may come along with it. I know I am not alone, but no one else speaks about this. Why is that?
I am tired of seing the same faces and hearing the same complaints. Of not being able to end the sufering of some. Of not daring to.
I feel wasted. That this place that I exist is not the place I am meant to be, yet... I don't have the strengh to move on.
I know I am not alone, but I wish someone would come to me and say it.
I thought I had it all figured out, and for a moment I did, and in that moment I was happy. but human as I am, it was not enough. Not enough adventures, not enough desire, not enough places, not enough anything. And now, feeling this void I am afraid, that whatever monster grows inside of me, will grow too big and independent for me to control.
I know I am not alone
I wish, I dream, I hope, and yet I can't leave this sense of dread. Who do I turn to now?
I know I am not alone.
I feel drained of everything that I used to be, all those times I enjoyed carelessly now gone. no. not now, some years back. I have stopped feeling all that for a while now. I grew up.
How empty it feels.
But the one thing that keeps me hanging on, hoping, dreaming, and wishing for better things is that I know I am not alone.
I don't want an answer, I just want to send this to the general cosmic void and hope that better days will come and that I should never be alone.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
How do you stop all those feelings from coming to the surface?. How do you prevent them form rising? How do you keep them at bay and ignore them? How do you stop yourself from acting upon them? Do you know?How can you tell me not to, when i know you want to? How can you tell me stop, when you want to go on? How can you ask me to forget, when you yourself want those things to remain? How can you be such a hypocrite?
Hi my name is... really not important... but my friends call me the Black Widow (for reasons i shall not reveal right now) and i am addicted to love. I have been a victim of this disease for over 9 years now and been trying to get some type of treatment for it for 2 years... To be quite honest i don't think there is any. I have been to numerous "love doctors" (not to say i have been with different partners hoping to get a cure from one of them just to realize they are as sick as i am or worse, they don't suffer from it at all). I have learned a lot from each of these "doctors". Some have been very optimistic and enthusiastic about the whole thing, giving me tremendous amount of hope (just so later on they could loose it themselves and blame me for it), others have been very pessimistic about it and ended up catching the virus from me. Crazy "doctors" i call them. I had been looking, endlessly, for that one "doctor" that would finally cure me (or make me worse), until a couple of months ago I stopped and thought a bit about my entire struggle with this sickness. I discovered some things about myself and about those around me. I had been fighting something that is a part of me and that no matter how hard i try, i was going against myself. This is not a disease, this is a blessing. This being a love addict gives me hope in a world where that word does not exist anymore. This disease I believed to have had, makes me strong and gives me what i need to go on, specially in those times when I almost loose my head. This that i suffer from is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
I met a person who believes himself to be rid of this particular illness (after months of being with him and studying his behavior towards me and others like me, i came to the conclusion that he suffers from it as much as the next guy) and he was the one who made me realize how lucky I am to have this virus. would you like to know why I say i am lucky? I can feel. I am blessed because I can feel. I still skip a heart beat whenever I think of that great person who made the biggest difference in my life, I can still say I can fall in love, I can rejoice in the fact that i can cause a reaction in someone, I can make a difference in peoples hearts ad lives, and they can make a difference in mine, I can take a part of their love, their life with me, and they can take a part of mine, and I can grow. And i can be different in a world where everyone wants to be the same. I could be called crazy and a fool for still believing in the impossible, but guess what? I am not alone. I know deep down in your hearts you are as hope-full as I am, because love is not a disease, is the reason we exist, the reason we keep on going, the reason we never give up and the reason we risk everything we are, could become, have or could have just to be with that person ("the one", "our soul mate") even if for a brief moment, and if we are unfortunate enough to loose that person, it would not matter, because we got to be with them at least once. We loved and we were loved even if for a brief moment. And that would make it all worth it.
So even though i started this conversation by saying i suffer from a disease, let me finish it this way: Hi my name is... still not important... my friends call me the black widow and I am a love addict, I am a victim of the biggest, most wonderful blessing God could have ever given us, and I am proud to say i never want to find the cure for it. Would you like to join me in my eternal quest for more victims? If your answer is yes, I am glad you are one too. Embrace it, never deny it and be free, but most of all, be in love, everyday of your life.
Truly and always yours
The Black Widow.
Friday, May 16, 2008
I look into the complicity of my generation and find that as the era passes by we have become more possessive and more obsessed with owning and collecting certain things. We have become seduced by the idea of possession, as if that were the only thing that mattered now a day. We want to posses more money (in a way we collect it), we want to have more "experiences" not to say have more men and women and be graded by that (another item that adds up to our collection and they're better by the looks and by what they have), we want to have more cars, fancier, more expensive, a better brand; and all this becomes a cycle. When did we start measuring our lives by how much we have or what we can acquire? When did we forget about what is truly important to us? When did we stop paying attention to our families and friends, caring, truly caring about the person that we have by our side? When did we start taking love for granted and sacrificing it for the sake of more money?
I realize looking at some of my friends that love has become another responsibility, another task. No longer is that feeling that we have and are willing to sacrifice it all just for the sake of being next to that person we love so much. Love is but another commodity in this luxurious life.
I pity those who rationalize it and stop feeling. I pity those too coward to fight for it. I pity those too comfortable to stand up and go after it. But mostly I pity those who are too blind or too busy to recognize the best thing that could ever happen to them.
I ask now of whomever reads this not to let yourself be abated by the everyday struggles. If you feel love or if believe to be in love with someone, if you get that asphyxiating feeling inside, if you are one of those who is unable to sleep at night because that person wont come out of your head, if you find yourself doing things you would've never done before, if you find yourself thinking of possibilities beyond your reach and believing that maybe they are possible, if you are one of those who believes that love can overcome it all and that the person you have with you or wish to have with you is worth it all... then fight. Fight like you have never fought before, fight with your entire being and believe with all your might that things are going be OK and that in the end, love will overcome it all.
I believe it! Join me in my eternal fantasy!
Monday, April 7, 2008
Optimists usually say that love can overcome all, but they are wrong. Contrary to what they believe love can never overcome constant criticism, permanent diminish, someone else always telling you that what you do is not correct, does not have a purpose or is not accepted. When you are the object of comparison love tends to grow weaker. When you are made the reason for a new joke, love tends to fade away. Optimists are wrong, is not love that overcomes everything, but tolerance, patience and acceptance, three characteristics that I am afraid I am running out of.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
At times like this, when you feel like taking on that person and just ripping off their clothes. When you want to just throw them on a bed or taking them up against a wall. Kiss them, nibble at them, carress them. When you want to take your hands and run them all through their bodies, softly. Starting on their heads, just tangling your fingers on their hair, going down to the back of their necks and lingering there for moment. Then show them, have them take you up and tear you apart. ... Is at times like this when you need to find them and just fufill your deepest most desired fantasies, let your lust take the better part of you, and give into the temptaion. The reward will be... unforgettable.
I live under the shadow of the person i used to be. I am but the remainig of somethign that was once great, beautiful, loved. I am but a ghost of my former self, someone i no longer know or desire to. I walk the roads that were once new, now standing there still, old, filled with dust and broken by the pain. I hide under the mask of defeat. Watching from the inside how the world keeps on turning and no one seem to notice that i exist, even if as just a reflection of what i used to be. I see how new faces appear and turn happy towards each other, and here i am, feeling uncaple of leaivng this lonesome stage. Living in despair. I've become used to this feeling of solitude. Grown acostumed to the idea that life is unfair. Yet i fear, that there will be someone that will come and force me to go back to reality and see that maybe the world is not so bad, and there are good things worth being happy for... But my worst fear is that maybe that person will never come...